20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Nov. 26 - Dec. 2)
Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 29, 2024
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 29, 2024 ">
My husband: why are you taking notes
I wanted to watch football, and my wife wanted to watch the dog show. So we did what good couples do and compromised.
On an unrelated note, this Mastiff’s jowls are majestic.— Hunter the Bounty Dog (@huntergraybeal) November 28, 2024
I wanted to watch football, and my wife wanted to watch the dog show. So we did what good couples do and compromised.
On an unrelated note, this Mastiff’s jowls are majestic.
— Hunter the Bounty Dog (@huntergraybeal) November 28, 2024 ">
On an unrelated note, this Mastiff’s jowls are majestic.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells, bamboo, and shards of broken glass]— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 1, 2024
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells, bamboo, and shards of broken glass]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 1, 2024 ">
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells, bamboo, and shards of broken glass]
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 28, 2024
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 28, 2024 ">
i bet pilgrim wives were like fucking hell thanks for inventing another holiday where i have to do everything
— nika (@nikalamity) November 28, 2024
i bet pilgrim wives were like fucking hell thanks for inventing another holiday where i have to do everything
— nika (@nikalamity) November 28, 2024 ">
My husband and I quietly switched sides of the bed without talking about it like a week ago and I'm not sure if we're supposed to go to couples counseling but it feels weird that this happened.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 29, 2024
My husband and I quietly switched sides of the bed without talking about it like a week ago and I'm not sure if we're supposed to go to couples counseling but it feels weird that this happened.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) November 29, 2024 ">
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 29, 2024
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 29, 2024 ">
I bet when my husband asked me to marry him, he was eagerly picturing this moment, me walking around in old pajamas, muttering to myself, as I water 300 plants
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 28, 2024
I bet when my husband asked me to marry him, he was eagerly picturing this moment, me walking around in old pajamas, muttering to myself, as I water 300 plants
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 28, 2024 ">
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 29, 2024
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 29, 2024 ">
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
This is may be the last time you hear from me. I accidentally used one of the guest towels in the Powder Room. I'm packing a bag and running away before the wife gets home.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) November 28, 2024
This is may be the last time you hear from me. I accidentally used one of the guest towels in the Powder Room. I'm packing a bag and running away before the wife gets home.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) November 28, 2024 ">
a wife is never more passive aggressive than when she says FYI the dishes in the dishwasher are clean
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) December 1, 2024
a wife is never more passive aggressive than when she says FYI the dishes in the dishwasher are clean
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) December 1, 2024 ">
Treat people with kindness, you don't know who's working from home with a husband and kids underfoot today
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 27, 2024
Treat people with kindness, you don't know who's working from home with a husband and kids underfoot today
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 27, 2024 ">
Houdini's greatest escape was easy compared to my husband and I trying to set me free from a tight dress and Spanx after Thanksgiving dinner and a few glasses of wine.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 29, 2024
Houdini's greatest escape was easy compared to my husband and I trying to set me free from a tight dress and Spanx after Thanksgiving dinner and a few glasses of wine.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 29, 2024 ">
My husband’s office has an in person, all hands sales staff meeting at 3 o’clock. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I’m not a lawyer but it feels like a hate crime.
— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) November 27, 2024
My husband’s office has an in person, all hands sales staff meeting at 3 o’clock. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I’m not a lawyer but it feels like a hate crime.
— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) November 27, 2024 ">
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That's not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it's Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 2, 2024
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That's not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it's Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 2, 2024 ">
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That's not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it's Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) November 29, 2024
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) November 29, 2024 ">
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
My wife complained that my Thanksgiving outfit was “ridiculous”, to “Dress like an adult” and the “Pants are embarrassing”. I wore a nice button-down, and I get that the pants were a little out there, but the inflatable Turkey pants costume from Amazon was Thanksgiving themed.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 29, 2024
My wife complained that my Thanksgiving outfit was “ridiculous”, to “Dress like an adult” and the “Pants are embarrassing”. I wore a nice button-down, and I get that the pants were a little out there, but the inflatable Turkey pants costume from Amazon was Thanksgiving themed.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 29, 2024 ">
If my husband doesn’t want me laughing at him when he stubs his toe, he should try being less funny about it.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 29, 2024
If my husband doesn’t want me laughing at him when he stubs his toe, he should try being less funny about it.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 29, 2024 ">
husband: *worrying*
me: I don't think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then— meghan (@deloisivete) December 1, 2024
husband: *worrying*
me: I don't think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
— meghan (@deloisivete) December 1, 2024 ">
me: I don't think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
I'm sitting on the sofa next to my wife. She slowly puts an arm around me. I turn and she has the same passion in her passion in her eyes that was there when we were first married.
"Willie, I'm trying to reach my phone. Can you hand it to me?"— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) November 27, 2024
I'm sitting on the sofa next to my wife. She slowly puts an arm around me. I turn and she has the same passion in her passion in her eyes that was there when we were first married.
"Willie, I'm trying to reach my phone. Can you hand it to me?"
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) November 27, 2024 ">
"Willie, I'm trying to reach my phone. Can you hand it to me?"
