23 of the Most Cringe-Worthy Parenting Moments
"Oh my, look at that kid! Where is his mother?" the woman behind me gasped, raw horror in her voice. As I turned to see what she was talking about, it suddenly occurred to me that my second son was no longer standing by my side. Then I too was seized with horror, because whenever my second son disappears, it never ends well.
Sure enough, there he was, standing in the middle of a festive display smack dab in the center of the indoor amusement park. With his pants around his ankles. Peeing on a tree. A tree that was plastic. Surrounded by artificial non-absorbent grass. Did I mention it was a very crowded amusement park? We left that park soon after - he in a puddle of urine and paper towels, me in a puddle of shame.
Kids are cringe-inducing terrors, and even the most well-mannered will occasionally ask rude questions, point out embarrassing facts, repeat things you've begged them not to, and otherwise make you rue the day they learned how to string a sentence together. Case in point: See if you can make it through this list without visibly cringing.
"My four-year-old was playing with a similarly aged African-American girl with afro-puffs and I thought all was going well, until she asked 'Are you Mickey Mouse?'... right in front of her parents." -Alex D., 36, Woodbury, MN
"When my son was a preschooler, he went through a phase where he wanted to bite random things. His particular favorite was shrink-wrapped blocks of cheese at the grocery store. He'd run off and before I could stop him there'd be a block of cheese with several perfect imprints of my son's teeth. I couldn't just leave it there, so out of guilt I'd buy it. We ate a lot of cheese that year. On the plus side, this is how I first discovered I liked Jarlsburg." -Melissa S., 36, Marysville, WA
"One day, my kindergartner came home and asked me why I gave him such a strange snack for school that day. Then he pulled a tampon out of his backpack and handed it to me. I had used the backpack over the weekend for a quick gym bag and had forgotten to take that out. I can only imagine what his teacher must have thought when he unwrapped that for snack time!" -Shalom E., 40, Minneapolis, MN
"We were in a crowded grocery store when my four-year-old son insisted he needed to pee now and he yelled at the top of his lungs 'You better hurry, it's coming out of my penis and it's gonna spray all over my sister!'" -Lillian B., 38, Lake Forest, CA
"After a long day of watching four little girls - my three plus my niece - I was in desperate need of a break, so we loaded up the car and went to McDonalds. I was enjoying a book while the kids played in the Playplace, then all of the sudden my niece appeared with no pants on. Just then I heard another child yell, 'Ugh, someone pooped in here!' Yep. I had to crawl through those child-sized tubes armed with napkins and disinfectant spray to retrieve the poop and her pants.' -Carrie S., 39, Denver, CO
"I had taken my daughter, who was potty training, and my dog to the park. She was wearing a pull-up but hadn't alerted me that she needed to potty while we were there. As we were leaving, my dog stopped to do her business. I turned to see my daughter squatted right next to her, pants down, going pee in the grass. She didn't understand why the dog could potty in the grass but she couldn't." -Colette G., 31, Wichita, KS
"My son is super friendly and will talk to everyone anywhere we go. One day, we were going into the laundromat to wash a comforter. Before we went in, I told him that most of the people inside would not understand him so please don't talk to anyone. I went back out to get the comforter and when I walked back in, my son yelled, 'Mom, you were wrong! I asked that guy and he speaks English! I talked to him and he said understood me just fine!' I was mortified. I just wanted him to leave people alone, not insult their language abilities." -Julie J., 36, Allen, TX
"We were at a grocery store when some little people walked by. My girls immediately noticed and said very loudly, 'Look mom, those people are so little!' I took them aside and quietly told them that it's rude to point and yell and we don't need to call out physical differences. I told them that some people are tall, some are short, so instead of talking about their bodies, we can just smile, wave, and say 'hi' to everyone. As we were leaving the store, my girls spotted the same people again. So what did they do? They ran after them waving wildly and yelling 'hi!' with crazy grins on their faces. I got them out of there as fast as possible." -Angie J., 37, Murrieta, CA
"My son loved to run and hide in stores, so we told him he needed to stay close by because there were bad people in the world who might snatch him. So then it became his favorite game to point out every male and ask 'Is that a bad man?' One day we passed a tattooed, pierced guy in all leather and of course my son yells, 'Oh, he's the bad man!' The man glared at me and I quickly said 'Oh, don't worry, he says that about everyone!'. As if that makes it better..." -Kristen L., 32, Atoka, TN
"Once, we were in the ER, and while we were waiting, my four-year-old son noticed a very overweight man throwing up in a bag. So my son asked 'Why is he so fat?' Of course I tried to shut him up and tell him that was rude, but he kept going. 'Maybe because he is so fat, that's why he's sick,' he announced. Finally, he added, 'Can I show him how I run so he can do it and get skinny and not be sick anymore?' I think the man was too sick to hear us but I just about died." -Lia F., 26, Arvada, CO
"I took my four-year-old step-daughter to church with me one Sunday. Our pastor was fired up and preaching with gusto. During a pause, when the church was completely silent, my step-daughter yells out 'He's being too loud and scaring me! Can we leave now?' I was so embarrassed, but the pastor and then the whole congregation just started laughing." -Hester M., 33, Lumberton, MS
"We were all sitting solemnly in my aunt's funeral when my 18-month-old decided to take advantage of a pause in the service. He stood up on the pew and announced loudly, 'Auntie all done now!' He wasn't wrong!" -Megan H., 40, Ridgecrest, California
"I was changing with my three-year-old daughter in the locker room at the YMCA. We were doing well until she saw an older woman changing and yelled, 'I don't like she naked!'." -Trista S., 35, Burnsville, MN
"Recently, we were at church and in the middle of the opening prayer my youngest child - who was still nursing - yelled out 'Boobies!'." -Carlie P., 29, Godfrey, IL
"My husband and I were in the bank with our three-year-old daughter, talking to a banker. All of a sudden we heard this fart - it was so loud other customers in the next room noticed it. We all turned red and were looking at each other trying to figure out who did it. Then my daughter suddenly raised her hands above her head and screamed 'I farted!'. It was the most embarrassing and funniest moment ever." -Hope R., Pasadena, CA
"We were at the science museum waiting to go into a new exhibit and my three-year-old daughter could not stop staring at the very emo teen in front of us. He was dressed in head-to-toe black with Frankenstein boots, multiple piercings, and goth makeup. My daughter finally sidled up to him and said in awe, 'You are so lucky! My mom doesn't let me wear my costumes out of the house!' His mother replied, 'Oh, I told him he couldn't wear his costume out of the house either, he just didn't listen.' As the teen glared at us, my daughter said seriously, 'You should take away all his ponies then.' We all got a good laugh… except him." -Melissa L, 28, Denver, CO
"We were enjoying a nice dinner at a restaurant when my three-year-old son leaned across the table and announced loudly to his aunt, 'I have a penis, Daddy has a penis, you have hair.' At least he's clear on male and female anatomy?" -Shannon B., 38, Las Vegas, Nevada
"We had just moved into a new home and went to a new church for the first time. My five-year-old niece was staying with us while her mother was deployed in the military. We were sitting on the second row and suddenly my niece stood up on the bench, threw up her dress and yelled 'My panties aren't working!' And then proceeded to adjust them, in front of everyone." -Lillian B., 38, Lake Forest, CA
"We were at the grocery store when my preschool daughter held her finger, covered in chocolate, out to me. I figured she'd grabbed a treat when I wasn't looking and my first instinct was to lick it off. But then I noticed she was shuddering, which I thought was odd because she loves chocolate. So I decided to smell it first. Um, it wasn't chocolate, not even close! I was able to stop gagging long enough to get her to the bathroom." -Lisa M., 26, Grand Rapids, MI
"My three-year-old son and I were sorting through tomatoes at the store when a guy with an eye patch walked by. In his not-so-quiet voice, my son asks, 'Mom, is that guy a pirate?' Dude looks over and it was clear he did not think it was funny. So I tried to explain that the man has a hurt eye and the patch helps it get better. Not good enough for my kid, though. For the next several minutes, my son wouldn't stop staring at this poor man, no matter how much I tried to distract him. As we go to leave, my kid plants his feet, points his stubby finger directly at the guy from across the produce section and yells 'Are you sure, mom? Because that guy definitely looks like a pirate!'" -Bekki W., 39, Lakeville, MN
"When my oldest was about two years old and not yet toilet-trained, we took him swimming at the indoor pool, wearing a swim diaper. After a bit, we went into the hot tub - but unbeknownst to me, he had had a 'stealth' bowel movement while swimming. You know those jets around the edge of a hot tub? When you put a swimming diaper full of poop up against them, they propel said poop out of the top of the diaper and whirl it throughout the pool. I have never seen a pool empty faster. I avoided that pool for about two years afterwards." -Tamara G., 29, British Columbia, Canada
"We were at the Renaissance Festival and saw a guy that had had an obvious traumatic injury to his face. My young daughter walked over to him, grabbed his hand, pulled him down to her level, and gave him a hug. All of which was wonderful, but before I could be too proud, she added, 'Don't worry, God loved us no matter what we look like.' I died." -Mikaela C., 33, Minneapolis, MN
"When my daughter was four, we signed her up for a community education cheerleading class. At the end of the class, the kids performed a routine for the parents. The girls were all decked out in these beautiful borrowed cheerleading uniforms. Just as the cheer started, my daughter, standing in the middle of the group, started peeing all over the floor. One of the moms handed me a bunch of paper towels and told me to run out onto the gym floor, and I frantically tried to wipe up the pee while the girls kept doing their routine around me. After the routine, I reluctantly went up to the coach and asked if I should take the uniform home to wash. She smiled and said 'No, I got this. It isn't the first time.'" -Shannon H., 36, Shakopee, MN
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