30 Best Halloween Jokes That Will Have Them Cackling

·3 min read

Want to win a lot of friends on Halloween? Give out those full-sized candy bars and trick-or-treaters will love you forever! But you can also be the hostess with the mostess on the big day by telling some Halloween jokes (and it’s better for those teeth than all that sugar, anyway).

Here are some of our favorite PG-rated Halloween jokes to jot onto a lunchbox note, tell at a Halloween party, or just embarrass — er, entertain! — the fam in a big way all season long. No, these may not be as sweet as Halloween candy — but they’re every bit as corny as candy corn!

The Best Halloween Jokes

  • Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? They’re afraid of flying off the handle.

  • What do you use to fix a broken pumpkin? A pumpkin patch.

  • What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand witch.

  • What kind of music do mummies love most? Wrap music.

  • What happened to the guy with the overdue exorcism bills? His house got repossessed.

  • Why do vampires make cheap dates? Because they eat necks to nothing.

  • Where does Dracula save his money? In a blood bank.

  • Why did the kids put Halloween candy under their pillows? They wanted to have sweet dreams.

  • What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.

  • What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.

  • Why didn’t the skeleton go to prom? He had no body to go with.

  • How do you make a skeleton laugh? Tickle his funny bone.

  • What’s a ghost’s favorite Halloween game? Hide and shriek.

  • What do you call two witches sharing an apartment? Broommates.

  • What does a vampire never order from the menu? The stake.

Photo credit: Peter Dazeley - Getty Images
Photo credit: Peter Dazeley - Getty Images


  • Why don’t mummies like to go on vacation? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

  • What ran all the way around the haunted house? A fence.

  • What do you call a witch’s garage? A broom closet.

  • Why do demons and ghouls get along so well? Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

  • Why didn’t the scarecrow eat Halloween candy? He was already stuffed.

  • Who did the ghost bring to the dance? Just some ex he dug up.

  • Why did the vampire read the local paper? He heard it had great circulation.

  • Why are skeletons are so relaxed? Nothing can get under their skin.

  • What do you get when you throw a pumpkin out a window? Squash!

  • Why did the skeleton quit her job? Her heart just wasn't in it.

  • Why are twin witches so hard for teachers in class? They never know which witch is which.

  • What does it feel like to get kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.

  • Who sells vampires’ favorite cookies? The Ghoul Scouts.

  • Why was the mummy still single? He was too wrapped up in himself.

  • What did one pyramid say to the other? “Hey, how’s your mummy?”

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