33 Ways to Battle Jealousy In Your Relationship

Charlotte Andersen

April 25, 2017 at 11:59 a.m.

<p>You know jealousy only hurts you and your partner — but you're only human, right? Here, experts share their tips for beating the green-eyed monster and strengthening your relationship</p>

<p>"When you're in a good place yourself — thriving in the workplace, living a harmonious home life, good health, experiencing solid spirituality — your heart naturally expands, allowing you to let go of bitterness and jealousy. Living your best life helps you stay open and understanding to the ups and downs of the human condition. This compassion for yourself and others makes you less competitive. Accept yourself the way you are and do things for yourself that make you genuinely happy and fulfilled." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.facebook.com/AnjhulaMya" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Anjhula Mya Singh Bais;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Anjhula Mya Singh Bais</em></a><em>, Ph.D., International Psychology</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: </strong><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g595/happy-marriage-secrets/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:13 Secrets for a Strong, Happy Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><strong>13 Secrets for a Strong, Happy Marriage</strong></a></span></p>

<p>"To nip jealousy in the bud, first you have to take ownership of your feelings and understand how your behavior impacts your partner. For example, if your partner does not feel good when you stay out late with a co-worker, this doesn't mean that you acquiesce to everything your partner wants. However, it goes a long way when you say to your partner, 'I know that you feel upset with the amount of time and attention that I am giving to this other person. I don't want you to feel that way.' With that statement, you acknowledged how your partner was feeling and you told them that you don't want them to be hurt by your behavior." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.chantelcohen.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Chantel Cohen;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Chantel Cohen</em></a><em>, owner of CWC Coaching and Therapy in Atlanta, GA</em></p>

<p><span>"Jealousy stems from an inherent belief of lack and scarcity, and a feeling of fear and threat. When we make it a point to remember all the things we have to be grateful for, we challenge that assumption of scarcity. By being grateful we realize that no matter what we have experienced in life thus far, on a fundamental level, we have always been ok and will continue to be so. When we change and reframe the script to one of gratitude for the things we have, and the idea that there is plentitude for all, jealously wanes." —</span><em>Bais</em></p>

<p><span>"Jealousy is totally normal but can be toxic to a relationship if you let it fester. If you're feeling jealous, take a good look at your relationship. If it's built on trust, love, and appreciation — and the behavior of your significant other is reflective of that — then you can safely let those feelings go. Trust your partner and your secure relationship." —</span><em>Gabriella I. Farkas, M.D., Ph.D., psychiatrist at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine at The Zucker Hillside Hospital</em></p>

<p>"Ignoring jealousy doesn't work. But being a responsive partner is the antidote to jealousy. This means letting your partner know how important they are to you on a regular basis. You understand that you can help assist your partner through not feeling 'enough' by showing them how important they are." —<em>Cohen</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3941/marriage-tips-from-longtime-couples/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">39 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together</a></strong></p>

<p><span>"Go into self-esteem therapy and start looking at your own trust issues. Who lied to you? And why don't you trust yourself? Jealousy is your own mirror to show you your weakness. When you don't trust another, the deeper core issue is that you don't trust yourself. Only through this kind of investigation will you be free. It has nothing to do with the other person." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.askaudreynow.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Audrey Hope;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Audrey Hope</em></a><em>, relationship expert, host of the </em>Hope For Relationships<em> show and an addiction therapist at Seasons In Malibu rehab facility</em></p>

<p><span>"If you can't keep your mind from thinking jealous thoughts, give it something else to think about. Seek out other interests. Ask for support from a friend or family member. Stay busy, but make sure that you're not excluding your partner. You have to balance being together and being apart."—</span><em>Farkas</em></p>

<p><span>"It can be hard to see if your feelings of jealousy have any basis on your own, so get an unbiased third opinion from a trusted person who knows both you and your partner well. You aren't looking for a friend who will take your side and simply reinforce your own beliefs. This isn't about being right or wrong. You're looking for someone who you know will be able to provide a rational commentary on what they see is actually going on." —</span><em>Joshua Uebergang, life and relationship coach at </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.towerofpower.com.au" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Tower of Power;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Tower of Power</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Become fabulous in your own self will help you stop obsessing about your partner. What matters is that you are the queen or king of your own life and know your worth. Then you will be able to say to yourself that if your partner cheats, or lies, then it is their loss." —</span><em> Hope</em></p>

<p><span>"Often, jealousy can come from when someone is feeling less about themselves. It's not so much a matter of there being something to be jealous over rather an insecurity in their own mind that is making them feel 'less than' in the relationships. Sometimes in order to address intimacy, it's important first to check in with how someone is feeling and maybe help them to feel more secure." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://drnikki.com.au/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Nikki Goldstein;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Nikki Goldstein</em></a><em>, Ph.D., sexologist and author of Single But Dating — A Field Guide to Dating In the Digital Age</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4307/sabotaging-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:40 Signs You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">40 Signs You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship</a></strong></span></p>

<p><span>"Some jealousy is the type that anyone would feel based upon certain events and interactions, but other jealousy is based upon your personal past relationship hurts and situational paranoia. But it can be hard to tell if your fears are legitimate or if you're just being paranoid. A good therapist can help you figure that out." —</span><em>Bette Alkazian, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Southern California and author of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.balancedparenting.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Balanced Parenting;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Balanced Parenting</a><br></p>

<p><span>"A lot of jealousy stems from worrying that your partner will leave you for someone 'better' and so you look for that in others. But this can cause a lot of unnecessary pain. So, instead of saying 'that other person is prettier, or skinnier, or better than me,' say to yourself, 'my partner is with me because there is a rare match between us, a match based on my unique soul and essence matching their soul and essence. This is something they will hold onto.' There will be occasions when somebody else is surface-level 'better' than you and then it's important to refocus on your rare and beautiful match." —</span><em>Daniel Packard, relationship coach, founder and lead trainer at the </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://loveathlete.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Love Athlete Academy;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Love Athlete Academy</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Often when people bring up issues of jealousy, their partner says they're crazy and has nothing to be jealous over. It may be true that there is nothing going on, but ignoring your feelings can just make it worse. Jealousy is a real emotion and a natural one and something we should be talking about more openly instead of trying to sweep it under the rug. Don't judge or shame yourself for feeling something totally normal." —</span><em> Goldstein</em></p>

<p>"There are four main areas couples need to connect in: spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. Making sure you connect on all levels will help lessen jealousy. In terms of spirituality, try to develop a common sense of vision and purpose for your relationship. Are you working towards the same big goals in life? Emotionally, share with each other what you're feeling. What stresses you out, what bothers you, what makes you happy, who bugs you at work? Mentally, share what you're learning, reading, thinking about. Physically, outside of sex, try kissing, holding hands, massages, back scratches, or other things like that." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.mikefraziermd.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Mike Frazier;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Mike Frazier</em></a><em>, M.D., psychiatrist and couples therapist</em></p>

<p><span>"Jealousy rarely presents in isolation; it's almost always part of a larger anger issue. Before you can address the jealousy you need to figure out what you're angry about and deal with that. Manage anger by getting needs met in other ways, and the jealousy usually works itself out." —</span><em>Mark Derian, male psychology expert and author of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://animusempire.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Animus Empire;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Animus Empire</a></em><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/news/g3545/divorce-signs-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:10 Signs Your Marriage May Be Doomed;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">10 Signs Your Marriage May Be Doomed</a></strong><br></p>

<p><span>"Scan for times you're not jealous. You'd be surprised on how our brains will remember the exception, and not the norm. Instead of noticing and dissecting when you are jealous, instead, play detective on yourself to review the times when you're not jealous. Ask yourself why. How were the circumstances different? By understanding the exception, you'll be better equipped to be specific on the times you are jealous." —</span><em>Erika Boissiere, founder of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.trisf.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Relationship Institute of San Francisco;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Relationship Institute of San Francisco</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Social media can be harmful to relationships for so many reasons, but a big one is that it's a breeding ground for jealousy. If you're prone to jealousy, eliminate your social media entirely. At the very least, make sure that you're communicating more in person than you are online. And don't use it to keep secrets." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.davidsimonsen.net/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:David Simonsen;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>David Simonsen</em></a><em>, Ph.D., couples therapist</em></p>

<p><span>"When you're feeling jealous, let your partner know. Be vocal about your feelings — I call this thinking out loud. If you're feeling insecure, talk to your partner, let him/her know what's going on. This will give them a chance to reassure you." —</span><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://devinpricemft.com/michelene-wassil-mfti/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Michelene Wasil;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Michelene Wasil</a> </em><em>of Preventative Health for Happy Families</em></p>

<p><span>"Let go of your need to control — it isn't true, anyhow. If your partner has an affair, leaves, you, flirts with another person, you can't control him or her. You can make requests but at the end of the day, it is up to them and how they behave. However, what you can control is your reaction, and your decision on whether to stay with them or not." —</span><em>Boissiere</em><br></p>

<p><span>"Find a way to remind yourself of all the ways in which your partner shows love for you. For instance, you can make an album celebrating your most important relationship moments and look at it when you feel jealous." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.drmelaniegreenberg.biz" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Melanie Greenberg;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Melanie Greenberg</em></a><em>, Ph.D., a psychologist and couples therapist in Mill Valley CA and author of </em>The Stress-Proof Brain<br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4098/signs-you-should-get-a-divorce/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:9 Signs It's Time to Get a Divorce;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">9 Signs It's Time to Get a Divorce</a></strong></p>

<p><span>"Manage your emotional arousal state by engaging in mindfulness practices — take some deep breaths, engage your inner mind, remind yourself to let it go, and once you're calm, talk to your partner about what you thought, how that thought made you feel, and what behavior you were about to engage in." —</span><span><em>Kristina Orlova</em></span><em>, a family therapist in San Francisco, CA</em><br></p>

<p><span>"Don't give your spouse a reason to be jealous by watching how you act in public. Just don't be flirtatious with others. It sounds so simple yet so many people do it anyhow. It's a basic sign of respect to your spouse." —</span><em>Janis and Carly Spindel, mother and daughter relationship coaches, founders of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.janisspindelmatchmaking.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Serious Matchmakers;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Serious Matchmakers</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Breathe, don't just react. Take some time to try and become aware of the root of your jealous feelings. If you can start by taking ownership of your own feelings of jealousy, your partner will be more open to talking about ways in which they can help the situation. But if you're not able bring up your feelings without blaming your partner, then it's not time yet to talk about it. You may want to seek counseling first."— </span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.JBDCounseling.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Julienne Derichs;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Julienne Derichs</em></a><em>, couples counselor at Couples Counseling Today in Chicago, IL</em></p>

<p><span>"Facebook and the like give people a window into their partner's life but it isn't the whole picture and it's easy to get jealous or upset by what you see. Instead of stalking them online, focus on building a relationship of trust. In fact, I'd recommend trying to avoid all social media of the person you're dating." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.dionmetzgermd.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Dion Metzger;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Dion Metzger</em></a><em>, M.D., relationship expert, psychiatrist, and author</em></p>

<p><span>"Sincerity is essential to destroying jealousy. Words are important, certainly, but here is where actions are incredibly important. You can tell them they are important to you, but also reach out and hold hands with your partner as you walk down the street. And make sure that you are sharing what you are thinking and asking about them as well." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.smarthealthpsych.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Marni Amsellem;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Marni Amsellem</em></a><em>, Ph.D., licensed psychologist practicing in CT and NY</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: </strong><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a49806/marrying-your-dream-husband/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:17 Things Women Who Have Married Their Dream Husband Know to Be True;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><strong>17 Things Women Who Have Married Their Dream Husband Know to Be True</strong></a></span></p>

<p><span>"Taking a few facts and trying to connect the dots is a recipe for jealousy, not accuracy. Instead, ask for the background instead of spinning your own story. Creating details behind a social media post or gesture are your details and you need to recognize that you do not know the facts and feelings behind it." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.lynnzakeri.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Lynn R. Zakeri;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Lynn R. Zakeri</em></a><em>, a marriage counselor in Chicago, IL</em></p>

<p>"If you're feeling jealous, sometimes a little knowledge will go a long way in helping you calm down. It's totally fine to ask for more details from your partner. Let your partner know you have some insecurities and that the more data offered, the more secure you feel." <em>—Zakeri</em></p>

<p><span>"Understanding the core of what triggers jealousy and your insecurity is key to begin addressing this deeply entrenched feeling. Insecurities are created from past experiences that could be from childhood, past relationships, former marriages, any life event that made you feel you were less than what you really are. You took this definition and designed yourself around it for years. When you compare yourself to others, you're already working from a deficit perspective and you start to wonder why everyone else seems to get what they want, yet you don't." —</span><em>Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and author of relationship blog </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://yourejustadumbass.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:You're Just a Dumbass;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>You're Just a Dumbass</em></a><br></p>

<p><span>"First, let me define the difference between jealousy and envy. My definition of envy is 'I wish I had it and she didn't.' There is meanness and ill-will in envy and it can become toxic in a relationship. On the other hand, I define jealousy as 'I wish I had it, too!' It is absolutely normal in the human condition for all children and adults to feel jealousy at times. But you must nix envy right away." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.drfranwalfish.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Fran Walfish;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Fran Walfish</em></a><em>, Ph.D., Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author of </em>The Self-Aware Parent<em>, and co-star on WE tv's </em>Sex Box<br></p>

<p><span>"We feel jealousy usually when we feel lacking and this low self-esteem can foster a codependent relationship. But codependency, while it may make you feel needed in the relationship, ultimately doesn't help strengthen your relationship and can actually make jealousy worse because now you're dependent on them for your self-worth. Take care of yourself." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://BarrySelby.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Barry Selby;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Barry Selby</em></a><em>, relationship attraction expert, author, and inspirational speaker</em><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4081/signs-your-marriage-is-in-trouble/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:10 Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">10 Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble</a></strong></p>

<p><span>"The irony of jealousy is that you often choose a partner based on protecting yourself from things that trigger your jealousy. But since you're not challenging your insecurities, they only increase and your partner can't help you realize your fully actualized self. You're already working against yourself because you're concealing your insecurities. You are hoping that you can avoid experiencing similar pain, but endure different pain." —</span><em>Silva</em><br></p>

<p><span>"Jealous feelings can be generated into competitive feelings that fuel a powerful motivation for excelling. Rather than getting stuck in a paralyzed position of The Victim, say to yourself, 'I'll show you!' And, then go out and do it. Life doesn't happen to you, life is what you make happen." —</span><em>Walfish</em><br></p>

<p><span>"Head jealousy off at the pass by agreeing not to 'flirt with disaster.' This means you both agree to stay away from any interactions, activities, or people that you feel increase temptation. In the meantime, make sure to keep your sex life together active, strong, and fun." —</span><em>Patty and Greg Kuhlman, marriage counselors and the originators of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://stayhitched.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Marriage Success Seminars;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Marriage Success Seminars</a></em><br></p>

You know jealousy only hurts you and your partner — but you're only human, right? Here, experts share their tips for beating the green-eyed monster and strengthening your relationship

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