by Gena Kaufman, Glamour
Even Valentine's Day haters have to admit there are some good things about the holiday of love, and even those who enjoy it have to admit that some typical elements reek of cheese.
Here are ten Valentine's traditions in order from most to least overrated, according to the reaction they invoke when encountered:
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The tradition: Cupid as the holiday mascot.
The reaction: RUN AWAY SCREAMING.
I know, I know, the actual mythology of Cupid is totally different, but let's just talk the Hallmark card variation: a weird fat baby-man shooting arrows at people's butts to force them to fall in love with each other is like an extra-creepy arranged marriage.
The tradition: Stuffed animals holding "I love you" hearts.
The reaction: Cringing embarrassment.
If you are 13 with your first crush, receiving one of these is adorably heart-stopping. Otherwise, why do places keep stocking these like they're not the most horrifying gift in the world for a grown woman to receive?
The tradition: A fancy dinner for two.
The reaction: Indigestion and poverty.
As much as it pains me to say anything involving food is overrated, V-Day dinners are just that: overpriced, overbooked and probably overcooked. It's a good idea in theory, but the reality tends to not live up.
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The tradition: The pressure to buy jewelry.
The reaction: Slight eye roll.
In general, I love jewelry. I even love cheesy heart jewelry, and in fact am wearing earrings in "xoxo" shapes as we speak. And while it may say good things about your relationship if a guy buys it for you, mall jewelry store commercials in February make me want to un-pierce my ears.
The tradition: Boxes of candy hearts.
The reaction: Dry mouth.
Guys, these are adorable and occasionally cheeky but they just don't taste good. Sorry.
The tradition: A dozen roses.
The reaction: Unenthusiastic shrug.
I love fresh flowers as much as the next girl but the ubiquitous bundle of plastic-wrapped red roses with a bunch of filler baby's breath is straight out of a bad 80s wedding with shoulder-padded bridesmaid dresses.
The tradition: Wearing red.
The reaction: Excitedly pretending to be in a movie makeover montage.
Everybody looks good in it. It makes people think of sex. It supports heart health. What's not to like?? (There are similar benefits to wearing pink, if that's your preferred shade.)
The tradition: Seeing a romantic movie.
The reaction: Warm, snuggly contentment.
Yes, they're almost always formulaic and silly. No, I don't care. I will watch every happily ever after wrapped up in a shiny perfect two hour story ever made.
The tradition: Having sex.
The reaction: Bliss.
Really, it's just as good as it's made out to be. At least from what I remember.
The tradition: All the chocolate.
The reaction: PURE BLISS.
This one just never ever gets old or overdone. Nom nom nom.
What are your favorite and least favorite elements of Valentine's Day? I'm also into wine, but opposed to love poems, for the record.
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