Listen, I understand the need for compassion when it comes to raising toddlers. I get that I need to be conscious of my son's perspective and remember that he's just going through all the normal developmental stuff. But honestly, when the kid decides to travel through Dante's nine circles of hell and bring anyone within earshot with him, it's hard for me to find my inner Gandhi. Here's what really goes through my mind:
1. Is your face supposed to be that color?
Because I'm not sure it is, and I'm not sure what I can do about it, but it sure scares the hell out of me.
Related: 14 little ways our kids drive us majorly crazy
2. Can this cause brain damage?
For either of us? And furthermore, why is it that when you hold your breath, I'm the one that feels dizzy?
3. What if I just leave?
I mean, everyone else is fleeing. Will anyone really notice?
Related: Why I absolutely HATE kiddie parties
4. I need a glass of wine
Yes, it's 11 a.m. and yes, I've got the tolerance of a baby mouse, but surely that's a reasonable solution.
5. Should I spank you?
I don't, because I tried once and it felt so moronic that I decided I would only do it in Level 10 situations, like if you run in front of a car, or intentionally burn the house down, or poop in my purse again. But I question my policy every time you melt down. Every. Single. Time.
Related: 15 ways NOT to raise your toddler
6. Where's your father?
This is all his fault. And speaking of which …
7. You've taken sexy back
Seriously kid, if I had known that making you would result in this, I might have been a little more reluctant to part with the Pill.
- By Mira Jacobs
For 7 more ways to deal with tantrums, visit Babble
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In previous lives, Babble Deputy Editor Mira Jacob was the parenting editor at Yahoo! Shine, the Editorial Director at Lime.com, a writer for VH-1's Pop-Up Video, the author of Kenneth Cole's Footnotes and Dan Savage's research monkey. These days, she runs Pete's Reading Series in Brooklyn, gets way too competitive in Scrabble, and likes fiction to the point where she doesn't mind being lied to, as long as it's entertaining. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband (a filmmaker), and their toddler son (a tyrant).