YouTube star Brittani Boren Leach is in mourning after the sudden death of her three-month-old son.
The 29-year-old lifestyle vlogger and influencer shared with followers on social media that her youngest child, Crew, was found unresponsive after being put down for a nap at a relative’s house. Leach shared a photo of herself holding her son’s hand, asking her more than 800,000 followers to pray for his recovery.
“I don’t have any words right now, other than to desperately ask for your prayers. Not the kind that you say ‘I’m praying for you’ and don’t, but the kind where you fall on your knees and beg God for a miracle,” Leach captioned the photo. “...We are living a nightmare, and I’m dying inside. Please pray for my baby. This can’t be real.”
Leach continued to update followers on her son’s condition. The following day, she revealed doctors were still trying to determine Crew’s brain function, but that the infant was in “stable” condition otherwise. In a heartbreaking photo, Leach is seen holding her son’s hand as he lays unconscious in a hospital bed.
“I can’t explain to you what this feels like. This kind of thing only happens to ‘other’ people. Not me. I just want to crawl in bed with my baby and nurse him,” she wrote. “Instead I’m standing here with a breast pump in my bra where my baby should be... begging God for a miracle. Please continue to pray. Please. I don’t think I can go on without him.”
In a separate photo with her husband Jeff, Leach cradled Crew in her arms, and asked followers to help her and her husband find “clarity.” Leach shared that although her son’s “earthly body” was still with them, “he’s already dancing and playing in Heaven.”
Leach admitted that she had tried to rely on her faith, but was struggling to accept the tragedy. A recent photo on her Instagram shows her sitting on the floor of the hospital with her head in her hands.
“It’s all just too much,” she captioned the photo. “All of it. I know God has a plan for this, but I’m really really mad at him right now. I cry behind the bathroom door while Jeff holds me, because in the room over everyone else gets to laugh and go on with their lives, and it makes me so angry. Running tests on my son’s body to see how his organs are functioning before they take them.”
On Dec. 30, Leach announced the death of her son, who she called her “little hero.” She added that it was “the hardest goodbye of our lives.” The couple, who have three other sons together, are doing their best to remain strong despite their loss.
“Right now Crew is dancing and playing in Heaven with Jeff’s brother, great grandparents, a little brother I never met, and some very special little boys. And one day we hope to meet the three or four little lives that he has saved,” she captioned a drawing of a child with Jesus. “But right now there’s a big hole in my heart and my arms feel empty. Please continue to pray for our strength in coming hours, days, weeks and years.”