ELLE Asks: 'I Can't Afford To Be In My Friendship Group Anymore, What Do I Do?

sharmdean reid elle asks
'I Can't Afford To Be In My Friendship Group'Hearst Owned

ASK ELLE: 'My close friends are all in corporate high-earning jobs, while I work in the arts. As we’ve grown older, the discrepancy between our pay cheques has become wider and wider, and we’re now living on very different budgets. When it comes to things like eating out or going on holiday, it’s very apparent and is starting to impact our friendship. What can I do?'


ELLE's Agony Aunt Sharmadean Reid: At various times in my life, I have been both the 'pauper' and the 'princess' friend. When I was a 'pauper', such as during the early stages of whatever new venture I was starting, my friends would look after me, book the holiday villa and not charge me and let me sleep on their sofa when I needed. When I was the 'princess', I paid for many of my friends' meals and let them stay in my spare rooms.

Real friends don’t keep tabs and don’t make anyone feel awful for having less money because sometimes, that’s life! Long-term friendships naturally have an ebb and flow of changing circumstances as life moves on, so my first question to you is - are these your friends for life? Are they the people you will grow old with? Will you know them forever? If so, it may be worth sitting them down and explaining honestly, your financial standing and your life plan.

Corporate careers can have exponential income growth with bonuses etc, whereby creative careers can scale at a slower pace. If your circumstances aren’t going to change significantly in the next five years, then tell them that while you really want to spend time with them, it may be just one luxury holiday or meal a year, instead of as a standard. You might need to ask for advance notice for the group's plans and may also need to contribute less too.

Perhaps it’s just my nature but I wouldn’t dream of missing out on the precious company of friends just because it might cost me a little extra financially. You can also be proactive in organising special low cost experiences for your crew. I’ve had many core memories made eating fish and chips on a bench on the River Thames, or picnics in the local park. My friend Laura Jackson is the ultimate hostess and someone makes even a simple train journey to the seaside feel like an event. Create a sense of occasion around the little things.

I also find meeting people one on one is cheaper than being part of a group, where costs can quickly escalate. However if you don’t think these friends will be the people at your funeral, then maybe it’s time to build new relationships with people in a similar career to you.

When my son was really young and none of my friends had babies yet, I made friends with other parents who I could holiday with, who understood that we needed to be back at the hotel for 8pm and not party all night. Yes, I missed my girly holidays but I also needed to accept that at that juncture of our lives, my friends and I had different priorities and needed different things.

Above all, you shouldn’t feel resentful or shamed of your situation. Your real friends won’t let money impact your relationship and will see the value of your mere presence as more important than what cash you can bring to the table.

Read my Guide and get your template here.

And if you have a work woe or money dilemma for Sharmadean email ELLEASKS@ELLEUK.COM with your question and we'll get them answered, ASAP.


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