An Enthusiastic Endorsement for Scheduling Sex—Like, Physically, on Your GCal
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It is no exaggeration to say that some of us would cease to function without our Google Calendars. If you thrive on organization, nothing is sexier than a clearly labeled and color-coded list to keep track of every dentist appointment, rent reminder, and project deadline. But in and of itself, opening your agenda first thing in the morning and seeing all the boring shit you have to do that day can feel, well…inherently unsexy, no? Like, hello, packed schedule, 10/10 would rather stay in bed and do nothing instead.
Which is why I’m here to tell you that if you’re in a relationship, you should be putting sex on your to-do list. Add it to your G-Cal, set an alarm, invite your partner so they can have it on their G-Cal. I don’t care how good you think your sex life is, scheduling sex can make it 100 times better.
I know what you’re thinking: Scheduling sex makes it feel like a chore. Well, IDK about you, but I put my manicures and massages on my cal and that doesn’t make them feel like chores to me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Much like dinner with friends or a hot yoga class that always leaves you with a week’s worth of endorphins, scheduling sex gives you something to look forward to when your day otherwise feels blah. And since you and your partner planned ahead, there is no will-we-won’t-we—you’re already aligned. (Which, btw, doesn’t mean you don’t need to ask for consent, or that sex is just a given. You can always change your mind and should respect your partner if they change theirs.)
Giving yourselves that ~something~ to look forward to helps you build anticipation, and what is anticipation if not foreplay? As relationship expert Esther Perel writes, "foreplay begins at the end of the previous orgasm." Ideally, it takes place over time, and not just in the five minutes before you go to pound town. Think: quality time together, flirting, seduction, and (very important) dirty talk. Essentially, scheduling sex is the ultimate form of foreplay because it gives you the chance to do all of this and more throughout the day, knowing that sex is on the table later.
For women, foreplay is just as much mental as it is physical. (Literally, it starts in your brain.) The male brain has a larger hypothalamus (the part of the brain that’s responsible for producing testosterone), meaning they generally have higher sex drives. But a woman’s brain responds to sexual stimuli in multiple regions, including the amygdala—which processes emotional stimuli— the temporal lobe (the hearing center), the frontal lobe, and the occipital lobe. Dirty talk lights up all of it, which is why if you’ve never sexted before, consider this your sign to start. While you're apart during the day, tell our partner exactly what you want them to do to you later and what you have planned for them in detail. When the time comes, you’ll both be beyond ready and they’ll know exactly what you want.
It can also be a logistical game changer if you and your partner have busy schedules. You’re giving intimacy a specific time and place, and knowing when it’s coming can remind you to prioritize each other so you don’t accidentally go an entire month before realizing you’ve barely touched. Because, hi, we know life gets in the way—you have work, social plans, self care, family obligations…it’s a lot! A Designated Sex Day lets you throw every excuse out the window so you can focus on making each other feel extra special and desired, which in and of itself can bring you closer.
And if I have yet to convince you thus far, think about how much hotter sex can be when you and your partner have time to (wait for it…) think about what you want, talk it out, and plan accordingly. If you’re bored of your regular routine and want to try something new, you have time to do your research instead of finding yourself in a fight mid-coitus because one of you surprised the other with something you definitely didn’t want. You have time to go lingerie or sex toy shopping, to prioritize your hygiene (men please shower), to browse Cosmo’s collection of top-notch sex positions (shameless plug). You get the picture: scheduled sex = more prepared sex = better sex. Win/win/win.
And if you’re still thinking, “But sex should be spontaneous!” I would like to ask: According to whomst? Why does sex have to be spontaneous to be good? Life is (sorry!) not a Nicholas Sparks movie! And keep in mind: I never said you should only have scheduled sex. Do it whenever you want! In addition to the times that are already on the cal 😇.
How often you schedule sex is up to you. Do you want to do it weekly? Biweekly? Monthly? Take into consideration your sex drives and schedules. And avoid scheduling it when you know either of you has a potentially stressful thing happening—nothing says turn-off like an annual performance review or like, a funeral.
And please for the love of God do not accidentally schedule sex on your work cal. Your boss does not need to know that much about you. Now, grab your planner and go forth!
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