Gagging order: the jokes comedians would have told at Edinburgh
Marcus Brigstocke
“How many fringe performers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,000. One to change it and 4,999 to tell them their lightbulb-changing act has been woefully overlooked by the industry and got a standing ovation when there were no critics in.”
Sophie Duker
“I’m so sad that the Edinburgh fringe isn’t happening this year. For those unfamiliar, it’s the biggest arts festival in the world. It’s also the most diverse arts festival in the world – it’s got people from literally all over north London.”
Stephen K Amos
“Just because you do a bad job once, it does not make you a bad person. My uncle recently beheaded a woman – not a bad person, bad magician.”
Ivo Graham
“I’m amazed Dominic Cummings kept his job – in most Tory governments you get fired immediately if they find out you went to Durham.”
Ahir Shah
“All of my desires in 2020 sound like the desires of someone from 1920. The other day I genuinely thought: ‘I wonder when I will next be in a motor car.’”
Maisie Adam
“I live with my boyfriend and my brother, both of whom I love very much but in very different ways. The only thing they have in common is they’ve both shared a bath with me at some point in their lives. One was a very erotic experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in. It ruined Valentine’s Day.”
Stuart Goldsmith
“I live in a sort of creative community up a hill in Bristol. It’s not a ‘gated community’, but it is quite a steep hill.”
Olga Koch
“I transition my summer dresses into winter by simply being depressed in them.”
David Morgan
“I’m gay and I really love it, but I don’t like it when people refer to us as ‘the gays’ like it’s a nationality. As if we’re all from the same country. I can’t really imagine what that country would be like, other than heavily dependent on immigration.”
Glenn Moore
“I think the next Jurassic World film should be called A Reptile Dysfunction.”
Sindhu Vee
“The biggest downside to very young children is that they are quite boring. Like, they want to show you they love you by talking to you all the time but everything they know you already know. Literally zero value added in any of those conversations.”
Tom Houghton
“I grew up watching musicals. Miss Saigon, Oliver, Les Mis. Because there’s nothing upper class people like more than going to the theatre and watching other upper class people, dressed as working class people, singing about how hard it is not being upper class people.”
Njambi McGrath
“The British people don’t circumcise because it’s cold.”
Sam Morrison
“The most effective way to make a straight man uncomfortable: when one knocks on your bathroom door, say: ‘Come in.’”
Related: The Guide: Staying In – sign up for our home entertainment tips
Myq Kaplan
“I’m vegan, but I’m not here to tell you that I’m living my life better than you. I’m merely here to imply it.”
Bobby Mair
“I bought a porn magazine called Barely Legal Russia but when I opened it, there was just pictures of men holding hands.”
Flo & Joan
“You’re not a real fan of the news if you haven’t been watching it from the beginning.”
Angela Barnes
“The main cause of climate change in the UK at the moment is Prince Andrew burning all his clothes and documents.”
Jonny & the Baptists
“If I were God I’d spend all my time appearing at Richard Dawkins. He’d never tell anyone, but it would really piss him off.”
Eleanor Tiernan
“I came out just before lockdown. Suddenly I was free to be who I really was … but only as long as I stayed in my room.”
