So, look, I’m going to show you something strange, because I can’t quite figure out what to make of it. I spotted this at an Atlanta-area Target over the weekend, and, well … just look:
What the hell are we looking at here?
A very strange poster. The kind of poster that looks like it’ll peel itself off a teenager’s walls when the moonlight hits it just right.
Is … is that some kind of human-falcon hybrid?
Yeah. Don’t ask how it was created. Just give it the ball.
Isn’t that a crime against nature?
It would seem so.
Where are its wings?
No idea! Tucked under the jersey? Bred out of the bloodline? There’s a lot of anatomical strangeness going on here, from the human hands that end in talons to the —
Wait. Do falcons have teeth?
— to that. Falcons do not, as a rule, have teeth.
No kidding. The Patriots could’ve told you tha—
Hey, if you want to make a 28-3 joke to this freak, be my guest.
Good point. That thing looks pretty ripped.
Yeah. No idea how a drug test would come back on this monstrosity, but chances are it’d be a suspension, one way or another.
What about that touchdown it’s scoring?
At last, a football-related line of inquiry. So, this falcon is obviously scoring a touchdown, and is diving over the goal line to do so. Which means one of two things: either he’s leaping over in celebration, with nobody around him, and he’s going to draw a penalty (but he’ll take it, ’cause he’s EXXXTREME), or he’s caught a pass and he’s going to have to somehow maintain control of it while in midair, ’cause if it hits the ground first, no touchdown. We want to see the instant replay review on that.
Also, the falcon isn’t wearing a helmet, which is most definitely cause for a penalty, and could result in a concussion if the falcon isn’t careful.
Would the NFL allow some kind of horrific human-falcon crossbreed into the league?
Well, there’s no rule AGAINST hellbeasts like this playing football, if that’s what you’re asking. And let’s be honest: the Falcons could USE a demon like this in red and black. No way Dont’a Hightower gets a crucial Super Bowl sack on Matt Ryan if this guy’s blocking. No way this beast lets a critical fourth-down goal-line ball slip through his talons, the way Julio Jones did against Philadelphia in last year’s divisional playoffs.
Bottom line, FalconMan would be an instant hit in Atlanta, and if he were to devour a random Saint or two, hey, who’s gonna complain?
I don’t understand all this! It’s just a poster! This isn’t funny! Why is this here? Where’s the real news?
Yeah … this might not be the story for you, friend. What, you wanted another Trump/NFL article?
Are there other misshapen creations like this out there?
Maybe! If you have one of these freakish horrors for your own NFL team, hit us up on Twitter or via email and shoot us a pic! Until then, stay safe. You never know when one of these beasts might be coming for your team.
Update: Yes, as expected, there’s an entire genre of these posters, from the cyborg Pittsburgh Steelers icon to the chain-mail-clad Arizona Cardinals mascot:
Laughed reading the article. I think a lot of teams (if not all) in the league have similar posters
Here's Bengals and Steelers for example: pic.twitter.com/DQ4HzQO2FV
— Elmo (@Count_Elmo) June 25, 2018
I've gone thru a few more just searching "[team] poster" in image search and they come up as most of the top hits.
Here's some other bird teams….and more teeth! XD pic.twitter.com/QUhgZw7dPl
— Elmo (@Count_Elmo) June 25, 2018
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