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How to Shut Down Negative Body Talk When You’re Home for the Holidays

The more they love you, the crueler they can be. (Photo: Julia Kennedy/Trunk Archive)
The more they love you, the crueler they can be. (Photo: Julia Kennedy/Trunk Archive)

Get enough relatives in a room together over the holidays, and chances are certain hot-button issues — from politics to relationships — will inevitably come up. But the real danger often lies in having that one judgmental relative who feels compelled to make a negative comment about your body — or worse, your child’s — or an insecure aunt who can’t stop talking about how “fat” she is in front of everyone.

“There’s an underlying necessity to go into this type of conversation over the holidays,” Robyn Silverman, author of Good Girls Don’t Get Fat: How Weight Obsession Is Messing Up Our Girls and How We Can Help Them Thrive Despite It tells Yahoo Style. “People feel insecure, and we know the natural baton-passing that happens between women and girls is, ‘I’m so fat. I shouldn’t have eaten that.’ And then the other person grabs the baton and says, ‘No, you’re not the fat one.’ That’s the natural bonding between women, but we have to change that. You shouldn’t ignore it — especially if your child is listening. You’re modeling it for them.”

A California-based mom of three, who requested anonymity, has seen firsthand the negative consequences of fat talk, which often rears its ugly head during family gatherings. “We take our three small children on vacations with my in-laws at least twice a year,” she tells Yahoo Style. “Without fail, for weeks after those trips, my rail-thin children with usually hearty appetites will turn down random, delicious foods, and tell me, ‘No, that will make me fat.’”

The mom adds: “The crazy part is that I usually don’t hear what my in-laws have said to them to generate this anxiety. It’s as if the grandparents’ preoccupation with their own weight transfers to the kids via osmosis. It’s a great reminder of how much kids pick up, even when we think we’re hiding it.”

A New York-based mom, who also wishes to remain anonymous, found herself in an even more difficult situation when her own mother brought up her 5-year-old granddaughter’s weight out of the blue. “We were just standing around eating breakfast — it wasn’t even a conversation around anything to do with my daughter’s size — and my mom said to my daughter, ‘Oh, don’t worry, you’ll thin out when you grow,’” the mom shared with Yahoo Style. “I looked at her and said, ‘Can we not do that?’ She said, ‘It’s true!’ And I told her that’s not necessary. My mom said it’s not a big deal.”

The mom says her daughter is tall for her age and athletic, and that she doesn’t need to slim down. “She’s 5!” the mom says. “Her pediatrician says she’s healthy and perfectly fine. Whatever my mother is seeing, I didn’t need the passive-aggressive comment.”

With the holidays coming up, the mom said she’s thought about what she might do when she sees her own mother again. “But I haven’t come up with the right answer yet,” she says.

Many parents will find themselves in a similar boat over the holidays, dealing with unwelcome comments about weight and not clear on how exactly to handle them.

But with some expert help, you can deftly navigate these emotional landmines. Jamie Howard, a clinical psychologist in the Anxiety and Mood Disorders Center of New York’s Child Mind Institute and the director of the center’s Trauma and Resilience Service, say it’s important to address the negative body-image talk, particularly if it’s directed at — or even within earshot of — a child. “This can be damaging because it’s evaluative in nature, and it communicates that they’re being judged and measured rather than unconditionally loved and enjoyed,” Howard says. “Children need to know that they’re OK as they are. If there is a health issue, such as obesity, then it’s the parents’ job to intervene and get the child connected to appropriate treatment.”

Have a Talk in Advance

If, based on past family visits, you know that your mom, mother-in-law, or another relative is going to make a judgmental comment about your weight or your child’s, have a “pre-talk,” suggests Silverman. Send a text or an email and say, “Is there a time we can talk before you come?” Silverman emphasizes that the text or email is only to set up a quick meeting — the conversation itself should be in person or at least on the phone. “Say to this person, ‘We’re so excited about having you come next week. We always love having you. Lately, we’re making sure our child is in a really positive atmosphere. So we’re just scrapping all of that fat talk in our house — it’s our new rule. I know that you wouldn’t do it, but we’re going to keep it light and positive so everyone has a good time.’”

Having a friendly conversation ahead of time can help prevent the negative body talk in the first place. By addressing it this way, you’re also not saying, “You do this,” which would put your relative on the defensive. “It’s more than we’re all in the same boat,” says Silverman. “You can even have a sign: Please drop your fat talk at the door.”

Speak Up if You Need to — It’s Your Child

But if one of your relatives doesn’t get the memo and speaks negatively about your child’s body, Howard recommends addressing it immediately and defending your kid. “Parents should intervene and say something like, ‘Actually I think he’s fantastic just the way he is right now,’” suggests Howard. “Or with an easy manner, say, ‘That’s OK, she’s allowed to have another piece of pie, thanks.’”

Adds Howard: “I recommend first addressing it out loud so the person who made the inappropriate remark and the child can both hear. Then I would give the child a reassuring smile or pat on the shoulder. Kids care much more about what their parents think than their other relatives.”

You can also defuse the situation by jumping in and saying, “’Oh, we don’t talk about that stuff in our house,’” suggests Silverman. “‘We’re focused on all of the amazing things our bodies can do. Did you hear that [your child] has taken up volleyball? Tell us about your first volleyball practice.’ You don’t need to get all huffy about it. You can say, ‘You know, we just don’t talk that way in our house. I heard that you took up yoga! How’s that going?’ Move in the direction of talking about your favorite things that your body can do and that your body is amazing.”

As Silverman puts it: “Move forward. No need to lecture.”

Follow Up With Your Kids Later

Also, check in with your child in private later on and see how he or she is feeling — but keep it light. “You might say to your child, ‘I know you were in the kitchen when your aunt started focusing on calories and dieting; I just wanted to ask you, what did you think about that? Did you pick up on that?’” suggests Silverman. “You can say, ‘She’s always saying things like that and it’s so weird.’ And then say something directly to your child: ‘I just want to be clear with you, sweetheart, there’s a reason we don’t talk like that. It’s garbage! We eat to feel energized. We make healthy choices because we want to do great things with our bodies, but it’s OK to have dessert once in a while.”

Of course, we don’t always feel comfortable or courageous enough to speak up in the moment. So if you dropped the ball at the family holiday gathering, Silverman says you can still address it after the fact: “If you mess up, you can say to your child, ‘I messed up and I don’t even agree with what was said.’ You can say what you wished you’d said. Some parents are scared about apologizing, but parenting is the ultimate do-over.”

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