I'm A Mother Of Boys. I'm Not Raising Them To Be Like Our Next President.
“If you see someone sitting by themselves at lunch, invite them to your table,” I told my boys when they each began elementary school. “If you notice someone being bullied, say something kind and then tell a teacher.”
From the moment my sons were born, my most important job as their mother was to shape them into kind, respectful children. I wanted them to be the reason the lonely kid felt welcome at school. I wanted them never to think twice about being friends with people who look, pray or think differently than we do. It was easy enough during their early childhood, when President Barack Obama spoke on our television with elegance and compassion. He set the example, and I reiterated it.
But last week, Donald Trump won the White House for the second time, and everything changed. My boys were young during Trump’s first term, and although they remember an overall feeling of dismay in our home, the details of his presidency didn’t have much of an impact on their development. But as my older son begins his teenage years and my younger son follows closely behind, this will be the presidency they remember from the core of these formative years.
I grew up in the 1980s and ’90s, when presidential politics meant two candidates debating civilly over their differing opinions and plans to better our country ― both of them hoping to inspire children to become exceptional citizens. The discourse was family-friendly, and both sides offered a model of leadership and maturity that children could learn from. Today’s children, though, are growing up amid elections where one side demonstrates leadership and the other embraces division, intolerance and cruelty.
“Always tell the truth,” I instructed my sons. “The truth is always the right answer.” Teaching children good morals is simple when adults, especially authority figures, set the example. But Trump has made enough misleading statements and told enough flat-out lies to warrant a lengthy Wikipedia page cataloging them. This is who our boys are now in danger of seeing as a role model.
The Trump administration will inevitably create a dangerous world for girls as they navigate the murky waters of abortion bans and the downstream effects of chauvinistic leadership. But our boys have a lot to lose, too, from witnessing men like the president-elect rise to the top. Trump is the opposite of everything I’ve taught my sons to be, and I suspect they’ll question the morals I’ve encouraged in them as they watch a bullying bigot once again become one of the most powerful people in the world. They’ll wonder how a campaign built on lies has succeeded not once but twice, when I’ve always taught them that honesty is the only way forward.
As their mother, I must be prepared to respond to their confusion.
The long list of Trump’s deplorable acts is well-documented at this point. He’s mocked a disabled reporter, befriended dictators, disrespected the U.S. military, and discriminated against Muslims, Mexicans, Native Americans, Black people and Jews, among any number of other groups. He’s said, paternalistically and ominously, that he’ll protect women “whether the women like it or not.” During his 2016 presidential campaign, Trump said abortion should be banned, and even advocated, at least briefly, for punishment for women who get illegal abortions. He undermines scientific expertise and surrounds himself with people who do the same, as evidenced by his dismissal of the realities of climate change and his trust in Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a vaccine skeptic and follower of pseudoscience. On Jan. 6, 2021, he incited a riot at the U.S. Capitol that led to the deaths of five people and left more than 100 law enforcement officers injured. Leaders should bring communities together; Trump has divided us and endorsed violence, and our children risk being influenced by his words and actions.
For my boys’ entire lives, I have been living with multiple sclerosis. Through watching a mother who often struggles to walk and stand, my children have developed empathy, a quality foreign to our soon-to-be president. Trump has shown repeatedly that he lacks the ability to empathize with the American people. During the pandemic, rather than respond to the loss of life with integrity and compassion, he minimized the severity and potential impact of the virus. He has fat-shamed former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and spoken about grabbing women “by the pussy.” In 1992, he was quoted in New York magazine as saying “you have to treat [women] like shit.” The litany goes on. I refuse to let my children believe that such a lack of basic humanity is acceptable.
Children learn by example, and their character is shaped by the leaders in their lives. Boys, especially, look up to prominent male figures for guidance. Without intervention, a second Trump administration may shape a generation of men who act selfishly, disregarding the consequences of their actions and lacking any understanding of the meaning of community.
“Anyone can fill a position of leadership,” I explained to my 13-year-old last night, while we were talking about the outcome of the election. “But only the strong, kind, and brave leaders find a way forward for everyone. They don’t leave anyone behind.”
When my boys are grown, I will be proud of who they are. Because for the next four years, I’ll be doing whatever it takes to ensure they become everything Trump isn’t.
