Kirstie Alley hates Olympic curling, of course she does

Kirstie Alley in the all-new Blood Drive episode of SCREAM QUEENS. (Getty Images)

On the list of phrases I never thought I’d write during the 2018 PyeongChang Olympics, this is probably near the top: Kirstie Alley is picking a fight with the sport of curling.

There’s lots of layers to this onion, so let’s start peeling back all the feelings.

In my mind, this may be how it all went down: At precisely 5:06pm pacific time, Kirstie finishes watching yet another Cheers rerun, specifically the 1989, season 7 episode: “The Gift of Woodi” where Woody Harrelson’s character “Woody” is invited to his rich girlfriend’s birthday party but can’t afford to buy her a real gift. As he moves past embarrassment, he learns quickly that love is a two-way street. A sentiment we can all understand fully.

Meanwhile, Kirstie’s character “Rebecca” professes to the group that she is “too darn beautiful” and looks to freshen up her fashion sense in order to move up the corporate ladder by enlisting Lilith’s fashion advise. Of course, this goes terribly wrong and Ted Danson’s character “Sam Malone” laughs and makes lewd but hilarious comments while sipping soda water behind the bar.

CHEERS — ‘One for the Road’ Episode 25 — Aired 5/20/93 — Pictured: (Back row l-r) Ted Danson as Sam Malone, Rhea Perlman as Carla Tortelli, Woody Harrelson as Woody Boyd, Kelsey Grammer as Dr. Frasier Crane (front row l-r) John Ratzenberger as Cliff Clavin, Tom Berenger as Don Santry, Kirsty Alley as Rebecca Howe, Shelley Long as Diane Chambers, George Wendt as Norm Peterson (Getty Images)

I’d imagine that at the episode’s finish, Kirstie flipped through the channels briefly and came across an ice-based Olympic event. She was undoubtedly perplexed and decided to watch a few minutes of it. Then, at 5:10pm, she tweeted out:

To which USA’s Team Shuster tweeted a rebuttal:

I think I can speak for all of America when I say that the only winner in this battle is EVERYONE.

So, let’s compare resumes between Kirstie Alley and Team USA Curling. America wants to know who to root for in this epic battle of curling versus film careers.

According to IMDB:

  • Kirstie has been a part of 74 productions. Although, to be fair, three of these productions were the “Look Who’s Talking” trilogy, surrounded by a slew of TV shows and straight-to-TV movies that I’m sure she hasn’t even watched. So this may actually be an argument for Team USA Curling. Chalk up one point for ice-shuffleboard.
  • She’s garnered five Golden Globes nominations and even one win in 1991 for her role on “Cheers.”
  • She’s also been nominated six times for Primetime Emmy Awards, netting one win in the same year as the Golden Globes. Apparently, 1991 was the year she really hit her mark. Oh, I almost forgot her riveting performance in 1994, when she garnered a second Primetime Emmy Award for a TV-movie entitled, “David’s Mother,” which looks, according to IMDB, to be a tear-jerking family drama based around autism. I’m sure she was stunning in it, and I’m sure we all saw it.

Other fun facts about Kirstie include:

  • She has a fear of flying. (Logical)
  • She has a Star Trek action figure of herself from her role in “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn”. (Where’s the curling action figures?!?! I’m talking to you, Mattel!)
  • Her first husband, Robert Alley, was a distant relative who shared the same last name. (Uhhh, what?)
  • She’s a hard-core Scientologist. (Leaving that one alone)
  • She endorsed Donald Trump in 2016. (Also leaving that one alone)
PARK CITY, UT – SEPTEMBER 26: Curler Matt Hamilton poses for a portrait during the Team USA Media Summit ahead of the PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games. (Getty Images)

And now, USA Curling’s resume to determine the, well, I guess the winner of this discussion (If you’ve read this far, you may as well just keep going):

  • In a sport dominated by Canada and all other countries covered in ice and heavy IPAs, Team USA has scored one medal in men’s team curling, back in 2006. To be fair, curling has only been in the Olympics a total of seven times, including 2018. So we’re 1-for-7 as a country. That’s approximately a 14% winning percentage which, by my calculations, easily doubles the percentage of watchable films Kirstie has made in her 40-year career. Point for curling.
  • As far as I can see, Kirstie Alley has never received a tweet from Aaron Rodgers, or any Hall of Fame quarterback, for that matter. Another point for curling:

  • Also, Mr. T is a rabid fan of curling. And I can’t find any tweets about “Look Who’s Talking Too” or “Fat Actress”, so chalk this up as a point for curling as well:

  • Also this:

  • Lastly, curling is an Olympic sport that includes screaming, ice-sweeping and a hammer. Furthermore, it’s not a movie about talking babies or a straight-to-TV movie co-starring Gary Busey. So, the win goes to Team USA curling.

Final score: six points for curling, three points for Kirstie Alley. Win goes to Team USA curling, and curling in general.

You can’t argue with this, it’s simple math.

More Olympic coverage from Yahoo Sports:
Russian curler formally charged with doping in PyeongChang
Ice dancer on wardrobe malfunction: ‘It was my worst nightmare’
Adam Rippon won’t actually be an NBC Olympic correspondent
Vonn playing ‘mind games’ after third-place training run
Gold medalist comforts silver medalist in true Olympic moment