Acquired under the Freedom of Information Act, kangaroo court records from baseball’s 30 clubhouses show why personal servers aren’t always a bad idea.
The rankings (records through Wednesday’s games):
1. Houston Astros (58-27; Previous: 1): It is illegal to drag out the first S in Astros for too long. Fine: $100.
2. Los Angeles Dodgers (57-29; Previous: 2): Eye contact with Kershaw – intentional or otherwise – on start day: $200. Intentional or otherwise eye contact with Kershaw’s bobblehead on start day: $25.
3. Arizona Diamondbacks (52-33; Previous: 4): Failure to wear a sports coat on the road: $150. Wearing current uniform: case-by-case basis.
4. Boston Red Sox (49-36; Previous: 7): At Fenway Park, it is considered bad form to leave a wet towel on the floor. Attracts vermin. And reporters. Hundred bucks.
5. Washington Nationals (50-34; Previous: 5): Hair in the sink will cost you $75. Werth running a tab, paying monthly.
6. Colorado Rockies (50-37; Previous: 3): Dirty dishes in the humidor: $100. Cigar ashes in humidor: that’s cool.
7. Milwaukee Brewers (47-40; Previous: 9): Do not spit sunflower seeds into the wrong cup. Braun’s sounded like he’s had kennel cough for a month. Fifty bucks.
8. New York Yankees (44-39; Previous: 6): While in dugout, it’ll cost you $100 if you ask Aaron Judge, “Permission to approach the bench?” Just dumb.
9. Cleveland Indians (44-39; Previous: 8): Native American war cries: $200 fine. Fangraphs WAR cries: no blood.
10. Kansas City Royals (44-40; Previous: 15): Step on the foul line, get a $50 fine. Also, white stuff on your shoe.
11. Minnesota Twins (43-41; Previous: 11): Loud music: $200. Soft Nickelback: $300.
12. Chicago Cubs (42-42; Previous: 10): Blaming the pitcher for his three-minute delivery time: you’re fired. Flipping off a president: meh.
13. Tampa Bay Rays (44-42; Previous: 12): The cut-off man is there for a reason. To applaud my laser-like throw. Here, take your hundred bucks.
14. Los Angeles Angels (44-45; Previous: 16): Lack of hustle is a $500 fine. Unless you probably would have been out anyway and it’s really swaggy.
15. Atlanta Braves (40-43; Previous: 22): Sighing and whining, “I miss Bart.” That’s 300 big ones, give or take.
16. St. Louis Cardinals (40-44; Previous: 19): You feed the Clydesdales, you carry the shovel. No fine.
17. Texas Rangers (41-44; Previous: 13): Touching the head of Adrian Beltre will cost you $50. Touching the head of the man who touched the head of Adrian Beltre will get your $50 back.
18. Baltimore Orioles (40-44; Previous: 18): Buck makes a pitching change, everybody drinks. It’s the rule.
19. Seattle Mariners (41-45; Previous: 17): Hundred bucks for double-dipping postgame salsa tray.
20. Toronto Blue Jays (39-45; Previous: 14): Talking to a pitcher in the midst of a no-hitter will bring a $200 fine, unless that pitcher is about to back into a roaring airplane propeller.
21. New York Mets (38-45; Previous: 24): Touch Syndergaard’s hairbrush? A small fine and a large electrical jolt.
22. Pittsburgh Pirates (39-46; Previous: 20): You know how much tobacco spit in a Styrofoam cup looks like coffee? Two hundred bucks.
23. Chicago White Sox (37-47; Previous: 25): Fail to replace the spent toilet paper roll the morning after Dollar Nacho Tub Night: two-game suspension.
24. Miami Marlins (38-45; Previous: 23): Throwing bats, helmets, gloves and other gear: that’s unprofessional and will cost you $200. Throwing entire seasons: that’s savvy business and will get you $1.3 billion.
25. Detroit Tigers (37-46; Previous: 21): Sunflower seeds in your pocket are OK. Half-eaten ham sandwich is not. Seventy-five dollars.
26. Oakland Athletics (37-48; Previous: 26): Addressing Billy Beane as “muchacho”: three laps.
27. Cincinnati Reds (36-48; Previous: 27): No, Mr. Red is not one of the Reservoir Dogs. Fifty bucks for that.
28. San Diego Padres (26-48; Previous: 28): Miss a bunt sign: $50 for lack of attentiveness. Miss a bunt sign and then hit a home run: $100 for showing up the manager.
29. San Francisco Giants (34-52; Previous: 29): A new tattoo depicting you soaking in a hot tub the shape of Bruce Bochy’s head will cost you $1,000.
30. Philadelphia Phillies (28-55; Previous: 30): Ten dollars if you flinch. Twenty dollars if you look at the standings and flinch.