Parents, Save These Dad Jokes for When You Want Your Kids to Groan and Roll Their Eyes

·14 min read
Parents, Save These Dad Jokes for When You Want Your Kids to Groan and Roll Their Eyes

There are funny jokes for kids, there are silly knock-knock jokes, there are mind-bending riddles and there are groan-worthy puns, but the hardest quip to really put your finger on by far is the elusive dad joke.

For starters, the name is a misnomer — it doesn't actually have anything to do with the parental status of the deliverer. (I'm a case in point — between me and my husband, I'm the one who's more likely to tell the dad jokes, and I'm certainly the only one in my family who laughs at them.) And dad jokes come in all formats, so there's not a specific setup or punchline to start with. Instead, dad jokes are more of a feeling. You kind of want your kids to laugh at these, but groaning and rolling their eyes is even better. And there's definitely an element of wordplay that brings about those scoffs and whines. Whether you're a beginner dad-joke-teller or a seasoned pro looking to expand your repertoire, these are the best dad jokes to use on your kids.

Looking for more laughs? We have lots of holiday-specific jokes, too, including Christmas jokes, Thanksgiving jokes, Halloween jokes, Easter jokes and Valentine's Day jokes — even jokes for Pi Day on March 14!

Best One-Liner and Punny Dad Jokes

Photo credit: Hearst Owned
Photo credit: Hearst Owned

One-liners are the most versatile tool in the dad-joke toolbox, because the teller doesn't have to wait for any setup. Just drop these into a conversation whenever there's a dull moment.

  • I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.

  • Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.

  • I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

  • RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.

  • A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.

  • Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

  • Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.

  • I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!

  • I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

  • Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  • Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

  • 6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.

  • Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.

  • I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.

  • My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.

  • I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

  • I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.

  • I’m friends with almost all the letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.

  • Mom texted me from the grocery store to say they’re out of pasta, and we’re penneless.

  • Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

  • I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

  • Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

  • Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can't see anything.

  • A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.

  • We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

  • I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!

  • It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.

  • At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.

  • My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.

  • I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!

  • I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.

  • I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.

  • I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!

  • My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

  • My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

  • Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.

  • The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

  • I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.

  • I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

  • Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!

  • Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.

  • I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.

  • My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

  • If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

  • I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.

  • I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!

  • I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

  • Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.

  • I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.

  • I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

Best Corny Dad Jokes

Photo credit: Hearst Owned
Photo credit: Hearst Owned

With a little more time — and skill — these question-and-answer jokes require more audience interaction, but get a bigger payoff. They're good for car rides, waiting rooms, restaurants and any other place where audiences can't just walk away.

Q: Why are balloons so expensive?
A: Inflation.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: Why can’t you send a duck to space?
A: Because the bill would be astronomical.

Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches?
A: The outside!

Q: What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested?
A: They gave him a tough sentence.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

Q: Why did an old man fall in a well?
A: Because he couldn’t see that well!

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: A fsh.

Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?
A: Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can’t jump.

Q: Why are elevator jokes so good?
A: They work on many levels.

Q: Why are peppers the best at archery?
A: Because they habanero.

Q: What state is known for its tiny beverages?
A: Minnesota

Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer?
A: Because it didn’t like its toner voice.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he Neverlands.

Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
A: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Q: What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
A: Live stream it.

Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
A: It was very sweepy.

Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?
A: Because they often have to draw blood.

Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident?
A: Yeah, now he’s a rect-angle!

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.

Q: How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
A: It is either one or the utter.

Q: What’s red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint.

Q: Why can’t you ever run through a campsite?
A: You can only ran — it’s always past tents.

Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?
A: She said its days were numbered.

Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers?
A: Because they make no cents.

Q: Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?
A: It’s a big waist of space.

Q: What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
A: You’re under a vest.

Q: What’s the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?
A: Leave the pizza in the oven.

Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop?
A: No luggage, I’m traveling light.

Q: When did they find water on the moon?
A: When it was waning!

Q: What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A: Mississippi.

Q: What’s the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle?
A: Attire!

Q: What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
A: Anna One, Anna Two

Q: Why is the cow always smiling?
A: It’s in a good mooood I guess.

Q: Why did the coffee go to the police?
A: To report a mugging.

Q: Did you hear about the king who was exactly 12 inches tall?
A: He was a great ruler!

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Q: How do you cure a fear of a speed bump?
A: You slowly get over it.

Q: What's the difference between a "dad joke" and a "bad joke?"
A: The direction of the first letter.

Q: When does a regular joke become a “dad joke?”
A: When it becomes apparent.

Best "I Have a Joke About..." Dad Jokes

Photo credit: Hearst Owned
Photo credit: Hearst Owned

Your kids might think they're getting away with something here, because the whole shtick is a refusal to tell a joke, but the groans will come nonetheless.

  • I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.

  • I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.

  • I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.

  • I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.

  • I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

  • I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.

  • I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.

  • I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.

  • I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.

  • I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

  • I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.

  • I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.

  • I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.

  • I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.

  • I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.

  • I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts.

  • I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.

  • I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

  • I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

  • I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.

  • I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.

  • I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.

  • I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.

Best Pop Culture Dad Jokes

Photo credit: Hearst Owned
Photo credit: Hearst Owned

Audiences for these will have to get specific references to TVs, movies and other newsmakers before these jokes can be deployed, but it's good to have them at the ready.

Q: What's ET short for?
A: Because he's only got tiny legs!

Q: What concert costs just 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s email password?
A: 1Forrest1

Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep?
A: He puts his PJ-Amazon.

Q: How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
A: You follow the fresh prints.

Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast?
A: On the dark side.

Q: What type of coordination was Whitney Houston most famous for?
A: “Hand eeeeyeeeeee!"

  • People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.”

  • I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind.

  • I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness.

  • Bigfoot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch — Yeti never complains.

Best "To The Person Who Stole My..." Dad Jokes

Photo credit: Hearst Owned
Photo credit: Hearst Owned

These work better on texts and Post-It notes than they do in conversation, but if you can pull them off, they might be the most groan-worthy of all.

  • To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!

  • To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.

  • To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

  • To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.

  • To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.

  • To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I bet you can't sleep at night.

  • To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

Dad Jokes for Adults

Photo credit: Hearst Owned
Photo credit: Hearst Owned

Tell these after dark, when the kids are in bed. (No one is safe!)

Q: What do you call a zombie who likes to make stir fry?
A: Dead man wok-ing

Q: What do you call bees that produce milk instead of honey?
A: Boo-Bees

Q: What did the full glass say to the empty glass?
A: You look drunk.

Q: What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller?
A: Spot!

Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam.

Q: How do fish get high?
A: Seaweed!

  • I'm so excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!

  • Once I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

  • I got so excited that spring is here that I wet my plants.

  • I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with. She said yes, all the rest had been nines and tens.

  • My wife turned to me and said, "What starts with F and ends with K?" and I said, "No it doesn't."

  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Best Dad Jokes That Are Responses to Kid Questions

Photo credit: Hearst Owned
Photo credit: Hearst Owned

For those phrases and questions that kids say over and over, of course there are dad-joke responses stockpiled and ready to go.

Kid: Dad, I’m hungry.
Dad: Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.

Kid: Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut!

Dad: What’s this vegetable called?
Kid: An artichoke.
Dad: Well, it may have choked Artie, but it won’t choke Dad!

Kid: Dad, I hurt my foot!
Dad: Well, what’d you do that for?

Kid: I’ll call you later.
Dad: No, call me Dad.

Kid: Dad, how do I look?
Dad: With your eyes.

Kid: Dad, can you put my shoes on?
Dad: No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Kid: What’s that?
Dad: It’s a henweigh.
Kid: What’s a henweigh?
Dad: About two pounds.

Kid: Dad, can you make me a sandwich?
Dad: Poof! You’re a sandwich.

Kid: Dad, can you put the cat out?
Dad: I didn't know it was on fire.

Kid: I’m cold.
Dad: Then go sit in the corner — it’s 90 degrees!

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