My rabbi was super cool about it: why I had a gender-neutral b'nai mitzvah

There was never any question that Ruby Marx, a 13-year-old from Massachusetts, would have a Jewish coming-of-age ceremony. But while the event is traditionally delineated by gender – boys have bar mitzvahs and girls have bat mitzahs – Ruby decided instead to have a gender-neutral ceremony known as a B mitzvah or b’nai mitzvah.

At the ceremony, the rabbi’s blessing for Ruby included these words: “Keep bringing your full self to the world. The world needs people that don’t shy away from their true self; we will always be there for you.”

Here is Ruby’s story, as told to reporter Molly Langmuir:

I was three when I started dressing in a more masculine way. I don’t feel like a boy, but I don’t feel like a girl either. And the way I’ve expressed my gender has always been supported. My family knows I’m going to be masculine and still use female pronouns and just experiment. I talk to them about everything. All my grandparents know too.

People sometimes mistake me in bathrooms, but it hasn’t been a big problem. At my school, there are definitely other kids in my grade who are playing with gender. And there are kids who are gay, like I am, and bi. They’re all very accepted.

Judaism is a big part of my family – we keep kosher and my older sister had a bat mitzvah, so I knew I would have to have one too. But I didn’t want to be called a girl, which is a traditional part of the ceremony. And I didn’t want a bar mitzvah either. I wanted something in the middle.

My mom read about B mitzvahs in an article, and once she told me about it I decided that was what I wanted. My rabbi is the best rabbi and she loves me, so she was super cool about it. And the community as a whole was really accepting. Basically, I had a regular bat mitzvah, but we just changed the name, and in the service the words “bar” (son) or “bat” (daughter) were never used.

For my project, I had a benefit rock concert the weekend before (synagogues sometimes require a project with a social action component as part of the event). I started playing guitar a little over a year ago – my mom actually used it as an incentive to help me learn how to sing the Torah – and my passion is classic rock so I played lots of covers, like Joan Jett’s I Love Rock ‘n Roll, which is my favorite song in the world right now, and Celebrity Skin by Hole.

I donated the money I raised to Girls Rock Campaign Boston, which runs a camp I went to last summer. It’s pretty open, so you can be trans and non-conforming, and there were lots of women there who were strong and powerful and also super musically talented, kind of like Joan Jett. I actually met her last September. My dad took me to see her concert for my birthday and we went to the back of building and she rolled out of a car and said hello to everybody. It was the best moment ever. She’s definitely an inspiration for me.

For my B mitzvah, I wore a blue suit and a silver tie with black boots that were like rip-off Doc Martens, but fancier. I looked sharp. And I wore a tallit [prayer shawl] that had rainbows on the ends, with lots of rock‘n’roll patches and Joan Jett on the back – we went to this sewing place and the guy printed out a picture of her on fabric that we sewed on.

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For the party, my sister got to put some songs in the playlist so there some music by people like Lizzo. I like Lizzo, too. I love a boss. And there was a lot of classic rock. It was a big dance party. Afterward, I was happy and tired but also a little sad that it was over. I had so much fun.

I was the first person at my synagogue to have B mitzvah. If I had been forced to have a bat mitzvah I wouldn’t have wanted it as much. It would have felt like I was just going through the motions. I wouldn’t have been able to be myself as it was happening.

My dad asked me how I’d have responded if I’d had to wear a dress. I don’t even want to go there. I would have cancelled the entire thing. I do not wear dresses.