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I can reach orgasm masturbating to erotica, but not with a partner

Pamela Stephenson Connolly
<span>Composite: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Guardian Design</span>
Composite: Getty Images/iStockphoto/Guardian Design

I am a woman in my early 20s and have had a few sexual partners, with one longer-term on-off relationship (in which I had my first sexual experiences). My mother never spoke to me about masturbation, which I began experimenting with, well before any sexual activity, after reading about erotic fiction websites in a women’s magazine in my teens. I am worried my use of erotica may be affecting my ability to orgasm during sex. While I masturbate (successfully) regularly, I have only reached orgasm once with a partner. I know my own body, but am unable to translate this into sex, possibly due to my own insecurities from my teens. What can I do? I am worried about having unsatisfying sex for ever.

There is nothing to be concerned about; everything you have described is completely normative. Using erotica is not a problem – in fact, it most likely helped you to fire your own erotic imagination and learn how your body works. Your task now is to go through the process of teaching partners how to please you. This might mean simply guiding them verbally – or perhaps physically guiding their hands or mouths. Many people erroneously imagine it is easy to switch between masturbation and sex with someone else, usually because they expect partners to read their minds. But satisfying sex requires communication; patiently helping your partner to know and do exactly what you want, and fully reciprocating. And relax – it takes time to learn the arts of giving and receiving.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms

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