Is It Retroactive Jealousy, or Straight-Up Sexism?
When Alice, 26, met her ex-boyfriend at university, she was coming off the back of a string of one-night stands. Her ex, on the other hand, was more of a relationship or consistent friends-with-benefits type, and soon became obsessed with why Alice had “slept around” before meeting him. “Obviously, no answer was good enough,” she recalls. “He once said he felt embarrassed to be seen with me around campus because I had a reputation.” Throughout the relationship, Alice was “forbidden” from seeing past flings; her boyfriend even once advised her, if they broke up, to not to tell any future partners about her past as it was likely to hinder her chances with them.
On the surface, Alice’s ex had what looked to be a case of so-called ‘Rebecca Syndrome’, so named after Daphne Du Maurier’s 1983 novel Rebecca, in which a woman becomes haunted by the legacy of her husband’s ex-wife. Another name for it, used more commonly among psychologists, is retroactive jealousy. “Retroactive jealousy is when someone becomes preoccupied with their partner’s past romantic relationships or experience,” explains clinical psychologist Elena Touroni. Usually stemming from low self-worth, Rebecca Syndrome can cause people to become obsessed with their partner’s exes, checking their social media profiles, wondering who they are and what they’re like. Or they might internalize the jealousy, becoming insecure and seeking reassurance.
For people dealing with retroactive jealousy, Touroni says “it can feel overwhelming, as thoughts of their partner’s history take up more and more mental space”. She adds: “Rather than enjoying the present connection, a person with retroactive jealousy often revisits and analyzes details about their partner’s past relationships, sometimes obsessively.” This can lead to a difficult-to-break cycle of worry and reassurance-seeking and can even develop into OCD.
However, for some, jealousy may be less about low self-esteem and instead rooted in something more sinister. While Alice believes her partner’s comments had a variety of roots, “it definitely felt sexist”. A glance at the r/RetroactiveJealousy subreddit, which has 17k members at the time of writing, supports Alice’s theory, revealing an undercurrent of misogyny.
One man, who seems genuinely repentant, wrote that he couldn’t stop thinking about the “couple of hook-ups” his current partner had before she met him, which unfortunately ended in her getting ghosted. “[Finding out] felt like a punch in the gut and I felt extreme disgust, anger, and disappointment,” he wrote. “All of a sudden I felt alienated from her. She said she was very lonely at that time, but felt hurt and used.” He goes on to say he never saw his partner exhibiting any “hoe behaviour” and that she was always “very kind, honest, and inspiring”, but he can’t stop obsessing about the hook-ups. “I feel more angry [towards] the guys that used her as a piece of meat and lied to her, but also [at] her for choosing to have sex so easily,” he wrote.
Another person complained that his partner had taken too long to become sexual with him, despite moving quickly with previous partners. “I would be understanding of waiting,” he wrote. “My stance is that stuff like that should be saved for a serious relationship and for someone who you really are connected to. But I feel kinda done dirty when she gave it to others so quickly but made me ‘wait’.” Worryingly, some people in the comments reinforced his thinking: “Why would you settle for that kind of woman? Gave herself quickly and easily to others but makes you wait? Brother, my condolences if you stay with her.” Another man justified cheating due to his partner’s past one-night stand, and a woman said that her partner told her he was “so ashamed that I am his GF” because she had a few flings before meeting him.
While it wouldn’t be fair to suggest that everyone experiencing retroactive jealousy has beliefs rooted in sexism — and that women can’t exhibit equally toxic standards — the sexist undertones of these posts are undeniable. Comments about women being less valuable due to their sexual history are abundant, as are men criticizing their partners for being “promiscuous”. This isn’t just happening in some relatively small community on Reddit, either.
Celebs have been discussing it, too. Olivia Rodrigo wrote a whole song about being obsessed with her partner’s ex. While on their podcast, He Said, She Said, former Made in Chelsea stars Louise Thompson and Ryan Libbey discussed how they never talk about their ex-relationships. Thompson noted how she had no idea how many people her husband has slept with or even dated, stating: “Ryan has never been okay with talking about exes.” Libbey said it was down to his “fierce loyalty”, and not wanting to make his wife feel like he was drifting off into memories of his exes. “If you were to do that to me, it would make me feel uneasy,” he said. While Thompson is okay with this now, she did say that there was still so much she didn’t know about her husband of eight years. People on social media, meanwhile, accused Libbey of being insecure, problematic, and a red flag.
Regressive conversations about women being ‘worth less’ if they have a higher ‘body count’ have also been prolific online over the last couple of years, with the topic regularly at the center of TikTok vox pop debates and being espoused by manosphere figureheads.
Of course, none of these views are new. In fact, they’re very, very old. As Beth Ashley, author of Sluts: The truth about slutshaming and what we can do to fight it, tells Cosmopolitan UK, society has “long been invested” in controlling female sexuality. “Historically, women’s sexual behaviour was tied to their perceived value in systems that prioritized male power and lineage,” she says. “Virginity was seen as a commodity — a symbol of purity and a guarantee of loyalty — especially in cultures where inheritance and paternity were central to social and economic order.” These views, while archaic, have been reinforced by religious and other institutions, such as media, advertising, and education, which is why they persist today.
It’s no secret that misogyny is rampant today, with young men more likely than Baby Boomers to say feminism has done more harm than good to society. Ashley says this is a clear backlash to the success of some feminist and sex-positive movements. “Feminism challenges traditional gender roles and rejects the idea that women’s worth is tied to their sexuality, while sex positivity encourages women to embrace and celebrate their sexual autonomy,” she says. “Both movements disrupt the patriarchal status quo, which provokes resistance from those who feel threatened by this shift.”
And nowhere is this more rampant than online, where echo chambers and the prioritization of sensationalist content allow misogynistic views to go unchecked. “These digital spaces provide a haven for people to connect over shared insecurities about changing gender dynamics, creating a feedback loop that normalizes regressive attitudes,” says Ashley.
Touroni agrees that sexism can play a role in retroactive jealousy. “Women are often judged more harshly for their romantic history than men, leading to painful feelings of shame or regret over past relationships,” she says. “This dynamic can fuel retroactive jealousy by layering insecurities with social expectations, particularly if one partner’s view of the other’s past is shaped by stereotypes.” The difference between genuine retroactive jealousy and sexism lies in the beliefs underpinning the jealousy. “If someone’s jealousy is tied to rigid gender expectations, or reflects a belief that a partner’s past experiences are inherently lesser or problematic based on gender, that could point to sexist beliefs rather than just jealousy,” says Touroni. “The key difference is the underlying attitudes — retroactive jealousy tends to be more about personal insecurity, while sexism is about broader societal biases.”
It’s hard enough for women to come up against misogyny online and in the media every day, let alone from their romantic partners. Alice says she began to internalize her ex’s jealousy — something Ashley says is a common consequence of slut-shaming. “I used to think I’d struggle to find someone who wanted something committed if I ever mentioned I’d slept around in the past,” Alice explains. “I thought I’d completely got over that, but the topic of body counts recently came up with the guy I’m dating now and it made me realize I still have lots of anxiety over it.” Although she continues to be honest, Alice believes her past relationship left her with some “abandonment issues”. “I constantly feel as though I’m going to drive people away if I’m ‘too’ honest,” she says.
Thankfully, Alice has had nothing but good experiences when sharing her past with new partners and sees now how her ex was “emotionally blackmailing” her. “I’ve had a lot of therapy since then, and I now make a point to tell every one of my new partners about my past,” she says. “It means I can actually talk about what I like when it comes to sex because my previous experience isn’t some extreme taboo, and I feel a lot more authentic.”
If you struggle to think of your partner’s past without feeling a pang of insecurity, it doesn’t mean you’re evil or sexist. As Touroni says, on a low level, it’s completely natural to feel this way. Still, it’s important to recognize that everyone has a past — including yourself — and that it doesn’t diminish your relationship. To work through the jealousy, Touroni suggests “building trust and deepening your emotional connection in the present, rather than dwelling on the past”.
“Talking openly about your feelings, with empathy and without judgement, can help,” she adds. “Practicing self-compassion is also key — remind yourself that it’s okay to feel discomfort, but it doesn’t mean you’re not capable of moving past it.”
If, like Alice, you’re on the receiving end of a partner’s retroactive jealousy, and believe it’s something you want to work through, try leading with compassion. “Acknowledge [your partner’s] feelings without dismissing them, but gently remind them that these aspects of your life are important to you and not a threat to the relationship,” says Touroni. “Clear communication about boundaries and reassurance that you’re committed to the relationship can help.”
“Sometimes, jealousy stems from insecurities or fears of inadequacy,” Touroni concludes, “so offering support and empathy while encouraging healthy ways of coping with those feelings can foster trust and reduce tension.”
You Might Also Like
