Is It Rude If Your Dinner Party Host Didn't Open The Bottle Of Wine You Brought?
When visiting a friend’s house for dinner or a party, it’s a common tradition to bring a gift for the host. This might be a bouquet of flowers, a scented candle or even a bottle of wine. But sometimes, a gifted item of food or drink can cause miscommunication between hosts and guests.
For instance, if a host thanks their guest for bringing a bottle of wine, but it never appears on the communal bar or dinner table, does that mean the host isn’t happy with the gift?
What are the rules and guidelines around edible and drinkable gifts, and how can hosts clearly communicate their expectations? To answer these questions, we turned to a group of modern etiquette experts and event professionals.
Serving or not serving gifted items is totally up to the host.
The first thing to remember about bringing a gift to a party is that, once given, the gift becomes the sole property of the host, and what happens to it is up to them.
“Host gifts, whether it is a bottle of wine, a handmade food item or a box of candy, are not expected to be opened and offered at the gathering unless the guest and host have discussed it and agreed to do so,” confirmed Renate Devin, the owner of the Boston School of Etiquette.
Jamila Musayeva, a certified etiquette coach and the author of “The Art of Entertaining at Home,” agreed, adding that “when you bring a bottle of wine, homemade cookies or any edible item as a gift, it’s thoughtful to remember that this is a gesture of appreciation, not an expectation for it to be served immediately. Hosts usually have planned their menu and wine selection, so a well-chosen gift is best viewed as something for them to enjoy later, unless they specifically ask you to contribute to the party offerings. It is up to the host to serve or open what the guest has brought because the host is in charge of planning the menu and deciding how and what to serve — particularly pairing of beverages with food.”
So if your friend doesn’t open the bottle of pinot noir that you brought to dinner, don’t take it personally. They’re likely planning to save it for another time!
The host should communicate whether guests are expected to contribute a dish or drink to the party.
Sit-down dinner events and potluck dinners abide by specific rules, but many house parties fall into a nebulous middle ground. Food will be served and the host is planning to provide the mains, but if a guest wants to contribute a side dish or a dessert (or a bottle of vino), the addition is often encouraged.
As a host, providing clear communication can chase away any doubts or misunderstandings about what a guest should bring, or whether they should bring something at all.
“If a host has thoughts or opinions on what guests should bring, they should communicate the expectation in advance,” suggested Melissa Ben-Ishay, the founder and CEO of the company Baked by Melissa. “Oftentimes, when my own guests ask what they can bring, I give them a category. Bring dessert, or bring an adult beverage — this helps the host weave these things into the serving plan.”
You can even be more specific with your guests about which items would be helpful for the meal, said Christine Schaub, the host of “Come on Over,” a web series that is available on YouTube and focuses on home entertaining. Schaub said that such a conversation might go like this: “A pinot grigio would pair beautifully with the salad course. Would you like to bring a bottle?” Then, if the guest asks “for a suggested vintner, be ready with affordable suggestions,” she added.
And if a guest shows up at your door with a gift but you’re not sure whether it’s intended to be shared at the party, Schaub said that you can pick up on some clues from the presentation. “If a beverage arrives in a gift bag, it is truly a gift — not a shareable,” she advised, noting that the same goes for food items.“It’s entirely up to the host whether to serve or save it for another time. If a beverage arrives hot or chilled (in an insulated tote), that’s your tip that [it was intended to] ... be served.”
It might seem tacky to include details about gifts in an invitation (since you as the host may not want guests to think that you expect a present), but Musayeva said there’s a way to express your preferred policy without seeming like a gift-grubber.
“If you’re hosting and prefer not to incorporate gifts into the event’s refreshments, feel free to mention it in a warm and subtle way ahead of time,” Musayeva suggested. “A quick message like ‘Looking forward to seeing everyone! Your presence is the best gift, but if you do bring something special, I’d love to enjoy it later on my own’ makes it clear without any pressure.”
Guests can also take the initiative to ask whether they should bring something.
Hosts have a lot of elements to juggle when preparing for a dinner or a party, so invitation details can sometimes fall by the wayside. If you receive an invite but still aren’t sure whether to bring a dish or a drink, don’t hesitate to shoot the host a quick text message or email.
“It is recommended to ask the host beforehand if one can contribute in any way to the party and what would be most suitable,” Musayeva pointed out. “Perhaps extra portions of cookies or fruits would be appreciated, or beverages. If that is the case, then it is acceptable to assume the host will serve what you brought.”
If you want to give an edible gift while avoiding ambiguity, stay clear of baked goods and wine.
Since gifts like wine and cookie platters could go either way in a “to serve immediately or not?” debate, you might consider a different option to prevent the host from wondering if your offering is meant to be shared.
Shannon Smith, a Tulsa, Oklahoma-based private chef and the author of “The Hidden Table,” said possible food and drink gifts may include “gourmet olive oil or balsamic vinegar, artisan chocolates, or infused sea salts or seasonings.” On a similar note, Ben-Ishay said that she likes to “make homemade vanilla extract a year in advance and use that as a gift to bring [to parties]. It always feels extra special when it’s homemade.”
Musayeva noted that “when choosing a gift for a host, keeping their dietary preferences or alcohol choices in mind shows true thoughtfulness. Always bear in mind the religious/cultural background of the host, as alcoholic beverages and foods containing pork or cow meat might not be acceptable.”
A ‘no takebacks’ or ‘no givebacks’ policy always applies to party gifts.
Say a guest brings a bottle of wine to your dinner party, but you already have beverages mapped out for the night. If you’re tempted to hand the bottle back to your guest as they’re leaving, stop right there.
“It would be rude of the host to even attempt to give it back,” said August Abbott, an etiquette expert with the website JustAnswer. “This is a very, very common mistake.” Keep that bottle for later enjoyment (or regifting), but sending it back with the guest who presented it could be viewed as insulting.
By the same token, the experts agreed that guests should never expect their host to return a food item or beverage that was brought to the party either as a shareable contribution or as a gift. An exception to this rule involves servingware; if a guest brings a batch of cookies on a decorative holiday platter, the host should always offer to wash and return the platter at the end of the evening. If the guest tells you to keep the platter, great! Otherwise, move the leftover cookies onto one of your own plates and hand the platter back to your guest before they leave.
