Can Tiger Parenting Help Your Child Get Ahead?
Amy Chua coined the term "Tiger Mom" in her book, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, in 2011.
Since then, it's been used to describe a parenting style that uses harsh tactics like fear and shame, but also one that prioritizes familial closeness.
Studies show tiger parenting has different outcomes, depending on cultural factors.
The term "Tiger Mom" burst onto the scene in 2011 when Amy Chua, a Yale law professor and mother of two daughters, published a book about her parenting style called The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. In it, she ascribes tiger parenting to Chinese parents (though she admits she uses the terms "Chinese" and "Western" loosely — and, really, anybody can adopt this style).
"Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment," she writes in her book, which was excerpted by the Wall Street Journal. "By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away."
While some find Chua's methods extreme — she once told her 4-year-old daughter to re-do a handmade birthday card because it didn't meet her standards — others say there's a lot of warmth as well, and that the high expectations produce results. But what do the experts say?
What is a Tiger parent?
"The term has its positives and negatives," says Kim Parker, LCSW, author of East Meets West: Parenting from the Best of Both Worlds. "But it's usually used by Asian Americans to describe their immigrant moms or dads who are highly involved, motivated by love, and use coercive tactics — there's not too much positive parenting — to raise their kids toward their definition of success."
"Tiger parenting is based in Asian values of independence and emphasizes creating a strong and committed relationship between parent and child," says Hazel Rose Markus, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Stanford University and co-author of the study "My Mother and Me: Why Tiger Mothers Motivate Asian Americans But Not European Americans."
"Parents in Asian and Asian American contexts often direct children to recognize their fundamental connectedness to others, especially parents and their obligation to them," she adds. "One of the most important obligations is to become an educated person, so you can provide for the family and contribute to society. Being a good child means living up to parental expectations."
To Westerners, this style can seem pretty rigorous. "A tiger parent sets extremely high goals for his or her child, usually academic, and drives the child relentlessly to achieve these goals," says Jenny Grant Rankin, Ph.D., educator and author of Sharing Your Education Expertise with the World. "Once each goal is reached, another is immediately set, so there is no break from the parent's demands."
Tiger parenting may sound authoritarian, but there's also a lot of love.
Tiger parenting, with its emphasis on obligation to the family and reaching high standards, may seem too authoritarian but that's not exactly the case. Kids are highly supported in this method of parenting. "Parents sit with the child and work on homework, making sure the child understands the problems," Dr. Markus says. "They convey to their children that even if they don't understand the problem at first, with much more practice, they will get it. They help their children understand they are strong and have the ability."
Su Yeong Kim, Ph.D., co-author of the study "Does Tiger Parenting Exist?" and professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas at Austin, studied the parenting style, and found it high in one factor that was missing in other parenting styles: Shaming. "Supportive parents showed higher levels of shaming than easygoing parents, suggesting that a moderate level of shaming may be an important component of being a supportive and successful parent among Chinese Americans."
But while tiger parents rank high in shaming, they rank high in warmth as well. "'Authoritarian parenting' generally has a negative connotation, like the parent is the ruthless dictator, using a 'my way or the highway' or 'children are to be seen not heard' approach," Parker says. "Tiger parenting utilizes some traits of authoritarians, but it can also involve parental sacrifice rooted in selfless love for the child."
The benefits and drawbacks of tiger parenting may not be the same in all families.
Before you start demanding more elaborate birthday cards from your kids, know that your children may not respond well to tiger parenting. "Studies show that tiger parenting can be effective for Asian and Asian American students, but not for Americans," says Dr. Markus. "In one study, Asian Americans students were asked to think about their mothers following a failure to solve a problem. These students showed higher levels of motivation than when they thought about themselves. In contrast, American students in families with European backgrounds demonstrated lower levels of motivation when they thought about their mothers."
The positive results for Asian Americans, however, come with a price: "Students with tiger parents show a paradoxical pattern of both higher distress coupled with high achievement," Dr. Kim explains.
And other kids don't take to tiger parenting at all, resulting in the opposite of what was intended. "Anytime a child — especially a teenager — loses a sense of control or a sense of agency, it has a really a dramatic effect on their motivation, which will affect their outcomes related to academics," says Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness. "If you try to externally motivate them with threats or bribes or any controlling parenting style, their self-motivation will falter."
"These children can also experience the anxiety and other downsides of a high-stress environment," Dr. Rankin says. "Such pressure is unsustainable, and these children can rebel later in life — giving up healthy goals entirely — when they reach an age where independence is possible."
But in some families, the close bond of tiger parenting can mitigate some of those alienating factors. "Studies show parental love and sacrifice, delivered in a warm relationship with the child, can trump any childhood resentment and shame," Parker says.
In the end, Chua's children turned out just fine. "As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that my mom and I are increasingly similar," Chua's younger daughter, Lulu, told Slate. "I think I’ve really absorbed a lot of her values. My mom loves to pass on these little tidbits of knowledge, and I find myself giving them to my friends now in a very mothering way."
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