Why Do I Revert Back to My Moody Teenage Self Whenever I’m Around My Family?
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Hello, full-grown adult who is not at all anxious about visiting family over the holidays. Because why would you be? You’re a perfectly capable person who’s smart and successful and can handle anything thrown your way. Until your mom gives you that look. Or your brother takes that tone with you. Or your dad says that thing that makes you flip out and suddenly you’re 17 again, lashing out because your family “doesn’t get you and never will!”
Regressing into an angsty teenage version of yourself is, frustratingly, a very normal reaction to being around the people you grew up with. “This is such a common problem,” Mariam Hager, LCSW, New York City–based therapist and founder of Heart Mind Soul Practice, tells SELF. “Family dynamics are really hard, so give yourself a little grace.”
Being kinder to yourself can definitely help but, listen, we’re only human, so you may need to be a bit more strategic if you want to avoid losing your shit. To that end, we asked experts to break down why hanging with your nuclear crew can be so maddening—and how you can remain (relatively) cool, calm, and collected when you start feeling like a misunderstood high schooler.
Why do you feel like an angsty teen again around your family?
According to research on interpersonal dynamics, every person in a family unit has an assigned role, whether they like it or not, Alex Oliver-Gans, LMFT, a therapist with a private practice in San Francisco, tells SELF. Maybe, as a kid, you were the caregiver, peacekeeper, or rebel of the group. Even if you moved out and eventually differentiated yourself, relatives may continue to see you in this very specific way. “They almost typecast you,” Oliver-Gans says. (Hi from the too-sensitive youngest kid in the fam).
When you’re around people who still treat you like, say, the troublemaker or perfectionist, there’s a clash between who you were then and who you are now that can be really destabilizing. “You might feel like you’ve grown past the person you were once expected to be and, all of a sudden, there’s this pressure for you to fulfill a role you used to have,” Oliver-Gans explains. For example, when anyone in my family tells me I’m “just being sensitive,” I lose my mind.
As a result, old dynamics may bubble up, causing you to behave in an immature way—especially if your family is still dealing with unresolved conflict, Hager says. For example, you might want to cry if, after all these years, it still feels like your older sister, the golden child, gets preferential treatment. Or you might snap at your mom when she makes a comment about dieting, despite knowing that you struggled with your body image your whole life.
There are other factors that can cause you to backpedal emotionally too, Oliver-Gans adds. Your parents might treat you like a child, or your siblings might tease you in a way that targets your long-lasting insecurities only they know about. These interactions carry a lot of weight and history, he explains, so of course they can set you off.
How to stay calm-ish when you start reverting back to your high school self
Plan to take little breaks throughout your time together.
During your visit, it’s crucial to get some space from your family. It might seem unnatural at first, especially if you’re accustomed to being with these people 24/7 when you’re together, but stepping away can help you cool down and put things in perspective if you’re on edge, Hager says. Getting out will also remind you that you’re an adult who has control over your time and environment, Oliver-Gans adds.
So go for a walk, jog, or bike ride. If you have a car or access to public transportation, check out a nearby coffee shop, park, or boutique. If you can’t physically leave, find ways to squeeze in micro-breaks at home—go to the bathroom even if you don’t need to, fake a nap, or do a household chore that can take your mind off, say, your mom’s incessant critiques.
Another tip from Hager: A few days before your plans, give your fam a heads up that you’re going to step out for an hour or two to run in the park or stop by a shop you’ve been wanting to check out. That way, you’ll have a boundary in place before you meet up, and your relatives will be less likely to question why you’re leaving when you excuse yourself, Hager says.
Tap into your senses when you start to feel agitated.
If, for example, you’re setting the table for dinner and your aunt says something passive-aggressive about your dating life because, well, that’s what she’s always done, that’s a good time to practice a quick grounding technique. These mindfulness exercises can interrupt your anxious thoughts and help you feel calmer when you’re overwhelmed.
One such practice Hager recommends: Bringing your full attention to your senses by scanning your environment and identifying one thing you can see, smell, touch, taste, and hear (that is not your mom’s voice). Do this for a few minutes and really reflect on each sense—what does the wind howling outside sound like? Is it loud or quiet? High- or low-pitched? What about the food in the oven? Does it smell sweet or savory, or, perhaps, burnt (let’s hope not)? Deep breathing is another well-known relaxation tactic, and experts often specifically recommend box breathing (inhale, hold, and exhale for four seconds each) and the 4-7-8 strategy (inhale for four seconds, hold for seven, release for eight).
The idea: Shifting your focus to your body and away from your mind can prevent you from spiraling or stewing. “Grounding is a way to separate from whatever anxious thoughts are in your head, or that awful look your mom gave you, and bring you back to the present moment and what’s around you,” Hager explains.
Remember what you enjoy about your family members.
When your family triggers you, it’s easy to focus on all their irritating qualities (because, hello, they are being impossible!). And while that might be totally valid, fuming about your mom’s or dad’s shortcomings will likely trap you in a bad mood.
If you’re out to dinner with your parents and start to get worked up, pause and reflect on a couple of things you like about them, Hager suggests. Sure, maybe your mom has a way of talking over you that makes you want to pull your hair out, but she (most likely) isn’t 100% terrible. Practice a little gratitude by focusing on, say, how she always picks up your calls, no matter what time of day it is, or that she’s given you some pretty great advice over the years. You can simply think about this person’s positive qualities in the moment, or, if you have some time later on, jot them down in a note on your phone or a journal so you can revisit them whenever you get pissed off.
Reminding yourself of your loved one’s best traits can interrupt the negativity swirling around your head, which should help you feel a bit less angsty, Hager says. Plus, it’ll help you see and accept them as a human, flaws and all, Oliver-Gans adds. Sure they’re not perfect (who is?) but you know what? They might not be so bad to hang out with—at least for a couple days.
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Originally Appeared on Self
