17 Secrets Men Keep Hidden From Their Spouses And Will Never, Ever, EVERRRR Release From The Vault
Recently Reddit user Teen_dream91 asked the men of the community, "What, if anything, are you unable to share fully, openly, and honestly about yourself with your spouse?"
Married men didn't hold anything back, and revealed some pretty deep truths they keep hidden from their significant others.
So, here are some things men refuse to confess to their spouses:
Note: Some submissions include topics of suicide. Please proceed with caution.
1."Most of my anxieties and insecurities. I learned long ago that the only thing stopping her from 'spiraling' is that she thinks I have a handle on everything. If she panics and I panic with her, she'll go right past panic into full-on 'hysteria.'"
"On the rare occasion I share my feelings, particularly something I'm not happy about in our relationship, I instantly regret it. I don't know how much is ingrained in her personality, but she can't handle it.
I'm a pretty stoic guy in general, so 99% of the time, I'm fine with 'suck it up' as my strategy for adversity. But sometimes, I get a glimpse into someone else's relationship where there is more emotional openness, and I realize what I'm missing.
After decades, I'm resigned to the fact that it just is what it is."
2."How sad our sexual situation makes me. She knows I’m not satisfied with it, but I don’t think she realizes how much it depresses me. I’m reluctant to tell her because I don’t see any good outcome from doing so. There seems to be no point in saying that I keep coming to bed hopeful night after night, only to feel miserable when she turns off the light and says, 'Goodnight' and drifts off to sleep. We had a talk about it 10 years ago, and the upshot was that she had no interest in having sex more often than we were. Our frequency has dropped more since then."
"I've accepted that that’s how it is because I don’t want to pressure her to have sex when she doesn’t want to. Nothing good could result from that. So, I never initiate (and talking about it would be one more form of unwelcome pressure). I continue not to share my feelings with her."
"I left my marriage because of this. Lack of intimacy brings about so much emotional damage. You don’t feel loved, and you envision yourself with other people because of it. I'm currently with my new girlfriend and her libido is sky-high compared to mine. We just had a son, so it’s slowed down a bit, but I’m not complaining."
3."My wife tells me things she's unhappy about with me and expects me to take it and work on improving. But the second I mention something about things I'd like her to work on, it's flipped around to make her the 'victim' and I'm the one who's really at fault. I stopped communicating that way to her, and then she's upset about that. I can't fucking win."
4."I can't tell her how I feel about everything that involves her parents because, in her eyes, her parents feel more like family to her than me. I also can't tell her how much of a hypocrite she is. I confronted her a few times with the approach that we could solve our problems, but she turned it around and used it against me. Our son is six months old — I don't want him to grow up without a father."
5."When I was married, I had suicidal ideations frequently. When I was in the bathroom for more than 10 minutes, I was crying my eyes out, trying to hold myself together. Crying in front of her got me an earful of grief about not being 'a real man.' So, I did my crying in the bathroom."
"Also, when I was a stay-at-home dad, we had a two-year-old and a newborn. I was struggling with keeping up with housework and cooking and all that. She didn't understand why it was so difficult.
One day she told me 'If I had hired you for this job, I would have fired you by now.' A couple of years later, when the kids were older, we switched and she stayed home. She eventually apologized for what she said to me. I said it was okay, but I never forgave her for that."
6."I’m scared of not being able to provide a half-decent life for her and my kids. Life’s getting so expensive and challenging."
"I definitely feel you, brother. I'm scared to even get married because I don't want to go into debt, just trying to put food on the table. I'm only 22, and even I can see significant changes from inflation."
7."While I love my spouse deeply, I struggle to share my childhood traumas. The memories are painful and sometimes I feel like shielding her from that darkness."
"Every once in a blue moon I’ll share something with my partner because the topic naturally comes up, and there's a look of horror on their face when I was simply sharing an experience. I forget that what I’ve become numb to isn’t always relatable to a lot of people."
8."Sometimes the things she says to me in arguments break my heart."
"I use, 'When you said X, I heard Y.' For example: 'When you said I don’t feel like having chicken again tonight, I heard I’m sick of your cooking, and 'Why can’t you make better meals?' Then you have the opportunity (or she does) to say, “Oh, hun, that isn’t what I meant at all…'
If you can both be honest and use this, you will end up having conversations that really help you understand each other’s state of mind at the moment, BEFORE it escalates to saying things that can’t be unheard."
9."My child (18 months) is legitimately well-behaved, compliant, and enjoyable to be around when she’s not in the home and it’s just me and him. But when she’s around, he’s combative, whiney, rude, and a little terror."
10."She's always in the way. If she's in the kitchen when I'm cooking, she's always standing in front of the next place I need to be. If I'm working outside, she's always in the next place I'm going to go. If I'm fixing something, she's always standing right in front of whatever I'm going to be working on next. If I'm trying to leave a room, she's always in the doorway. I realize she wants to spend time with me, but I really wish she'd just get out of the way when I'm doing something."
11."Literally anything that isn't within the realm of her personal interests. Otherwise, she clarifies that she's not interested in what interests me. Sometimes I do because I can't keep everything to myself forever, but it feels like a child bothering their parents talking about how cool their toys are."
"I feel this. Her eyes just start to glaze over, and I can see she's mentally checking out. I end the conversation and go do a chore or something. She doesn't ask questions or find gifts that align with my interests. However, and I'm probably a little bitter, I'm expected to be engaged with her interests and pay attention to the little things, or else she will not feel like I'm bonding with her. It's a little maddening."
12."When she says she feels like I'm not listening, it's because I'm not. I told her how to solve a certain problem in five minutes with no downsides last week, and I've heard about it enough times that I don't have to listen. I know the next six sentences she's going to say word for word right down to the hand gestures and facial expression."
"I'm very abundantly aware that sometimes she just wants to be heard. What I'm saying is how many times do I have to hear the exact same thing that could easily be solved in five minutes before I'm allowed to suggest something if it bothers her so much?"
13."Deep down, I really just want to be lazy. I don’t want to go to work, cook, change the bedding every week, or find part-time income streams. In my heart, I just want to lounge about, get a bit drunk, and read books or watch YouTube videos. I do as much as possible so that she’s comfortable and happy, but I don’t want to admit that I don’t really WANT to do anything useful."
"I feel this one. What is wrong with me that I largely only feel any gratification when I’m doing things that are completely unproductive, and everything else feels like an imposition? I wish I could get even a modicum of satisfaction from completing a project around the house, running an errand, or cleaning. I’m only happy when I’m sitting on my ass."
14."That she almost ended the relationship. It took years for me to forgive her when she said, 'You’re not a parent, so you don’t know.' I spent years raising her children as my own."
15."The fact that she won't let me put any of my 'hobby toys' (mostly miniatures and random knickknacks) in our shared spaces without it being in an 'approved' location. Meanwhile, the entire house is her canvas for her aesthetic. It makes me feel really lonely and small sometimes, and she doesn't care. It's been a topic of conversation — she just doesn't get that delegating me a tiny shelf isn't the same as letting me actually decorate some."
16."When she wants to go out with her girlfriends or away overnight with some friends, she thinks I’m upset I’m not included. In reality, I’m praising the lord for a day or two alone."
"I look forward to the once-a-month, 'I want to go hang out with my friend Sarah' 'Awww shucks, I guess I’ll go play cards' conversation.
I’d go play cards once a week if I could!"
17.And finally, "We've both been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few months since we've both been sick with the flu. It's some of the best sleep I've had since she started snoring super loud many years ago. Once we recover, I don't know if I want to sleep together again."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
