20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (July 16-22)

Kelsey Borresen
·4 min read

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.

Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

My wife's signature move is insisting we split a dinner entree and then complaining she's hungry for the rest of the night

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 20, 2024 ">

My sweet husband who means well but often says the most awkward things to people told a straight couple we know tonight "I'm not personally interested, but you guys would be a real swingers' catch."

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 19, 2024 ">

Wife: I feel like we should pay closer attention to our finances

Me: not now babe, I’m talking to Jurassic Park about buying a dinosaur from Isla Sorna

— Adam (@YSylon) July 21, 2024 ">

Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 21, 2024 ">

My husband texted me to send him links of the things I want for Prime Day.

Who said romance is dead after 25 years of marriage?

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 16, 2024 ">

I just confidently bet my husband $20 that Janice in Friends was played by Fran Drescher and long story short I’m now explaining the Mandala Effect but from an idiot’s standpoint to save $20 can someone pls edit the imdb page while I’m running this con? tia

— RebeccaWatson@bsky.social why not (@rebeccawatson) July 16, 2024 ">

The audacity of my husband to fall asleep when I’ve got memes to show him from my side of the bed

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 19, 2024 ">

hello sharks I have this great idea where a husband gets sick but without the drama

Mark Cuban: for that reason, I’m out

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) July 22, 2024 ">

Packing for a week away, house is a mess, can’t find my kids’ shoe, Taxi arrives.

Husband: I’m going to shave.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 17, 2024 ">

It’s 100° outside but don’t worry guys, my wife just lit a fall scented candle.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 18, 2024 ">

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you, cutie pie!
Husband: *sneezes*
Me: Eww! You’re gross.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 19, 2024 ">

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 19, 2024 ">

Ugh. My husband keeps scheduling activities for us. With other people.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) July 20, 2024 ">

From the man who brought you "What's for dinner?" and "I'll fix that soon" comes his latest hits "I'll just be a minute" and "I'll do it tomorrow."

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) July 18, 2024 ">

Wife just convinced daughter we couldn’t set up a camera to film the tooth fairy ‘because of GDPR’.

Handy being married to a compliance manager.

— Alistair Barrie (@AlistairBarrie) July 16, 2024 ">

No matter how tired I am I refuse to go to bed before my husband because that’s when he eats all the good snacks.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 22, 2024 ">

I'm not very punctual. My husband refers to me as his late wife.

— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) July 16, 2024 ">

People keep texting us the Matt Gaetz photo to ask my dermatologist husband's opinion and he just looked at it and said "oh no. Several mistakes were made here."

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 18, 2024 ">

Today, my husband learned that bras don’t go in the dryer. He'd tell you himself, but he's still locked out of the house.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2024 ">

Welcome to marriage. If you don’t have an open cabinet door to bump your head onto, one will be left open for you.

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) July 16, 2024 ">

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