28 "Silent Killers" In A Relationship That People Still Fail To Discuss Openly
Reddit user Bigbumcool asked, "What often destroys relationships but is hardly talked about?" Many people chimed in and shared what they consider silent killers in a relationship. Here's what they revealed:
1."The assumption that once you love someone, you will never fall for anyone else again. Some people might work like that, but most don't. Being in a committed, monogamous relationship means accepting that you won't be able to pursue future crushes. Your partner could catch feelings for other people, but you have to trust them not to act on those feelings."
2."Deliberately trying to make your partner jealous. Yes, we can see right through the 'I wasn't flirting, I was just being friendly!' act. No, it does not make us want you more. Stop it."
3."Different de-escalation techniques. If a conversation gets a little heated and one person's way of de-escalating is to walk away while the other person's is to point it out and ask for calm, it can cause problems."
4."Different sleeping habits. My boyfriend and I have always kept separate bedrooms; others have found this to be absolutely wild or amazing. We have different aesthetics, different sleep patterns, wildly different alarm times, and not to mention, I snore like a Mack truck. The few times we've had to share rooms, one or both of us ended up tired the next day and mad. We feel like having our own space has led us to want to spend time together in shared spaces and gives us an out whenever we need it; plus, it doesn't lead to any lingering resentment from lack of sleep."
5."Ignoring and disrespecting your partner's preferences, standards, and boundaries. If your partner has a reasonable request, like, 'I don't like it when you hide your phone from me and don't show me who you are talking to,' or 'I really don't like it that you still hang out with your ex,' and you continue to do it, that's a sign of disrespect. There's only so much disrespect a person can take."
6."Lack of fun. I know relationships aren't always easy. There's work to do, baggage to deal with, real-life issues, and differing goals. But dang, what's the point of going through the motions once the fun stops? At such a point, you can just do it solo."
7."Comprehension. It's easy (for some, not all) to communicate what you are feeling, but if your partner doesn't understand or try to, it doesn't help with the progression of the expressed issue. In my opinion, it's important to be understood. Obviously, I want my partner to communicate with me, but I want to understand and be understood."
8."I don't think people really realize how much of a strain having kids can put on a relationship unless you really are working as a team. Sleep deprivation alone is enough to make anyone feel snappy. If one of you gets significantly more sleep than the other, resentment can build up. Moms often feel like they've lost their identity while, for the most part, the dads' lives don't change all that much. They go out to work almost straight away, and they can still go out or see their friends without too much forward planning. Then, being at home alone with a baby all day while your husband works can create feelings of loneliness and jealousy."
"Moms often become the default parent if their kids need to be out of school for an illness or school holidays. They're often left to carry the mental load of the day-to-day things and act as the household manager since their husbands only do things after being asked, like taking out the rubbish, cleaning up, etc. Fortunately, my husband and I have been a team since day one and always split the night feeds. I also had a lot of friends and family nearby, so my baby and I could spend time with them. Being in lockdown during my maternity leave was a blessing because my husband was there during the day to give me a break if needed. And we've always tried to have nights off with just the two of us, either for an evening or a night away if we can manage a babysitter."
9."The fear of missing out. I've seen and heard about so many people who torpedo relationships that could have lasted a lifetime because of 'self-discovery,' getting jealous of a single friend's adventure, or wanting more experiences. All the while, they were living the life so many would kill to have. Spoiler alert: Not one person I knew who did this didn't seriously regret it. They all agreed it absolutely was not worth it."
10."Lack of appreciation. When you stop noticing the little things your partner does, it can slowly erode the connection without anyone realizing it!"
11."Not assuming positive intent. While people can be malicious, that won't be the case if you've surrounded yourself with good people. The people closest to you don't want to hurt you. What can come across to you as patronizing, controlling, or even cruel can often be good intent executed badly. And often, even if it's really obvious to you, they might not even realize that they're controlling or patronizing and that those behaviors hurt you. By not assuming positive intent, you're already painting them as the bad guy, and by doing that, you're not getting the full story and certainly not solving the problem."
12."Loss of attraction and excitement over each other's bodies. There's so much focus and discussion about communication and so on. Waking up and slowly realizing you don't feel the slightest physical attraction towards your partner and that you are barely intimate with each other anymore, even though they are someone you love deeply, is horrible and sad. It keeps hurting for years after because you abandoned your best friend."
13."One factor that often destroys relationships but is rarely discussed is a lack of emotional intimacy. While people commonly focus on issues like communication, trust, or compatibility, the subtle erosion of emotional connection, where partners no longer feel understood, valued, or close to one another, can quietly but significantly undermine a relationship over time."
14."Silent resentment. Those unspoken grudges build up over time like dust bunnies under the bed, and one day, they just explode all over the place!"
15."Losing who either of you are. Sometimes, a partner will solely focus on or sacrifice for their partner (or kids) and lose their own personality and character to please or meet another person's needs. Then, they realize they aren't being true to themselves. That's why partners need time apart from each other and activities to do for themselves. I believe that's also where many midlife crises stem from."
16."Beating around the bush and making the other read between the lines. Just say it."
17."One of the biggest relationship destroyers we hardly talk about is complacency. When we stop putting in effort and start taking each other for granted, it can slowly erode the connection and spark that brought us together in the first place."
18."Spending too much time together. It's unhealthy not to have separate friends and hobbies. Time apart is important!"
19."Lack of motivation. Couples should always set goals and constantly seek to work towards something. The relationship will plateau without it, and you'll eventually drift apart."
20."Unspoken expectations, emotional invalidation, and digital distractions can subtly erode relationships over time."
21."Poor health and bad habits. People who don't take care of themselves also don't take care of their mind or their surroundings. If a person is apathetic to their own physical wellbeing, that will transfer to all aspects of their life."
22."Thinking chores are only one person's responsibility. Or, taking up chores that do not need daily work like lawn care or washing the car, but leaving cooking or cleaning, things that are needed every day, multiple times a day, to your partner. And people wonder why their partner stops initiating sex or intimacy."
23."Focusing on being right and winning the argument instead of solving the problem together."
24."Lying by omission, or leaving out details or pieces of information that any level-headed person would include, is the worst. I'd rather hear a difficult truth than find out about a dishonest account of things."
25."I think a mistake some people make is communicating without a plan, too. If I'm frustrated with something my S.O. does and I blurt out, 'Stop doing that! It's annoying me!' that's not a very good way to communicate. If something bothers me, I try to be open with my S.O. about it, but it usually takes a little while to really articulate why something is bothering me in a way that isn't just attacking or berating."
26."Lack of reciprocity. Actions speak louder than words. Showing someone you appreciate them is even more important than saying it."
27."Involving others, unnecessarily, in personal matters within the relationship."
28.And: "Regarding long-term relationships: priority and values. Suppose one person prioritizes their career while the other prioritizes the community they live in. In that case, that can cause conflict if a better job opportunity arises in a different city. Or, if one person places a lot of importance on family and wants to go to every cousin's wedding, but the other person doesn't feel the need to go to every family event they're invited to, that could cause conflict. These aren't dealbreakers and could most likely be addressed with communication, understanding, and compromise. However, they can often lead to breakups if people can't reconcile the things they care about in their lives with those they're in a relationship with."
What's another "silent killer" in relationships that people need to discuss more openly? Tell us in the comments or submit anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
