5 Little Ways to Practice Setting Boundaries If You’re a Recovering People Pleaser
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“Protect your peace!” “Put your own oxygen mask on first!” We’ve all heard this mental health advice countless times (and seen it pop up on our feeds via inspirational quote posts), and for good reason: Boundaries are an important form of self-care. Creating rules for what you will (and won’t) accept from other people—and drawing other emotional lines to, yes, protect your peace—keeps you and your relationships happy and healthy. But saying no isn’t always that simple, especially for recovering people pleasers.
It’s all too easy to reluctantly respond, “Sure!” to a friends trip you don’t want to go on (and frankly, can’t afford) because your pal won’t stop pleading with you, for instance, or regrettably agree to help your sweet neighbor move into their new house across town. The tendency to put other people before ourselves often stems from a fear of disappointing them, Annia Raja, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF.
You might worry, If I stand up for myself, they’ll be upset with me; if I do what they ask, they’ll like me more. As a result, you may push yourself to spend your time and energy doing things that drain you—to avoid conflict, perhaps, or earn someone’s approval. But suppressing your true feelings to appease others only sets you up for burnout, resentment, and unhappiness, Dr. Raja says.
Ultimately, the only person who can advocate for your best interest is you—and doing so doesn’t have to be scary or confrontational. If putting yourself first feels unfamiliar or “selfish” (it’s not!), consider giving these beginner-friendly tips a try.
1. Ask yourself: Do I really want to do this?
Before you agree to just stay friends with that date-gone-wrong, or insist “it’s fine” that your roommate used your eggs without asking, take a minute or two to check in with yourself: Are you actually down to stay in contact with that selfish jerk from Tinder—or are you just being “nice” to avoid the dreaded awkwardness? Do you truly not mind that your housemate used your groceries without your permission, or are you hesitant to bring it up because it might lead to a huge fight?
“People pleasers have usually learned to ignore their own feelings and preferences, so it can take time to reconnect with these aspects,” Shira Schuster, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Williamsburg Therapy Group in New York City, tells SELF. That’s where a moment of self-reflection can come in handy: Pausing to evaluate what you want (or don’t want) is a good start to figuring out whether you’re genuinely okay with something—or just trying to satisfy someone else.
2. Frame your “no” more positively.
After your little self-check-in, maybe you decide that you definitely don’t want to spend your Saturday camping in the dirty woods, say, or attend a concert of a singer you barely listen to. The next step, then, is figuring out how to be assertive about your choice—which can be especially tricky to do with someone you care about (like a clingy but well-intentioned friend or a slightly overbearing parent).
With loved ones in particular, you’ll want to speak up for yourself without coming across as inconsiderate, Dr. Raja says. If you’d rather stay with your family for five days instead of their proposed two weeks, for example, you could say something like, “I really appreciate the invite, but I can’t stay that long.” This is a win-win since it’s easier for them to accept (and for you to deliver) potentially disappointing news when you express it with gratitude.
Similarly, if your party-hard bestie is pressuring you to join a late-night bar crawl (even though you hate drinking), you could try a gentle but straightforward response, such as, “You’re so sweet for thinking of me, but I really can’t come tonight.” Or, “I’m not really into that, but I’m down to get brunch tomorrow morning if you want to hang out.” (An approach like this, Dr. Raja says, indicates that you’re willing to spend time with them—just on your own terms.)
Also, both experts strongly urge against wishy-washy responses like, “I’m not sure, but I can try.” “It’s best to be firm and clear from the get-go because making excuses or being vague can cause unnecessary confusion and undermine your attempt at setting boundaries,” Dr. Schuster says. “Remember: The message should be communicated kindly, but also unambiguously.”
3. Don’t forget about digital boundaries.
Even if you try your best to state your limits politely, “setting boundaries” can still feel like some big, dramatic announcement—and of course that sounds extremely daunting. Who wouldn’t be anxious about defending themselves from their intimidating boss? How could you not feel guilty telling a friend in distress that their late-night vent sessions are messing with your sleep?
In situations like these, digital boundaries can be a game-changing way to advocate for yourself without directly confronting someone (or talking to them at all). With the first example, instead of declaring to your manager that you’re logging off at 5 p.m. sharp (which might feel scary or cause tension), Dr. Raja suggests pausing email notifications after work hours. Even better, consider temporarily deleting apps like Gmail, Slack, and Teams on weekends to communicate that you’re prioritizing work-life balance—without directly saying so.
And regarding your chatty pal: Dr. Raja recommends putting your phone on Do Not Disturb mode whenever you need a break. That way, you won’t have to bluntly say you’re too tired to hear about their shitty ex (again) for them to understand you’re not available.
4. Block out some downtime in your calendar.
Just like you pencil in dinner reservations or work meetings, it’s also worth carving out dedicated you time. “It can be tempting to fill your schedule with an obligation you’re not interested in if you see an empty slot,” Dr. Schuster says. For instance, you might feel uncomfortable turning down a hangout request if you’re technically free and your only excuse is…not feeling like it. When you make downtime a regular part of your routine, however, you’re sending yourself a clear message: Your personal space is just as valid as any other commitment. (Think of it like this: Actually, you do have plans—plans to unwind with a book, stream Netflix, or just chill in bed!)
Blocking off “self-care” from 7 to 9 p.m. on a Wednesday, for example, might feel odd at first, but the point, according to Dr. Schuster, is to get into the habit of actively prioritizing yourself and your interests. Over time, this can make it easier to recognize that wanting to simply rest, say, or catch up on Love Island are perfectly valid reasons to refuse plans, she adds.
5. Don’t let any pushback stop you from putting your needs first.
We wish we could promise that showing up for yourself will be met with open arms, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Even if you follow the advice above, your manager might still react passive-aggressively when you stop responding to their late-night messages. Or your parents may accuse you of “shutting them out” when you request alone time during a draining family vacation.
“People pleasers have essentially taught others to expect them to say yes no matter what, so when they stand up for themselves, they might initially get pushback for no longer being as accommodating,” Dr. Schuster explains. But when this resistance happens (because it probably will), remember this: “We might let people down in life just as others let us down,” she says. “But if you truly want to be happy, you need to strike a balance between caring for those around you—and still taking care of yourself.”
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Originally Appeared on SELF
