7 Super Important Things to Know if Your Partner Is Asexual
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through the links below."
If you’ve landed on this article because a) your partner is asexual, b) you’re close to being in a relationship with someone who is asexual, or c) you’re just curious about what it would mean to date someone who is asexual, you've come to the right place.
But before we dive into everything you need to know about dating someone who is asexual (oftentimes referred to as “ace”), let’s start with the basics.
According to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), "an asexual person does not experience sexual attraction–they are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way." But unlike celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sexual activity for whatever reason, asexuality is "an intrinsic part of who [they] are, just like other sexual orientations.”
Keep in mind this is not a one-size-fits-all definition for everyone in the ace community though. The person you're dating could experience sexual attraction after an emotional connection is formed, which is called demisexual. The person you're dating could also never experience sexual attraction, like, ever—hi, it me! Both experiences are completely valid.
So even though dating someone who is asexual may not be the same as dating someone who is not, it doesn't have to be some Super Scary Big Deal. It also doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Here are the things you should know.
1. Asexual people do not choose to be asexual
First and foremost, people don't choose to be asexual—it’s just who they are. Just like you didn’t choose to be born with brown or blonde or red hair, the person you're speaking to didn’t choose to be asexual.
But because many people are under the assumption that asexuality is a choice, it can make coming out and telling partner's difficult. Not only due to fear of judgment, but also because it can potentially take relationships south. So if the person you're seeing shared the fact that they are asexual, 1) consider it a good sign, and 2) know that it has nothing to do with you.
2. Let me reiterate: Your partner's asexuality has nothing to do with you
Don’t take your partner's sexuality personally. I get it, sometimes it’s hard for people to forget that not everything is because of them. And while it's true that your partner may not be sexually attracted to you, it's not because they don't think you're physically good looking. The reason they're not sexually attracted could be because they're literally not attracted to anyone. Period.
“There is nothing to take personally in someone affirming their identity by being asexual. You can still be a sexually desirable person even in a relationship with someone who experiences little or no sexual attraction,” says therapist Shadeen Francis.
If this creates insecurity and becomes an issue for you, try to gain validation through yourself and not from your partner. Focus on the qualities that set you apart from others and build on those. If you find that difficult, going to therapy may be helpful as you can explore why you have that need for external validation and work to develop coping strategies to help you feel more secure.
3. Asexuality exists on a spectrum
Like I mentioned above, sexuality is on a spectrum. Some ace people might experience sexual attraction, want to masturbate, want to have sex with their partners, etc., while others might not. It really depends on the person.
There are even specific terms on the asexuality spectrum that help describe an individual's experiences. For example, there's greysexual, which means someone rarely experiences sexual attraction, and demisexual, which means someone might develop a sexual attraction after a strong emotional connection is formed. All of these fall under the "asexual" umbrella, but have very different meanings.
So, like with anything, pigeonholing people in a specific category or stereotype is plain annoying. Some ace people might masturbate, some people might not. Some people will want to be intimate, others might not. Everyone is different, and that’s valid.
Long story short: The best thing you can do in your relationship is not assume anything about your partner, and instead, ask them. "There is so much diversity within the ace community, so it is best to discuss the interest and boundaries for sexual and romantic interaction with each prospective partner," confirms therapist Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, founder of Modern Intimacy.
4. Dating someone who is asexual doesn't necessarily mean you won't ever have sex
I mean, if you date me, you’ll never have sex. I'm asexual, and I have no interest or desire to have sex. I really don’t think there’s anything anyone could say or do to change my mind—I don’t even masturbate.
That said, there are some other asexual individuals who might be willing to have sex and entertain conversations pertaining to the subject matter. There are even asexual people who don’t necessarily seek sex themselves, but would be open to having it with a partner. It just depends on the individual and what they are comfortable with.
“The decision to have sex encompasses various components including attraction, libido, desire, and arousal," says therapist Chanta Blu. So even though someone who is asexual may experience little to no appeal toward sex with a specific person, "they still may have varying levels of wanting to experience sexual pleasure, intimate connections, or physiological arousal."
5. Your relationship can be still fulfilling—even without sexual intimacy
Don't worry, if sex is off the table, a relationship still may be able to work. And if you write off all asexual individuals, you could miss out on the opportunity to potentially meet a special someone who could provide the companionship you may be looking for.
“Many ace folks crave deep emotional, romantic and spiritual intimacy, and may desire physical and romantic affection, even if they are not sexually attracted or aroused,” says Dr. Balestrieri.
So, sure, sex may not be the focal point of intimacy between you and your ace partner. But there are other forms of intimacy you can do with your asexual partner like sharing compliments, spending quality time together, picking up a set of Corgi socks for them because you know they love Corgis, etc. These are all forms of intimacy that your partner may be more comfortable with.
Of course, your feelings are valid, and if sex is an important thing for you, and your partner is uninterested in having sex, that may be where you need to take a step back and see if that relationship is worth pursuing. Just remember that there are many other ways to give and receive intimacy that don't involve your genitals.
6. And if your partner doesn't want to have sex, it's not because they're just anxious about it
As an ace person, I find this assumption to be extremely insulting. In the same way we know being gay isn’t a mental illness, neither is being asexual—simple as that. There’s plenty of sexual people I know who suffer from anxiety disorders (myself included), but that’s not what asexuality is.
“Identities are not in reaction to anxiety or trauma or lack of experience,” says Francis. Asexuality is a real and valid sexual orientation. Folks who have high anxiety, have trauma histories, or who experience unsatisfying or painful sex may have low interest in sex or have an aversion to sex, but this is not the same as asexuality. Asexuality and low desire can overlap but are not the same.”
In my experience, equating asexuality with anxiety is extremely invalidating. So if you're dating someone who is asexual, Dr. Balestri confirms: “Aces generally do not feel anxiety about sex. It is important to avoid invalidating asexuality by assuming it is born out of trauma or anxiety, or that it is a passing phase.”
7. Communication is seriously, seriously important and necessary
Communication is the key to any healthy and happy relationship. But I’d argue that if your partner is asexual, communication is even more crucial because the expectations aren’t the same.
With my ex-girlfriend, I was extremely clear from the beginning about what my boundaries were. I didn’t want any physical contact aside from holding hands and cuddling on the rare occasion. She was amazing at making sure I was comfortable every step of the way, and I really appreciated that.
She also wasn’t afraid to ask questions, which can be helpful to understand your partner’s boundaries. So while your partner might bring up what they are and aren't comfortable with, it would be helpful to come with your own set of questions too.
Here are some starter questions:
Is sex something you ever picture yourself having in the future?
What are your thoughts on kissing and touching?
How do you feel about talking about sex, watching it on TV, etc.?
The same goes for you too, though. Be open and honest with your partner about what you’re looking for, expectations around sex, and what you need in order to be fulfilled both emotionally and physically in a relationship. That way you’ll be able to get on the same page.
It's also important to understand and accept your partner for who they are. Because by choosing to be in this relationship, you are also choosing to support your partner and be an ally for them. Regardless of their sexual orientation or preferences.
If you're still looking for more info or have additional questions, there are tons of resources online like discussion forums and Facebook groups where you can turn to for information about asexuality and how to better support your partner.
But if asking strangers for help on a public forum isn't exactly your thing, you can also try therapy—both online via an app like Talkspace or with an in-person practitioner. Through talking to a professional, you can explore your feelings related to asexuality and your relationship. Perhaps even consider couple’s therapy, where you and your partner can engage in an open dialogue with the help of a professional.
You Might Also Like
