What’s your apology language?
When it comes to love languages — the theory that every person has one of five ways in which they like to receive love and affection — we’re all clued up. Ours? It’s gifts, every single time. But have you heard about apology languages? Conceived by marriage counsellor and pastor Gary Chapman (yes, the same guy who proposed the love languages theory), alongside psychologist Jennifer Thomas in their book The 5 Apology Languages, it looks at the different ways we reconcile conflict in our relationships — your partner knowing your apology language, i.e, how you best like to be apologised to (and vice-versa).
So, what can we learn from the concept? “It can be a game changer in navigating conflicts,” says psychologist and relationship counsellor Kate Daly. Like love languages, apology languages can be a useful starting point to help you better communicate with your partner or even overcome disagreements. We’re listening. Here, Daly breaks down each language and what they say about us.
Expressing regret
This is your classic ‘I’m sorry’, which focuses on acknowledging your mistake and taking ownership of it. People who prefer this type of apology don’t look to make amends or ask for forgiveness. Instead, they want to focus on the emotional hurt caused. “Empathy is everything. They prioritise validating the other person’s feelings,” says Daly.
Accepting responsibility
This one is all about ’fessing up and being accountable for your actions. If you have this apology language, you value the gesture of vulnerability it takes to admit fault. “People who prefer this language appreciate clear accountability and understanding of why things went wrong,” explains Daly.
Making restitution
People who prefer this form of apology are all about action. They may doubt the sincerity of an apology unless clear examples of how the apologiser plans on changing their behaviour are given. For them, “following through holds more weight than just words”, says Daly.
Sincere repentance
This is for the self-flagellators out there. It’s all about growing from your mistakes. If this is how you apologise, you may appreciate explanations when others do you wrong. “Fixing things in the moment isn’t enough. They look for solutions to prevent a similar situation in the future,” says Daly.
Asking for forgiveness
This one’s giving Carrie shouting, ‘You have to forgive me!’, as she stands on Aidan’s stoop. If this is your apology language, you’ll likely understand the work that goes into forgiveness. But, Daly warns, “forgiveness shouldn’t be demanded”. If you do receive it, “acknowledge that you value that it shows respect and humility”, she says.
Whatever your apology language, Chance Marshall, a psychotherapist and co-founder of The Self Space, recommends approaching these categories “critically” and remembering that all relationships are completely individual. “Relationships thrive on open communication, empathy, and a genuine effort to turn towards each other. The most important language in relationships is a shared one. A vocabulary that we create together. Beyond scripts, frameworks, or formulas,” he says. Then again, it’s always worth apologising if you’ve done something wrong...
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