A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they offer a beginner's guide to getting into BDSM.

The night where I truly understood power through sex involved my vibrator, mood lighting, and two words: Good. Girl.

As a big fan of audio erotica, I had settled under the covers with my vibrator ready as I listened to a piece with the tags “rough play, submissive girlfriend,” “male domination,” “gentle degradation” and… “praise kink.” Phew. You get it. If you think the tags sound intense, I promise you the audio was even more so. The narrator’s voice was deep and husky with a tinge of a British accent. It instantly transported me to a fantasy where I was the submissive girlfriend who was more than happy to surrender control and give in to every explicit directive. From that moment on, my life would forever split into two eras: pre-being called a “good girl” and post.

While some might, like me, discover their taste for BDSM through audio or visual erotica, many people’s first introduction to the practice is through much more mainstream media. One of the most anticipated films of 2024, Babygirl, stars Nicole Kidman as a CEO who gets wrapped up in a BDSM-fueled affair with a much younger intern. In Teresa’s case, it was the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The 43-year-old nurse from Wisconsin first had her interest piqued in part thanks to her crush on Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

“Black shiny leather drew me to explore BDSM,” she says, noting that she picked up books on rope binding and other BDSM 101 literature to get started. “I wanted to be a dominatrix so bad that I even had a name picked out: Mistress Spitfire!”

While the mainstream portrayals of BDSM can help plant the initial seed of curiosity, they’re typically rooted in fantasy and aren’t always accurate portrayals of the practice. The most often-cited example of introducing a wide audience to BDSM, 50 Shades of Grey, is frequently criticized as disguising abuse as an acceptable sexual fetish. “I love erotica and spicy books as much as the next sexpert, but they aren’t always the best examples of safe and consensual BDSM practices,” says sex and intimacy coach Angie Enger. “Many people just end up thinking that BDSM is purely about pain, intimidation, and/or fear.”

Enger says it's important to examine the reasons for your interest in BDSM, which will then help you establish a healthy practice that allows you to feel safe (by making sure all activities are thoughtfully planned, without risk to serious bodily harm or irreparable damage), informed (with potential risks communicated and understood), and aware (that you know what you need to feel emotionally and physically safe.) “In practice, BDSM [can offer] an opportunity to explore power dynamics, control, and fantasies in a safe environment,” Enger says.

That's why the practice requires a deep level of existential work around your own relationship to power and control. Elle, a 25 year old grad student from the bay area says she initially got into BDSM for what they now believe were the wrong reasons. Rebelling against some of the cultural expectations of their Indian upbringing, Elle thought that BDSM would create a tangible outlet for anger and grief. This led to them engaging in risky sexual behaviors as a harmful coping mechanism in order to numb themselves from dealing with their anger.

“I decided to step away from BDSM for a year, work on myself, and reflect on my anger,“ Elle says. “Getting back into it, I read articles, books, and personal essays on power dynamics, bondage and restraint, sadism and masochism, as well as safe practices grounded in honesty and consent. This and talking to friends in the community helped me navigate the world of BDSM in a healthy and supportive way the second time around.”

For 30-year-old yoga instructor Sunaina, finding a healthy practice with BDSM meant mirroring it with their yoga practice. For them, BDSM felt like a natural extension of the principles of svadhyaya (self-study) and ahimsa (non-harming); the two can combine to create a path towards reclaiming agency over the body and learning the power dynamics we all engage in.

If you too are thinking about incorporating parts of BDSM into your relationship or explore how to also be a boss in the boardroom and a submissive in the bedroom (cliched, I know but I just had to), here are some 101 tips to get you started.

Communicate, honey.

“It is absolutely critical to actively communicate your expectations and boundaries with every potential play partner,” Elle says. “Ideally you want to cover all the bases and ask many questions regarding limits, kinks, privacy, aftercare, safe words, consent, any past experiences with this dynamic, what has worked for you in the past and what has not.” This is why understanding your own motives and preferences is a crucial first step before you engage in BDSM with someone else.

The goal in these pre-sex conversations is not just to be thorough but to also have a solid framework around consent. Enger recommends people keep their BDSM relationship “continually consensual,” meaning that consent is not one and done. Instead, it should be an ongoing conversation where “you discuss your fears, traumas and reflect on each experience you have so you can continue to ensure the situation is ideal for everyone,” she says.

Enger also encourages people to communicate potential risks—like potential burns from candle wax or bruising during spanking—and that all activities be carefully planned so as to be emotionally and physically safe.

Work with your partner, not against.

Whether you met your new partner in the BDSM community or are looking for ways to introduce BDSM into your previously “vanilla” relationship, bringing kinks into the bedroom involves not just communication but compromise.

For instance, Teresa loves to be choked. When her ex-partner expressed uncertainty about choking her, it meant coming up with a shared goal.

“My last partner was hesitant about choking me because they felt like it was violence against women. I explained that it is something that I really enjoy and it’s consensual,” she recalls. “We came to an agreement that they would place their hand against my throat, but I would be able to control the pressure by leaning against their hand.” This creative problem solving meant having both partner’s needs met.

Remember: One thing BDSM is absolutely not is forcing a partner to do something they do not want to.

Let go of any preconceived notions about BDSM.

For so long, I thought there was only one way to “do” BDSM. I had dismissed getting into it initially because I falsely believed it had to involve dungeons and bondage. This reduced understanding made it feel inaccessible to me, and incapable of fitting into my lifestyle or my relationship.

But the spectrum of power play is something that anyone, including me, can indulge in. Yes, BDSM can include nipple clamps and leather, but it can also be as simple as having your partner provide clear directives in bed and rewarding you by saying “good girl” when you obey.

Enger explains that BDSM is just as much emotional and psychological as it is physical. Her system of helping couples implement small steps towards integrating BDSM into their partnership involves 3 Ps:

• Porn: There are a lot of *good* audio erotica platforms (like my personal favorite, Quinn) with a variety of BDSM storylines there that can serve as good inspiration. Enger recommends ethical porn site Erika Lust as a great place to start.

• Products: “Don’t go straight to something that scares the shit out of you” she begs of us. “Try a blindfold, an ice cube, or massage oil candle which are perfect for beginners.”

• Play: In the final P, Enger says to try to approach sex, even kinky sex, as something playful, joyful, and fun to take the pressure off. “Come up with wild scenarios, read ridiculous erotica scenes to each other, or try a mask,” she says. “The hardest part is getting started.”

Seek out your community.

Finding a community of like minded people might be the best part of diving into the world of BDSM. Social networking sites like FetLife have made it easier for people to date, learn more or find munches (small gatherings of like-minded kinksters in your area).

This doesn’t mean you have to engage in polyamory if that’s not your thing, but joining an app, Reddit community, or even just talking to friends who are already dabbling in BDSM can provide opportunities to educate yourself and grow as a human being. I mean, in addition to the cool whips and leather outfits, these people also have some of the deepest knowledge about autonomy, boundaries, and consent.

“In yoga, sangha represents a supportive community. Seek out similar spaces in the BDSM world that emphasize education, inclusion, and safety,” Sunaina says. “One of my favorite sanghas is an art community where models post nude (I did mine pregnant!). It gave me a lot of support and a feeling of being witnessed.”

Whether renewing our connection to power, finding community, indulging in fantasies or discovering a submissive kink, BDSM offers a safe sanctuary for anyone to honor their desires in a world that otherwise tells us to suppress it.

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Sex-Positive Cruises Aren't Just for Swingers Anymore

How My Partner and I Have Sex in Public

Originally Appeared on Allure