How to Take the Best Freaking Poop of Your Life

Julia Ries
·8 min read

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Nothing beats an A+ poop. Picture it: You wake up, have a cup of coffee, and head to the toilet where everything slides out smoothly. You wipe once or twice and get on with your day. It feels like a weight’s been lifted off your shoulders (or, rather, expelled from your gut). Julia Barten, DPT, a physical therapist at the Stanford Pelvic Health Center, calls this a “Unicorn Poop,” or “a well-formed stool, it’s the right time, it’s the right moment. You sit down, relax, and everything just happens,” she says.

There are a ton of things you can do in your day-to-day life to make this experience happen regularly, like getting seven to eight hours of sleep per night, prioritizing fiber-rich foods, exercising daily if you can, and managing stress levels. But what about when it’s time to hit the can? Is there anything you can do in the moment to drop an amazing deuce? We asked two poop professionals exactly what to do when nature calls. Here’s what they said.

Hold back until you feel The Urge.

It’s important to wait until you really have to go and not a second sooner, Barten says. You don’t want to wind up sitting on the toilet for too long, as it could give you even more gut trouble (more on that in a minute). “If you have an abdominal cramp or sensation where you think a bowel movement might be coming soon, but it’s not quite the right time, you can’t force the gut to have a bowel movement before it’s actually ready,” she explains.

So, what exactly does The Urge feel like? You should feel some pressure in your bum that needs to be released—a sensation that makes you think, “Oh, it’s coming soon,” says Barten. That’s your cue it’s time to find a bathroom.

And if you ignore that call because you’re in a meeting or stuck on a highway? This isn’t a big deal if you do it every so often, but try not to make it a habit. “Chronic deferring of urges over time can lead to stretching of the rectal wall, which may decrease your awareness of future urges and lead to bowel problems,” says Barten.

Do some gentle pre-pot stretches.

You can do a few small exercises a couple of minutes before it’s go time (or while you’re literally on the toilet to speed things up). First: Give your belly a little massage—Barten recommends rubbing in a clockwise direction or stroking the lower left side of your abdomen, which is where poop travels down your colon. This doesn’t push it out, per se, but it stimulates the descending colon to promote motility. Twisting your body from side to side, per this guide on yoga poses that’ll help you poop, compresses and stimulates your colon to move things along.

Get into a potty-positive position.

Once you’re ready to rock, try to mimic how you’d go if you were in the middle of the woods, a.k.a. you’re in a squatting position with your torso leaning forward slightly and your knees a bit higher than your hips. Why? That’s because when you’re sitting with your feet flat on the floor, it causes your rectum to bend with a bit of a kink, which makes it harder for waste to flow, says Roshini Rajapaksa, MD, a gastroenterologist with NYU Langone Health, tells SELF. But when your knees are raised, “it’s like a straight tube as opposed to a tube that’s bent,” making it easier for stuff to pass, she says.

To straighten things out, slide a stool (like this fancy one, or any of these) under your feet so your knees are above your hips, Barten says. Even a mini trash can should work—anything that prevents your legs from resting at a 90-degree angle.

Take some calm, deep breaths.

Next, you really want to relax your body, which can in turn help ease tension in your pelvic floor and abdominal muscles. When those areas are tight and therefore closed up, there’s less room for your stools to squeeze by, Dr. Rajapaksa says. When they’re calm and loose, your brain sends a signal to your rectum that it’s time to open the gates, Barten says.

To get there, Barten recommends practicing deep, gentle diaphragmatic breathing while on the can. Don't overthink it: Just take 5 to 10 gentle, deep inhales and exhales—you want to imagine air traveling from your nose, through your stomach, and out your butt, Barten says. “When you breathe, stuff in your body moves,” she says. Barten also recommends lifting one knee to your chest and then repeating the exercise with the other knee to open up the pelvic floor area, or doing any of those pre-pot stretches listed above. Manifest this shit, people!

Push—but don’t strain.

If you’re on your porcelain throne but nothing’s happening, don’t force it. Yes, you want to squeeze slightly, but you want to avoid straining. To push properly, engage your abdominal muscles and, as Barten sings in her parody of the Spice Girls called Wanna Poo, “breathe and bear down and start to feel it crown.” A few clues you’re overdoing it: You’re holding your breath, squirming around in discomfort, or your sphincter is clenching (remember: the goal is for everything to relax), Barten explains. If things are too tense down there, your stool will never actually take a dunk, Dr. Rajapaksa says.

The ideal push, according to Barten, feels more like a sneaky toot. “Imagine you’re in a quiet room and you want to pass gas very quietly so that no one hears,” says Barten. That’s the ticket.

Don’t linger on the pot.

Barten says you shouldn’t hang out on the toilet for longer than 5 to 10 minutes. “If nothing’s happening, try later,” Dr. Rajapaksa advises. That’s because sitting on the crapper too long can stress your anal blood vessels, which can up your risk of hemorrhoids. If things still won’t budge, and you’re not passing poo at least three times per week, here are four remedies that can help ease constipation.

Keep unnecessary wiping to a minimum.

In the perfect world, you won’t use a half-roll of toilet paper each time you go. “You should be able to wipe with one or two pieces of toilet paper and be clean,” Dr. Rajapaksa says, as too much can agitate or even break the skin around your anus. “That can be painful and irritating or it could bleed but also those tiny breaks in the skin could let bacteria enter and cause infection,” says Dr. Rajapaksa.

If you struggle with repeated swiping, consider wet wipes. (PSA: Throw yours away—don’t flush them—as they can clog pipes.) And whether you’re using wet or dry, don’t forget to move front to back to avoid giving yourself a urinary tract infection (they are no fun, friends).

If you really want to up your poo game, you can try a bidet, which is a plumbing fixture (you can usually install yourself) that can eliminate the need for toilet paper in general and be a heckuva lot gentler on your poor cheeks.

Prep for future Unicorn Poops.

Ideally, your poop should come out looking like a long, single, smooth sausage, or something that looks like corn on the cob. It’s okay if you don’t go every day, but you should go at least three times a week (anything less than that means you’re probably constipated, although you can go more often and still be constipated). If you’re backed up; your turds are soft, sticky, or loose; you’re bloated; or you have to wipe endlessly, start paying attention to how much fiber you are eating, as taking in too much or too little can cause issues (25 to 30 grams per day for women, and upwards of 38 grams for men, is a solid amount to aim for). Look at your water intake, too, as dehydration can slow things down. Aim for roughly 8 to 10 cups a day, or as much that makes your urine light yellow.

A sedentary lifestyle is also a recipe for constipation, and as Dr. Rajapaksa says, the more you move, the more your colon moves. Finally, if things seem off—like, you’re in pain or constantly have diarrhea—then it might be time to talk with a gastroenterologist. They can run some tests to figure out what’s going on and recommend tips or treatments to get your bowels running smoothly again.

So, what are you waiting for? Head to the toilet, center yourself, and go take the dump of a lifetime. You deserve it.

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Originally Appeared on SELF

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