"This Can Be A Big Red Flag": People Are Revealing The Subtle Things Kids Do That Might Mean They're Having A Tough Time At Home
Note: This story might be triggering for those who grew up in difficult home environments.
Growing up in an unstable home can have lasting negative effects on a child. According to the National Children's Alliance, one in four girls and one in 13 boys in the US experience some form of child abuse. As a result, some of these children may go on to develop mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or PTSD.
However, even though it's been reported that about 558,899 children were victims of unique incidents of abuse and neglect in the US in 2022, it still might be hard for people to detect if and when a child may be living in a challenging environment. So when Reddit user Reciter5613 asked: "What's the first sign a kid has terrible parents?" people who work closely with children and people who grew up in difficult homes all shared their personal takes on the matter. Here's what they said below:
Note: While people are talking about their personal experiences, not all of these signs may indicate a child may be living in an abusive home. Also, this story is not meant to replace seeing a mental health professional.
1."They form an unhealthy attachment to any authority figure and treat any kind of adult as a parental figure or friend even when it isn’t appropriate. It makes kids much more vulnerable to further abuse as they believe they’re mature enough for a platonic relationship with grown adults (speaking from experience, unfortunately)."
"Omg, that was me as a kid in kindergarten. I thought the dinner lady was my best friend and invited her to my birthday party (she came!). She was amazing, and I think I probably wanted her to be my mum."
2."Not being bathed. Distracted, hungry, injured, lethargic, behavior issues, not wanting to go home."
"Not being bathed is one of the most definitive ones. A lot of these others can be abused but can also be personality styles or mental illnesses that have nothing to do with the home situation.
But assuming you know that the child is housed and their parents have enough money to keep the water on (a big assumption sometimes), kids who are clearly filthy all the time are being neglected."
3."I don’t know if it’s the first sign, but I was teaching a small class of children, and one child would speak very negatively of himself, as though someone in his life (like a parent) had said those things to him on many occasions, and he’d internalized them. There was one day, in particular, when he’d answered a question incorrectly and then proceeded to call himself stupid over and over. I reassured him he’s not stupid, but you could tell by the look on this poor boy’s face he believed he was."
"My daughter used to do that. In her case, it was a form of OCD called perfectionism OCD. Thankfully, therapy is helping her work through it."
4."They flinch or jump at the slightest movement. I know that there are reasons other than abuse for a child to flinch like this. Context is also important, and everything should be taken into consideration before anything is done in order to do what is best for them."
5."As someone who works with kids from tough homes, here are some red flags for poor parents, but even then, it's best not to jump to conclusions. Some more than others."
1) Arrives at school with some sort of emotional baggage.
2) Hungry despite family having money. Or sent to school with junk food as a lunch daily.
3) Smells like cigarette smoke or weed.
4) Bruising is explained by 'accidents.' Should also be careful not to jump to conclusions here.
5) Doesn't trust adults (also good not to jump to conclusions here).
6) Ongoing medical issues with no advocacy from parents.
So, I made this list off the top of my head based on kids I've had with poor parents. I've worked with kids in school and behavior therapy for 15 years. I've also grown up with autism, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and depression. I had plenty of behavior issues as well."
6."Another behavior I've noticed is the art of becoming invisible. The child tries their best not to be noticed, whether it be at home or in the school environment. They're usually the ones who never raise their hand to answer questions, even though they may know the answer, and they seldom initiate or join conversations. This tendency is not because they're naturally introverted but rather because being unnoticed is their coping mechanism; it's their way of avoiding negative attention or criticism at home, where standing out might not have the best outcomes. They become masters of blending into the background, often coming across as extremely independent, when in reality, it's a learned survival skill that's been ingrained from walking on eggshells around unpredictable caregivers."
"It's bittersweet when these patterns manifest because, on the one hand, they display a certain resilience, but on the other hand, it becomes a barrier to forming healthy, transparent relationships where they feel safe to be seen and heard."
"This one hits hard. I am of the (entirely unsubstantiated) opinion that there is a series of behaviors that make a person forgettable, and I mastered the hell out of them (subconsciously, more or less). I just slip right out of people's heads. When I wanted to avoid my family, I simply left the room. It wouldn't be till an hour later that someone would look around and wonder where I was.
Now, I work to avoid things like that. Useful when I was a kid, but severely maladaptive as an adult who no longer has close ties to their family."
7."Afraid to make mistakes. They freeze or panic over small things, like spilling a drink."
"Yuuup. Family history of anxiety? Check. Type A mother who they mimic? Check. two daughters who need regular reassurance that they don’t need to panic over small mistakes? Check and check. We have spent years now teaching them to identify and manage their 'worry monsters.'
Every time I cook with them, I’m saying, 'Everyone makes mistakes cooking. It’s how you learn. Now, you know not to do X or that you have to do Y, and it will be easier next time.'"
8."I think being classified as an 'old soul' can be an indicator. I was told a lot growing up about how mature I was, and the reality was that I had to essentially grow up overnight and was raising my little sister because my mom was strung out on drugs, but people didn’t see that until a lot later."
"Looking back and remembering my teachers/other adults saying I was mature or an 'old soul' stings now as an adult. I had a pretty good childhood overall but had a severe anxiety disorder from age 4 to 5 and a crippling fear of ever being 'in trouble,' so I acted maturely. I wish someone had caught it sooner. The anxiety ate away a lot of my life until I smartened up in my early 20s and got myself some therapy."
9."The kid who can't attend anything outside of school hours. I'm not talking about the troublemakers either; I'm talking about high-grade overachievers who never get invited because everyone knows their parents will say no to the smallest inconveniences to their own plans, and their parents are highly discriminatory. The gentrified type with snobbish parents. That kid's entire life is being run by their parents, and they have to comply with their entire existence and support as they question their kid.
"There's a 100% chance that the kid will have severely lacked social skills and have become a recluse later in life. Don't ask me how I know."
"Why does this look like I wrote it?? They were constantly keeping tabs on who and when I could talk to my schoolmates. They're screaming in the background whenever there is a call, so I hurriedly cut the call. These parents don't have normal conversations, they interrogate, and you feel like a goddamn criminal, and you don't even know what you're guilty of. You're academically doing well, you have hobbies, and you aren't doing shady things, yet they're unhappy and pissed at you because it doesn't match their fantasy or whatever??? All my classmates and their families have 'substandard low lives,' apparently, except for Mr. and Mrs. Holier Than Thou.
As an adult, not having social experiences in childhood will result in being friends or being in relationships with incompatible people. Eventually, they will have their trust broken so much that they'll give up. Then those same helicopter parents wonder why you aren't a social butterfly with a lovely spouse and two children by 30."
10."As a teacher who has covered every grade level from K to 12th, I find that younger children with abusive/neglectful parents emulate behaviors through really rough/aggressive role play. They only know what they have been shown. As children get older, I know something is off when I start hearing them talk about sex in a way that is a little too beyond the b/s you hear when 5th-9th grade kids lie about what they 'know.'"
11."Traumatized or neglected kids are prone to having savior complexes. This means that they will always put others’ needs before their own, often to a problematic degree. "
"Ah. It's me. As an adult, I'm still having such a hard time loving or accepting myself because 'I don't deserve it, but everyone else does.' I find it really, really hard to be assertive or to stand up for myself. Therapy helps some, but I'm still so broken."
12."If they say sorry for the slightest inconvenience."
"I bet you get called out like I do. Getting told not to say sorry so much is funny because I want to apologize for that itself. Usually, I respond with, 'I can try, but it's hard-wired at this point.'"
13."They have no ability to self-regulate when told 'no.'"
"Depends on age. Three, not concerning. Nine, that's concerning."
"My 12-year-old daughter with autism and ADHD has a difficult time regulating herself, no matter how much help or 'tools' we teach her. Sometimes, she just can’t hold it all back anymore, and she can say some pretty messed up stuff, but that’s not who she is."
14."From my own experience, when their parents don’t show up for things, when they aren’t in any extracurricular activity, or they never mention their parents, etc."
15."As a teacher, it can be hard to tell, but I would say a kid who is mean and says mean things you somehow know were told to him or her. I had a high school student once who pushed a teacher down the stairs. He was expelled, and two years later, he was in my classroom. He was interesting, creative, and pretty quiet — and the,n one day, he just picked up a chair and threw it out of a classroom window from the 3rd floor. The principal was out of the building, so I sat with him. He apologized and said he was just a bad kid and that his dad often used a belt on him, and he deserved it. I reported suspected abuse to the principal and worked with him on the yearbook and other creative projects that year. Never had a problem with him again and often wonder how he’s doing. He was a nice kid."
16.And finally, "Teacher here. Some kids are outliers, so this isn’t always true. Seeing these patterns over weeks and months:"
"• Tired all the time, usually no bedtime.
• Being left alone overnight in elementary years.
• Frequently keeping older siblings home to care for younger siblings as a regular routine.
• Viewing everything through a religious lens only, primarily fear-based.
• Student often attends school while very sick (i.e., fever, throwing up, injuries that affect walking, etc.) and is afraid for the office to call a parent to pick up (like, afraid to the point of crying and begging the office not to call).
• Students under eight walk more than a couple blocks alone.
• Removing a student from school for a month-long, casual family vacation without prior notice to the school or teacher.
Some of these may be related to a child’s disability or health issues, which should always be considered."
Whether you're a teacher, therapist, or a person who had a difficult childhood, if you feel comfortable doing so, tell us the first sign that may indicate a kid has terrible parents in the comments below.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
