How my partner’s disorder made me see masculinity differently

Everything changed in our fifth year.

From the late-night calls to dates that didn't go according to plan, I had become burnt out from what I had endured emotionally. My partner's depression worsened. Every time I'd try to help, it seemed like all he thought about was the end. There would be days when he asked me why I stayed. There were moments when he insisted that he wasn't man enough for me. I almost believed it.

My partner was diagnosed with Bipolar ll disorder at a young age, which he told me during our first year together.

I nodded each time it came up in conversation, but I never fully understood its gravity. I guess I didn't want to.

I had always been aware of a man's "place" in a relationship. My parents ingrained it in me when I was young. They said he'd be the head, that his place was to provide and care for me. That's what it meant to be masculine. So, it was hard to grasp how his condition could fit into that ideal of manliness.

It took me years to accept his disorder. I came from a background that stigmatized mental health, let alone mental illness. That’s why I struggled to be understanding for the first few years. We argued and fought regularly, constantly leaving my mind and spirit feeling defeated. It was like I was pounding on a door that would never open.

As time went by, I grew tired of the arguments. I didn't want to fight anymore. I wanted our relationship to feel easy for once. So, I stopped trying to "fix" my partner and started asking what he needed from me instead. I knew I had to let go of my judgment if I wanted us to work. I had to let go of who he should be to love who he already was.

Many men are used to hiding their feelings when my partner clinically can't. That's how I knew his anxieties, insecurities and fears. Whenever he was triggered, he would fall into a deep depression and oversleep. I knew his job stressed him out on top of his other matters. He was a perfectionist who had a sensitive soul. And I knew he needed all of my support.

So, I began to educate myself. I started to read about bipolar, as I wanted to understand it fully. I also asked questions to get to know my partner's perspective. Though he still found it hard to accept his condition, he's learned to live with it. So, I asked about his triggers. What were they, and how would it start?

He told me what he needed from me and how encouraging words helped. He played YouTube videos that explained the diagnosis better, and I also became more aware of his medication and how much he needed to take each day.

Slowly, I developed more knowledge and awareness of his disorder. It made me a better partner. I became more patient, understanding, and knew what to do during his episodes. Not only did this change our relationship dynamic, but it made me see him in a different light. Bipolar might have had me question his manliness, but it also revealed its true nature. It made me realize that masculinity isn't present in a hard shell but in a soft and sincere one.

Speaker, founder, and advocate Jeff Perera knows something about this. He's delivered thousands of talks across the continent on gender, masculinity, and empathy-building. His work strives to teach men and boys more positive ways of embracing manhood.

"We're living in an era of uncertainty," he says. "We're in stormy waters, and men and boys are struggling and drowning. We need to be lighthouses for each other and help build that solid ground we never had before."

Perera adds that men need to work on their emotional muscles as a step toward positive masculinity.

"You don't need to be the man to be a man," he shares. "We need to recognize that soft skills are powerful to have. I'd also say the problem is how we strive to improve. It isn't doing better than everyone else but better than our yesterdays."

He elaborates on the dangers of toxic masculinity and how it can impact all of us. It can leave men stuck in their storm and never getting the help they need.

"All I see is a lot of men and young men struggling with their emotional literacy," he adds. "We can't pinpoint our emotions to do something about it. We have trouble asking for help. We need to stop performing and learn to be okay with being vulnerable and being ourselves."

Perera wants men and boys to see that it's okay not to always be in control. Being strong emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is what it truly means to be a man.

My partner's disorder doesn't make him less manly; he's more because of it. It takes someone strong to face their emotions as intensely as he does. And it takes even more strength to continue living despite them. He embodies masculinity's true essence: growth, nurturance and love.