By Inji El Gammal for BounceBack.com
"A woman should not be walking out of her marriage. How can you do this to your children and let them grow up in a broken family?" That is what some will tell the woman who decides that her marriage was over. Those words will haunt her and may even break her for a while. People will judge and will condemn but what they do not know is what happened before reaching such a decision. What they do not know is the life this woman had once the doors were closed behind her.
To the women or men, who are good living people with no intention of destroying anything, you were the one living your life. Were those people, now judging you, living it for you, with you or by you? Did you judge them when some decided to stay in a marriage predominated by fighting, letting their children grow up with two adults disliking each other?
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However, when it is the man who walks out, people will gladly and willingly comfort the woman left behind. They will want to help her get better. They will think that saying bad things about the man that left will be helpful. They will, in fact, let you go through what is called victimization. You will be made a victim, and only then, they will show their support.
My answer to those who judge too easily is what Rumi once said: "beyond the rightness or wrongness of things there is a field, I'll meet you there". This article is an attempt to respond on your behalf to those who built fear in you, by making you the sole carrier of responsability towards your breakup. Whether you are a man, or a woman it is not necessarily that you are a bad person if you decided to end a marriage. The act of ending your marriage does not define who you are.
We mostly tend to console those left behind, and condemn those who left. Some leave out of cowardice, selfishness, and not so called noble reasons. However, others leave after years of compassion and sacrifices they cannot any longer make. Some leave after they got physically harmed by a bad energy between them and their partner. Others left because the person they were sharing their lives with, was no longer a partner, his or her way being the only right way. So many reasons could be stated here and there. Reasons that simply make the life between two people impossible, and destructive. Newton's third law of motion applies not only to physics and science, but also to one's capabilities of resilience. "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction."
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So you gave years of your life to the person your heart chose. It turned out that you gave years of your life to the wrong person. Wrong could be because they did not appreciate you for who you were. It could also be because your minds were not compatible. We all know that when the excitement and passion of the beginning of any relationship passes, what remains is the friendship and understanding between two people. "You chose that person." Yes indeed you chose that person you did not know that the relationship will be tarnished by criticisms of your core. You did not predict that this person will develop a different vision on life and different priorities than yours. You did not choose to grow apart, but you did.
When you know it is time go, stand by your decision because life is short and it is best to live it honestly then pretend to live a life we hate for the sake of our children. Your children will grow up one day and they will turn into adults and no matter what you do, they will have scars; maybe even some issues. That is a fact of life. Is there anyone you now who does not have some scars or issues one time or the other in their lives? Whether they grew up in a healthy family setting, or whether they grew up with parents screaming at each other and disliking each other, there will still be scars caused by the simple nature of life. There is no general rule other than to do your best.
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As for your children, whether you are still married or not, the only way to make them become as healthy as possible is to love them and show them the right example. The right example could be to choose to live honestly and remain true to your feelings and beliefs. Making sure your children do not think that the definition of a marriage is to be "stuck" with someone who dislikes you, simply so they grow up with both parents under one roof. Making sure they understand that a marriage should be based on the fact that it takes both hands to clap and that nobody is better than the other. Making sure they know that a marriage should be happy! Not an act of resilience. When your children will grow up with two parents not living together , however happy, they will one day understand your decision.
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So to those who judge too soon and to those who fall into the trap of being guiltified, I do hope those words helped some understand that we cannot judge a book by its cover. I hope we all know that a marriage is a world filled up with layers, years, actions, reactions, and consequences. As long as one stays true to him or herself, and to the world surrounding them, then they have nothing to fear. You, trying your best is good enough. Once you reach an unhappy place that will take you on a downhill road, then it is time to go. Once you know that you have done all what it takes to try make this relationship work and yet failed, then it is time to go. Nobody lives your life but you and at your darkest moments, you are the only one feeling the pain. Live a happy life as long as you know your decision was not a selfish one, but a healthy one for you and your surrounding.
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