Coming to a Whole Foods near you: A $1,100 kale running shoe?

Jordana Divon
Contributing Writer
Shine On

Isn’t rubber already vegan? And isn’t synthetic leather made from synthetic cows (definitely vegan)?

So why did Whole Foods Market and Christian Louboutin feel the need to collaborate on a kale running shoe – as in a running shoe made out of the stuff healthy people put in their smoothies and salads?

Perhaps the organic supermarket giant figured that if people love fueling their workouts with a kale smoothie they’d be inspired to go whole hog and strap a pair of veggies on their feet.

And that people who shop at their supermarket, lovingly nicknamed “Whole Paycheck” in some parts, would have no trouble forking out $1,100 for the privilege. Yes, that is what The Crosby Press estimates their price tag to reach.

Also see: Controversial Sketchers shoes hit the market

While this sneaker-in-the-produce-aisle development hasn’t been confirmed by either company, Crosby Press writer, David Oliver Cohen, claims a friend who works in New York photo studio recently shot promotional images of the kale shoe. Images she then leaked on Instagram. Images her boss immediately made her remove, but not before the damage was done.

Cohen also says the same friend told him that the shoes were compostable, organic and that some proceeds would go toward Whole Foods’ non-profit farming initiative.

Cohen did not say whether this friend still has a job.

If they’re real, these Whole Foods-Louboutin kale sneakers immediately catapult to the top of the weird footwear hall of fame.

Past standouts include the elephant dung shoe, a 10-inch pair of heels made out of the stuff pachyderms excrete, and Céline's objectively creepy human foot shoe, an item you can’t plug into a search engine without having to sift through thousands of articles about actual severed human feet in running shoes. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

Until the kale sneaker officially debuts, it will remain an Internet oddity, a fashion urban legend that causes us to re-evaluate everything we know about life, the universe and our values as a modern society.

Perhaps Whole Foods is trolling us and our willingness to fork over thousands of dollars for a pair of sneakers that you can toss with a little balsamic and olive oil and eat in case you get lost on a hiking trail.

Although when you put it like that, they’re worth every penny, aren’t they?