How parents who criticize others unintentionally hurt their kids
A viral TikTok by @bigsiscasey has reignited an important conversation: what happens when an emotionally immature parent raises you? In the video, she explains, “Being raised by a parent who is overly critical of others can significantly impact our own self-esteem.” She goes on to describe how “Emotionally immature parents are egocentric and tend to focus on very superficial values like appearances and achievements as a way of coping with their own insecurities and emotional limitations.”
Her words resonated with thousands, as people shared their experiences of growing up in environments where parental criticism, judgment, and emotional detachment shaped their identities. But beyond personal anecdotes, science backs up what many already know firsthand—our parents’ emotional intelligence (or lack thereof) has lasting effects.
The psychological impact of emotionally immature parents
Parental emotional immaturity can manifest in different ways, from excessive criticism to a lack of emotional validation. Research confirms that childhood environments like these have long-term consequences:
Parental criticism & self-esteem: Studies show that chronic criticism from parents is linked to lower self-esteem in adulthood.
The effects of emotional neglect: Emotional neglect, even when basic needs are met, can lead to difficulty forming healthy relationships and regulating emotions.
Perfectionism & people-pleasing: Growing up under constant scrutiny can create anxiety-driven behaviors such as perfectionism, fear of rejection, and chronic people-pleasing.
Breaking the cycle: Studies on attachment theory show that self-awareness and intentional parenting can help break intergenerational cycles of emotional harm.
Related: What every parent needs to know about human emotional development
How childhood pain shows up in adulthood
Many adults who grew up with emotionally immature parents find themselves battling self-doubt, struggling with criticism, and fearing rejection. As @bigsiscasey describes, “It made me feel like everyone else around me—strangers, teachers, friends, parents—were all judging me constantly. That, let me tell you, led to a fear of rejection, self-neglect, perfectionism, shame, and people-pleasing.”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. But recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing.
How to heal and parent differently
If you grew up in an environment dominated by judgment and emotional distance, breaking the cycle is possible. Here are evidence-backed strategies:
Reparent yourself – Learning emotional regulation and self-compassion can help undo childhood conditioning. Resources like Therapy for Black Girls and The Gottman Institute provide tools for healing.
Set boundaries – Establishing limits with critical or emotionally draining family members can help protect your mental health.
Practice secure parenting – Research on attachment theory emphasizes that parents who validate their children’s emotions help foster resilience and confidence.
Therapy & support – Seeking therapy, whether through traditional counseling or online platforms like BetterHelp, can be crucial in unlearning harmful patterns.
The bottom line
Parenting inevitably brings up our own childhood wounds, but it also provides an opportunity—to understand, to heal, and to do things differently. While all parents make mistakes, those who parent with intention have the best chance of raising resilient children, rather than perpetuating cycles of criticism and emotional distance.
Because at the end of the day, we don’t have to parent the way we were parented.
Related: Viral TikTok shows why we HAVE to be more thoughtful in dealing with kids’ emotions
Sources:
The importance of early bonding. National Library of Medicine. The importance of early bonding on the long-term mental health and resilience of children.
Coping With Emotionally Volatile Partners or Family Members. 2019. Psychology Today. Coping With Emotionally Volatile Partners or Family Members.
Adolescents’ neural reactivity to parental criticism. 2023. Oxford Academic. Adolescents’ neural reactivity to parental criticism is associated with diminished happiness during daily interpersonal situations.
Understanding Emotionally Immature Parenting. Hanna B. Woody. Understanding Emotionally Immature Parenting: Impact and How Therapy Can Help.
Childhood attachment. National Library of Medicine. Childhood attachment.
Parenting and Self-Criticism among Offspring. Research Gate. Parenting and Self-Criticism among Offspring: A Systematic Review.
