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Bridesmaid criticised for lying to avoid spending money on destination wedding

Weddings can be one expensive affair, whether it’s for the person planning it or an attendee.

In a recent Reddit post shared to the popular “Am I The A**hole?” subreddit, a woman explained that she and her childhood friend named Kayla were so close she didn’t even need to ask her to be a bridesmaid because it was assumed. However, because it is a destination wedding, the bridesmaid is concerned about the cost.

Kayla’s fiancé is from a town in the north of Scandinavia where the wedding would be held, but the date was brought forward at the last minute leaving only four months now until the wedding date.

“Between flights, the hotel (most everything in town has already been booked for Midsommar including every spare room and couch at his family’s home, so the rooms at the final available stays are around $300 p/n for the 7 days of wedding events), the rental car, the bridesmaid dress, the full traditional outfit required to be worn for some of the events, pet boarding, as well as general incidentals and we are looking at a minimum $8,000,” the bridesmaid explained in her Reddit post.

For the last couple of years, the woman and her husband had been saving up for a three-week tour around Japan for their 10th anniversary. The two of them had just purchased their flight tickets when the wedding date was pushed forward.

“Kayla didn’t know I had just booked flights and when she broke the news she actually said, ‘You’re so lucky, you’ve been saving all that money for a vacation anyway!” the post continued.

The bridesmaid pointed out that she was afraid to tell Kayla the truth that her wedding was too expensive, considering she had got married in a destination wedding herself and Kayla attended as a bridesmaid despite not being financially secure at the time.

“I fear she would question if our friendship is not worth cancelling our Japan plans and flights. Our friendship means a lot to me but I don’t think it’s fair to plan a wedding this expensive to attend and expect me to cancel our dream trip to accommodate it,” she wrote.

To avoid any arguments with the bride, the Reddit poster said she was toying with the idea of lying to her friend, explaining that they have to do a “major home repair” that will cost all of their savings and that they were “gifted” the Asia trip.

“I know that there is a risk she would find out the truth and be even angrier; is that risk worth it to avoid telling her the truth?” her post ended.

After posting, many people took to the comments section to explain that although they also thought $8,000 was a lot for a wedding, they didn’t think she should lie about why she can’t go.

“8K is an outlandish amount to ask anyone to pay to come to a wedding. Ever. Full stop,” one comment began.

It then continued: “The answer is ‘we just can’t afford that. We cannot spend that kind of money on this. I’m so sorry, we can’t. We booked our Japan vacation already, not knowing that you were going to change the date, and we can’t do this.’ Your actual reason is sufficient. Making something up would just make it dodgy. Tell her the truth.”

Another commenter agreed, writing, “On the one hand, I appreciate that folks are so worried about disappointing their friends that they’ll make s**t up, and risk getting caught and ruining the friendship THAT way instead of just being honest that it’s too expensive.

“But for the sake of being a grown-up and handling things like grown-ups do, I’m begging you and everyone here to please learn to communicate with those important to you. YTA [You’re the a**hole] for making up lies instead of just saying, ‘Hey, not in the budget right now, but here’s a great gift and I want to celebrate you when you get back. What works for you?’ NTA [Not the a**hole] for not being able to go. Just don’t lie about it.”