Is sex good for chronic pain? An expert says it might be the 'exact balm you need' —6 tips for building intimacy if you struggle with pain

This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Contact a qualified medical professional before engaging in any physical activity, or making any changes to your diet, medication or lifestyle.

There are many benefits to having a great sex life, but for people with chronic pain it can feel like an impossible reality.

Approximately 8 million Canadians live with chronic pain, defined as a long-standing pain that continues beyond the usual recovery period or occurs with a health condition, like fibromyalgia, arthritis, sciatica, autoimmune disorders and more. Aching, burning, throbbing and shooting pain can be symptoms, along with chronic fatigue, and mood and memory issues — and often a reduced ability to engage in sexual intimacy.

Understanding chronic pain

For people living with chronic pain, the pursuit of physical connection is a double-edged sword. On one hand, there is a deep yearning for the emotional and physical closeness that comes with intimacy. On the other, the very nature of chronic pain can make these moments frustrating at best, excruciatingly painful at worst.

Just months after marrying her husband, Danielle Savory, a pleasure expert and certified life coach, started experiencing intense chronic pain symptoms varying from muscle pain and mental fog to nausea, vomiting, agonizing migraines, limb numbness and tingling. At one point, her skin was so sensitive that she could write words on her skin with her nails and they would appear as angry red welts moments later.

“My entire body felt like it was on fire,” she tells Yahoo Canada. “Some days I couldn’t get out of bed; I was bedridden.”

In her early 20s and recently married, Savory wanted to be out doing the things she loved and pursuing a big career like her friends were. Instead, she was experiencing debilitating pain which caused her to quit her job. Like many newlyweds, Savory and her husband were desperate to start a family — a seemingly impossible task when just touching her own skin was painful.

“When your body hurts so bad, it’s really hard to give yourself permission to be touched,” she says. “I felt like I should be able to figure it out. I felt so different than my peers and colleagues.”

How chronic pain can impact your sex life

While there’s more to life than great sex, for many people physical intimacy is critically important to quality of life, deepening relationships and connecting with partners. But for those with chronic pain, navigating sex can be challenging, often bringing up fears related to rejection, performance, self-esteem and how to have sex without bringing on more pain.

It’s human nature to avoid things that are painful, and that includes sexual intimacy if it has aggravated chronic pain symptoms in the past.

“Looking back, there was this underlying fear of what does this mean for us and for our future?” Savory says. “Is [my husband] going to be upset with me or feel hurt in any sort of way? You can’t help but think, who would want to deal with this?”

While Savory’s husband was understanding of her condition and offered the support she needed, not everyone receives the same level of empathy from their partner. Some feel pressured to please and perform for their partners or believe the societal expectation that sex should be had as much as possible.

Chronic pain can lead to physical and emotional changes that can cause a loss of libido, performance anxiety and general decreased enjoyment of sexual activity. It can also affect your self-image and self-esteem, too.

“My symptoms definitely affected the way that I felt about my body in general,” Savory explains. “When my body was hurting so bad, it felt like my biggest enemy. When you reject your body, it’s hard to feel pleasure.”

Tips for navigating intimacy with chronic pain

The good news is, people experiencing chronic pain can have incredible sex lives — and in many ways, their care depends on it.

“Pleasure, even though it seems so out of touch when you’re in pain, might be the exact balm you need,” Savory says. “It’s like honey to a sore throat when we give ourselves permission.

And science backs this up, too. Endorphins, a group of hormones in the brain and nervous system known as the body’s natural painkillers, are released during sex and intimacy. Research shows that pain can be significantly decreased when a person is sexually aroused or experiences an orgasm.

But aside from the physiological impacts of intimacy, there are other things people can do to create the best environment possible for themselves when it comes to sex.

Reframe pleasure as self-love

Shift the perspective from fulfilling societal roles in the bedroom to embracing pleasure as an act of self-love and nourishment.

Mind-body practices

Engage in mind-body practices to create evidence for your brain that your body is a safe place capable of experiencing pleasure alongside pain.

Communication and consent

Establish open communication with your partner, expressing curiosity and a willingness to explore, while ensuring consent can be withdrawn at any point without judgment.

Focus and redirect attention

Develop the skill of focusing your attention on pleasurable sensations, intentionally redirecting it from pain to positive experiences. In other words, turn your focus to the parts of your body that aren’t hurting.

Experiment a little

Sex and intimacy doesn’t have to look a specific way. Try engaging in solo play together to minimize the need for too much movement or touching. Intercourse isn’t the only way to experience sexual or physical intimacy.

Make a plan

While planning sex might not sound romantic, it may help take the pressure off and lessen the fear of sex being initiated during a pain flare-up. This also allows time to take any medications beforehand, if needed, to reduce discomfort.

Above all, intercourse isn’t the only way to experience sexual or physical intimacy — and being open to other ways of connecting might just pave the way to an even better sex life.

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