Canadian Olympian Clara Hughes reflects on mental health journey and the power of community: 'There's so much beauty in the struggle'

Clara Hughes's journey as a Canadian athlete might've looked pristine on the outside, but it wasn't all shiny perfection on the inside. While the former Olympic speed skater and cyclist, now 52, won several medals across her career, there were times she fell into deep darkness, shame and despair.

That was the key message of her speech on Wednesday as part of the 10th anniversary of Let's Keep Talking, presented by Bell Let's Talk for the Mental Health Foundation of Nova Scotia. Ahead of Mental Health Day (Oct. 10), Hughes served as keynote speaker of the Halifax event and gave an inside look at her Olympic career and the challenges she faced with her own mental health.

"Those Olympic dreams have led me to so many beautiful moments of human connection," Hughes said. "It was always more than just about sport. It's always more than just about higher and faster and stronger Olympic ideals — it was about community."

That Olympic perception, she said, has guided a little more than half of her life at this point, but she's learned there's more to life than just winning. "It's not just about Olympic gold, silver and bronze, although they are nice to have," she quipped. Instead, she said it's the lower and slower part of being human, rooted in struggle, support and acceptance.

While becoming an Olympic athlete has been a major part of her life, she also noted mental health and addiction have had huge impacts, too. "As I've travelled this globe, I've realized that is the thing, that struggle, that connects us to the deepest level and it's something that we still do not talk about enough."

An inspiring afternoon turns into a life-changing path

By the time she was 13, Hughes said she hit the streets hard, following her "cool" older sister's footsteps as a way of "numbing a whole lot of pain that was going on inside." She avoided going to school, started consuming alcohol and cigarettes and even began taking drugs. Four years later when her sister was out of the family home, Hughes said she was on her own "pathway to destruction."

It wasn't until one frigid February afternoon in her hometown of Winnipeg where she was watching TV and came across a broadcast of long-track speed skating at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary. Former Canadian speed skater Gaétan Boucher was racing on-screen, leaving her inspired with the fire in his eye and starting off at a world record pace. By the end, he ultimately finished the 1,500-metre race in ninth place. "He changed my life by trying. He changed my life by giving everything he had to what he loved so much."

Afterwards, she mentioned to her mom she wanted to become a speed skater — and she eventually started on a path of transformation. While she struggled on the ice at first, she began getting off of drugs and alcohol, as well as quitting smoking to a point where "everything changed" for the better.

"From the outside, everything looked so good. I started winning locally, provincially, nationally and then, ultimately, internationally," she recalled, first in speed skating then in cycling. It was then that she started taking the burdening role of being "OK for everyone around" her life.

Winning can't replace blame, shame

As she began winning competitions, she started wondering if winning big in her sports would stop her sister from ending up in health emergencies, her father from drinking too much alcohol or her mother from experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) of living with her dad for so long.

By the time she reached the 1996 Summer Olympics, she got to a point where she thought it was her big chance to win several medals, accolades she believed at the time would help fix her family. "I thought if I went home with some shiny Olympic medals, everything was going to be OK. And if everything was OK, that would mean that I was OK."

After winning two bronze medals in cycling at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, she returned home to some local recognition. But she eventually went home to her family and realized nothing had changed. "What I came home to was the realization that nothing could fix what might be broken or hurt or harmed — nothing material, nothing tangible." Following her visit, she said she left feeling like she failed everyone and that what was broken couldn't be repaired.

How community helped her get back on her feet

At that point, Hughes said she was "six feet under" in a place of blame, shame and despair. She lost her job and fell into a deep hole, but there came a sense of support from her community that helped her turn things around. People reached out to see if she was mentally OK, the national team put her on an injury card despite not being physically hurt and the team's doctor delved deeper in her routine physical exam.

By receiving help along the way, she said "slowly the pieces of me were put back together — I just began to learn what they look like." She eventually went back to her sports, getting to a point where she could reflect on a time when she was so focused on desperately winning in hopes of avoiding shame. "This athletic path became a path of healing, a journey of healing."

By the time she reached the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver at age 37, she said she learned the power of community. It was there she found community and connection with the four host nations, the Squamish, Lil'wat, Musqueam and Tsleil-Waututh.

Before starting her 5,000-m race, it was the first time she felt she wanted to win but didn't feel the absolute need to land on the podium. "I learned that everyone was just doing their best and that we all struggle and that there's so much beauty in the struggle." She ended up landing in third place and winning a bronze medal, but it was what happened after in her life that matters most to Hughes.

Across 110 days in 2014, Hughes took part in an 11,000-km ride across Canada — called Clara's Big Ride — to raise awareness about mental illness. "What I'll never forget, and the biggest lesson of this whole sharing, has been learning how to listen.

"The countless people that have shared with me over this decade-plus have taught me how to listen. Not only how to listen to them and not judge them. ... These lessons have helped me learn how to listen to myself as well."

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