Couples Therapists Are Sharing The Biggest "Red Flag" Relationships They've Seen, And Here's What You Should Look Out For
Relationships take some serious work but it doesn't mean they all end happily ever after. Reddit user Gnerdy asked, "Couples therapists, without breaking confidentiality, what are some relationships that instantly set off red flags, and do you try and get them to work out?" Here are some of the most eye-opening responses:
1."What-aboutism. Instead of taking ownership and responsibility for their contribution to the degradation of the relationship, one or both parties point out an example of the other exhibiting similar behavior. It's a red flag because it illustrates their lack of self-awareness and poor communication skills. Communication is key when trying to mend a tattered relationship. Without respectful communication, the conflict-recovery process can never begin. In the conflict-recovery model, both parties agree to the terms they will communicate (i.e. no yelling, no interrupting, no 'I told you so,' etc)."
"Each party shares how the other's actions make them feel. Then, they each propose solutions and identify where they made assumptions or got triggered and why. Then, they identify where they're willing to compromise. Next, we create an actionable plan with deadlines and monitor progress to see if the proposed solutions are effective. IMO, everything can go to shit, but once communication stagnates, you're in real trouble. So even if you're arguing, you're still doing okay. You need to work on how you're communicating."
2."Withholding affection to get their partner to 'see how it feels' when their feelings get hurt. I take a direct approach in therapy, so, yes, I call it like I see it."
3."Contempt. When I experience true contempt from one in the relationship, I know it is usually over. Look towards a peaceful ending at that point if possible."
4."It's easy to work out when someone knowingly prioritizes their wants and needs over their partner. Relationships like this are often doomed because the person doesn't care enough to make any meaningful change."
5."One partner says they're seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together; the other partner says they're seeking your services to make it so they stay together. It's about highlighting the points and allowing the person on the fence to decide what they want since the other person knows."
6."I saw a couple that was doing 'retaliatory' cheating and telling each other about it. When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and make peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering. They decided to come to counseling, so I think it was the help they wanted. Other clients realize what they want is 'divorce counseling.' What's the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways?"
7."Being rude and inconsiderate. That's number one, at least for me. If you're rude or inconsiderate, that usually translates to all other aspects of life. Being rude or inconsiderate is not hard to not act on, imagine what other situations might be."
8."Relationship therapist here. One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they've forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what positives are between them. When people come in and have been so unhappy that they can't remember what it was like to be in love, or even like each other, they're just about hopeless. You don't have to be happy for therapy to work, but if you can't even reminisce about the good times, the good times are probably over."
9."I'm not a therapist, but my therapist straight face told me that 'there are worse options than divorce.' I got divorced and it was the best thing that happened to me."
10."People who approach therapy with the idea that they must convince the therapist that they're right and their partner is wrong. It's almost like they're complaining to a parent or boss to have them sort out the problems."
11."Vengeful acts. They did X so I did Y so they learn."
12."As a clinical psychologist, I focused mainly on behavioral medicine and cognitive assessment, but did my fair share of marriage/couples work. Refusal or inability to compromise is a ginormous red flag. One that, I believe, is empirically validated. Compromise is a significant predictor of satisfaction in relationships, and it plays an important role in the long-term success of marriages and relationships in general."
13."High-conflict relationships. If frequent and bitter conflict began a few months (or less) after the relationship began, and continued, relationship therapy won't be helpful. Either the conflict will continue indefinitely, or come to an end. Not just my opinion, the research supports this."
14."Active independence from each other is my number one sign of 'this marriage is about to spiral downward.' As soon as I realize a couple is doing things separately, like applying for car loans without the other's knowledge or planning personal trips without consulting the other, I know the couple is soon doomed."
15."When the husband wanted to be the sole translator for his non-English speaking wife. We used a professional translating service."
16."I was in couples therapy. At the end of the first session, the therapist asked us to say one nice thing about each other. I went first and said something nice about him. The therapist asked him to say something and he replied, 'My mother always told me if you can’t say something nice, say nothing. So I'll say nothing.' I felt so sorry for the therapist. And yes, that's when I started planning my exit. I am now happy in a new relationship and my revenge is to be living my best life."
17."I've seen individuals but did coursework in couples therapy. It's always a dooming sign when one of the patients doesn't want to be there and is unwilling to try. Those never end well."
18."Constant, needless escalation. When 'I don't think we need this expensive thing' is escalated to 'you don't love me,' it's a major problem. It shows up quickly in therapy if you're watching for it. Mostly because the one using this to avoid accountability is almost guaranteed to play this card in therapy itself. Either 'I had to drag them here' or 'they're just trying to break up with me.' They're avoiding conversation about the issue by blowing it up into a bigger problem than it is, so they can make the other person respond to their feelings rather than dealing with their concerns."
19."When one person is entirely dependent on the other, especially at a young age — I mean financially and emotionally. These are typically young women or men who do not work, do not have children, stay home all day, and have no friends or hobbies outside of hanging out with their spouse. [It's] very unhealthy and a huge red flag. It always ends in a painful and messy breakup. Generally, we try to get them to find a friend, join a community, get a job, or volunteer. Something to provide them with self-worth and personal fulfillment outside of their spouse."
20."What I loved about our marriage counselor is from the start he said his job wasn't to try to get us to stay together but to guide us to figure out if we should be together."
What's the biggest relationship red flag? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
