Dating Diaries: Ruby Rare soothes her break-up blues at a sex party
Welcome to Cosmopolitan UK’s Dating Diaries, where we pull back the curtain on the reality of romance. Sex educators, influencers, and celebs invite us into their love lives to witness lust, love, sex, hook-ups, and dating disasters. A lot can happen in a week! This time, Ruby Rare is getting back into dating after a big break-up — a process that’s filled with *a lot* of ups and downs. Luckily for Ruby, this week is mostly ups, including a new crush and a very wild first date...
I recently ended a big relationship, which has been much messier and more painful than I’d anticipated. I needed a couple of months to hunker down like a little hermit crab, safe in my shell, but now the time for wallowing is over. I’m single for the first time in six years — well, as ‘single’ as I can be as a non-monogamous babe. While I still have a few long standing partners, they’re more sexy friends or people I see on an occasional basis rather than primary partners. I’m finding the idea of redefining being single within a non- monogamous context really empowering, positioning myself, rather than me in a couple, at the centre of my dating world. As I start dating again, I’m not looking for anything serious. I just want to meet some new people, have fun, and feel like a sexy version of myself again after a rough couple of months.
Monday
After a long day of writing (I’m working on my second book, which is all about non-monogamy), I invite my partner S over for dinner. We’ve known each other for five years and have a committed yet casual dynamic where we hang out every few months. We’ve not seen each other since my break-up, so tonight is cosy and comforting. It’s nice to chat through what I’m feeling without judgement. We end the night having the kind of lovely, efficient, Monday-night sex you can only have with a long-standing partner, and then curl up together to sleep.
Tuesday
I’m in London for the rest of the week and see this as an opportunity to download Feeld again. Dating apps are significantly more fun to use in big cities; in the small seaside town I call home I’m mostly swiping through people I already know. It’s exciting and ridiculously overwhelming how many hot people live in the area of London where I’m staying. I start chatting to a few cute babes, mainly women and non-binary folks, and line up some dates for later in the week, including what might be the roguest first date ever for Sunday (more on that, later).
Wednesday
I slept terribly last night, thinking about the break-up and it’s got me into a grim downward spiral. I struggle through the day doing the bare minimum and once work’s done, I call my sibling and BFF Maya for a much-needed pep talk. They remind me that things are never linear post-break-up, that it’s okay for today to be a sad one, but tomorrow is a new day. When we’re off the phone I have a big dramatic ugly cry and end the day feeling lighter for having sat with my emotions.
Thursday
I start the day still feeling a bit tender, but pop on my ‘Slaggy Ruby’ playlist (which is 90% Shygirl, Charli XCX, and Chappell Roan) as I get ready, and by the time I’m out the door, I’m stomping down the street feeling fab. Tonight is the first proper date of the week: drinks at a cosy bar with D, an art teacher. We’ve been bouncing witty texts back-and-forth, so my hopes are high, but in person there’s no sexual attraction for me. Even so, she’s really sweet and we have a fun evening together, sipping cocktails, exchanging our best curry recipes, and debating whether to wear leather in the summer. (Pro: looking v cool. Con: becoming the sweatiest person alive.) We end the night with a hug, as friends.
Friday
I meet K, a musician and chef, at one of my favourite pubs. We’re sat outside in the beer garden under an awning and when it starts to rain neither of us can remember the word for the delicious smell of rain hitting the earth (it’s petrichor, if you’re wondering). Things are flirty in a slow, cheeky way and, after a couple drinks, they invite me back to theirs, where we make out and dry hump on the sofa like horny teenagers for a solid 90 minutes. I’m keen to take things further, but they want to wait, and we dine out on this exquisite sexual tension for the rest of the evening. When I eventually head home, my entire body is tingling with excitement. What a divine date, I really hope this isn’t the last I see of them.
Saturday
I’m still reeling from last night, and take Saturday easy (and, not going to lie, spend a few hours dreaming up a fantasy future life with K; my post-date brain is mush and I am crushing harder than I’d anticipated). My bank account is also crying out for a rest, I forgot how much consistent spending there is when you’re dating! I go for a walk, cook a banging beetroot curry, inspired by my conversation with D, and watch a film. As much as I enjoy the company of others, I can’t lie, I bloody love spending time by myself. With so much of the week spent scrolling through apps and meeting new people, a wholesome solo day was just what I needed to recalibrate.
Sunday
I’ve saved the wildest date to end the week. A and I meet at a pub and immediately hit it off. She is drop-dead gorgeous and I can tell I’m into her because I’m trying to be coy but can’t help being a giddy fool from the moment we start chatting. After a quick drink we head to Joyride, a queer rave and sex party. I’ve not been in a space like this for a few years and it’s like stepping into Wonderland — if Wonderland was full of hot people in kink- and fetish-wear down to fuck. I will admit it was a gamble getting back into these sexy spaces with someone I’ve never met, but we were both planning on going anyway, and lord has it paid off. We peep our heads into the playroom but get too nervous to head in, and instead spend hours on the dancefloor melting into one another. In a more conventional club I’d be on guard, as it doesn’t always feel safe making out as two femmes and it’s refreshing to not feel any creepy men’s eyes on us; we can truly relax into the moment. At the end of the night, we stop for chips and get the bus home together. This was only ever going to be a one-night thing — she heads back to Canada in a couple days — but that doesn’t stop our time spent together feeling intimate, caring, and very, very hot.
I start the following week bleary-eyed and groggy, but with the biggest grin on my face. K and I have been chatting since our date, and we’re hanging out again soon. Eek! I’ve met some truly glorious people this week and have still taken the time to be by myself and rest when I’ve needed to. I’m feeling excited for the adventures the next few months will bring.
The Non-Monogamy Playbook by Ruby Rare is out via Penguin on January 30, 2025
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