Women Are Sharing Things That Dads Always Get Wrong While Raising Daughters, And All Men Should Take Notes
A parent's toxic behavior doesn't necessarily have to do with their child's gender. But that's not always the case. There are moms who nitpick their daughters' looks and dads who pass down their toxic masculinity to their sons.
Father-daughter relationships seem to have their own unique set of problems. So, when u/Bluemonday82 over on the AskReddit subreddit asked, "daughters of Reddit" to share the biggest mistakes they think dads make when it comes to raising daughters, the comments poured in. Here are some of the most relatable and eye-opening things that women said fathers tend to get wrong while raising daughters:
1."My dad and I recently talked about how he stopped showing physical affection when I hit puberty (20 years ago). He didn't know how to act because his sisters got treated inappropriately by others when he was young, and he wanted to be sure I never felt like that. And it resulted in me not getting hugs or kisses on the cheeks anymore."
"He also didn't know how to talk about it. But in the last few years, he worked through a lot and apologized. We hugged for a really long time after that, and we've been hugging extra tight ever since. So I guess what I wanna say is, don't treat your daughters differently when their bodies start to change. And always keep talking! I'm so proud of my dad for the person he's become."
2."Not having anything to do with their daughters because he 'doesn't have anything in common with a girl.' This goes double if a son shows up and the dad is really involved in the son's life."
—[deleted]
3."Literally knowing nothing about their daughters' lives. Those ‘funny’ videos where they ask fathers basic questions — like what their daughters' birthday, eye color, or school is — and the dads have no idea are not at all funny. I love my dad but he can’t tell you anything about me, even the name of the place I’ve worked for over six years."
4."Acting like periods are disgusting."
—[deleted]
"My dad was so embarrassed, starting at age 11, I had to go to a separate checkout line to buy pads. I was so embarrassed at that age because he’d accidentally made me feel like it was something terrible."
5."The whole 'tell your boyfriend I've got a shotgun' mentality. That's the quickest way to teach your daughters to hide boyfriends from you. Firstly, it's unnerving and secondly, it means you don't trust their choices. It's much better to have a home where the boys are expected to come in and meet you, you can get a feeling about them, and then you can have a rational discussion with your daughters later on. And not a raging 'get rid of him' kind of chat, but a chat where you say, 'I didn't like how he said this to you,' 'Does he respect you,' etc. She'll be more likely to come to you if she's worried or unsure about things. An open dialogue like this is much better than telling her you know better. Odds are, you DO know better. But telling her that shuts her down, and she'll feel like you don't value her thoughts or opinions. So she won't open up to you again."
6."Expecting your daughter to do all the physical and mental labor your wife does when your wife is not around."
7."Not teaching us the same things they teach their sons, i.e., car maintenance, how to build things, power tools, etc."
"Assume we can’t do things you’d normally do with a son. We want to go fishing and throw balls around, too!"
8."Treating women poorly."
"Fathers need to treat all women with respect, not just ones they find attractive. So many men do this, and I don’t think they’re totally aware of it, but it’s damaging. My dad has plenty of women he is genuinely friends with and always treats them as full humans."
9."Expecting different things from their daughters than their sons, especially when it comes to household chores. Like, the son mows the lawn once a week but the daughter has to do all the dishes, sweep the floors, and fold the laundry every day."
10."Not controlling your temper. Even if you are someone who would never put your hands on her, it’s still scary. You can always use your size and voice to win arguments so you have to make an active effort to never pick up those 'tools' because they will always enable you to win. Even if she knows she is safe with you, it is still scary and lowers her self-esteem."
11."Not listening when your child says 'no.' I’m not talking about issues of health and safety but more general, like, 'I don’t want to be tickled right now' or 'Please don’t call me that nickname you think is cute, but I’ve told you I dislike.' She HAS TO be able to trust that the first important man in her life will listen when she expresses what she will and won’t consent to."
12."Thinking that your daughter's emotional needs are being met by her mother. Even if mom and daughter are very close and talk often, it is still important to ask your daughter about her day, her relationships, and her triumphs and struggles. My mom is my best friend, but our relationship was more volatile than my relationship with my dad, and I was scared of disappointing her. My dad was often neutral territory and got to hear all the gossip before mom did. My dad was awesome!"
13."I can't speak for anyone else, but my standards for how I expected to be treated in a relationship came from watching my dad interact with my mom. And surprise, surprise, my first relationship was with an emotionally abusive and controlling person who made me feel like I was worth nothing. (I went to therapy and now I'm in a healthy relationship and don't speak to my parents). So I would say the way you treat your wife is a good predictor of the relationships your daughter will probably default toward in the future."
14."Expecting that we will accept their wrongs as easily and readily as our mothers did."
—[deleted]
15."Doubting the sincerity/professionalism/skill of other women they encounter because they’re women. One time at a car show, my dad said, 'You know they only put that woman on the mechanics team for one reason' (hinting that the reason was for eye candy). It stayed with me. I had been dealing with a lot of sexism in the industry I was pursuing — making a connection inevitably led to a request for a dinner date or a sexual proposition — and it really made me depressed to hear my dad say something like that about a woman who probably really did have an interest in cars. He didn’t get why I was so upset."
16."Neglecting us because they really wanted a son."
17."The one mistake my dad made was not really being present. A lot of the memories I have are of him watching TV or being on the computer and not having time to play with me. He always said he was too tired or that he would come play later, but he never did. So since we never really bonded when I was little, we weren’t all that close as I grew older either."
"It hurts to have that 'loving but distant' father, and it absolutely impacts how we interact with men in our daily lives."
18."Not showing a healthy range of emotions or how to work with emotions. My dad was of the 'emotions are irrational and should be shut down' camp, i.e., screaming at me to stop crying. Of course, anger didn’t count as an emotion."
19.And finally, "My dad didn't do any of the stereotypical mistakes. But as a fully grown woman, I can now look back and see how my dad never complimented me. He never called me beautiful, intelligent, talented, kind, or anything like that. And I was. I was a lovely, smart, motivated, and talented kid. But I was deeply insecure. I think a little encouragement would've done me so much good."
What do you think is the biggest mistake dads make while raising daughters? Let me know in the comments below!
