How to Deal With Being the Only Single Person in Your Friend Group
If you’re the token single in your group of friends, every wedding invite and sappy Instagram post can feel like a reminder that everyone else is in love—and (news flash!) you’re still alone.
You’re probably happy to see your favorite people thriving in their relationships. But still, being the odd one out can be a tough pill to swallow, Jayne Miller, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in New York City, tells SELF. Generally, “it’s always a challenge to feel like an outsider or outlier,” Dr. Miller says.
You may get jealous, frustrated, insecure, or lonely when you can’t fully relate to your pals about their date nights, say, or engagement plans. Plus, you might feel added pressure to settle down ASAP, just to fit in, which can be pretty overwhelming.
As much as it can suck to be the only person in the squad who hasn’t found love, your relationship status doesn’t have to hurt your confidence—or your friendships. Below, therapists share their top tips for feeling less isolated and shitty when everyone around you is coupled up.
1. Look beyond your little world and remember you’re not the only single person out there.
When you’re surrounded by happy lovebirds, it’s natural to slip into a self-doubt spiral, particularly if you’re yearning for what they have. What’s wrong with me? Why haven’t I found someone yet? But keep in mind, your small circle of partnered pals isn’t representative of what’s “normal,” Jenny Taitz, PsyD, Los Angeles–based clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate, tells SELF.
“It’s easy to become your own bully and assume everyone else’s life is moving on and yours isn’t,” Dr. Taitz says. “But rather than getting stuck in that mindset and comparing yourself to your friends, it’s important to challenge this negative self-talk with kindness.” This could include reminding yourself that countless other humans in the world haven’t found their soulmate yet—just look at how many people are using dating apps right now! This reality check, she says, can help you feel less like you’re drowning alone in a sea of couples.
It also doesn’t hurt to expand your social circle to include fellow singles you can relate to, Dr. Taitz adds. (We get it: Making new friends as an adult is hard, but these tips should make the process feel less daunting.)
2. Take advantage of the single life.
There are plenty of negative clichés about how much it sucks to be single (think “forever alone” memes and the classic “cat lady” stereotype). In reality, flying solo has some serious perks, Patrice Le Goy, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist, tells SELF—and embracing these bright sides can help ease any pangs of insecurity or envy.
For one, consider all the free time and flexibility you have to explore new hobbies and interests—like learning a new language or finally booking that dream solo trip. When your friends complain about their SO’s messy habits, say, or vent about their unbearable in-laws, be grateful you get to dodge that drama entirely. Plus, your married posse probably can’t flirt with that hottie at the bar—but you absolutely can! “Sometimes we can get so caught up in wanting to be in a relationship that we forget being single can be a time to focus on ourselves and our happiness,” Le Goy says.
3. Redefine what it means to third-wheel.
Being the third (or fourth or fifth) wheel doesn’t have to be this uncomfortable scene where a lovestruck twosome is lost in their own world as you sit alone in the corner, clutching your wine glass. With the right activity and setting, you can turn these outings into fun and not-at-all-awkward experiences.
For example, instead of joining a cozy dinner for three (which might make you feel like a tagalong), propose a game night at your place or a trivia event at the laid-back (and way less intimate) sports bar in your neighborhood. Or, maybe you suggest an outdoor group activity like hiking or playing pickleball. Plans that include everyone equally can shift the vibe from “you vs. the couple(s)” to a group of pals having a blast all together, Le Goy says.
4. Create a game plan for relationship-centric holidays and events.
If special occasions like Valentine’s Day or weddings remind you of your chronically single status, Le Goy suggests keeping yourself busy during these times. While you can’t predict how lonely, stressed, or bitter you’ll feel, having a plan in place can at least help you feel more in control of a potentially overwhelming situation, she says.
For example, you could organize a “Palentine’s” celebration on the 14th, turning a couples-focused holiday into an inclusive social event (with cheesy movies and heart-shaped treats). Before a big wedding that’s stressing you out, ask to bring a buddy as your guest (if that’s allowed) to avoid feeling so alone. If that’s not an option, maybe treat yourself afterward: DoorDash your favorite comfort meal once you get home, or prearrange a hang with a friend immediately after the celebration. (Think of these post-event plans as little rewards, to give you something to look forward to.)
5. Dodge nosy questions about your love life with a clever diversion.
One of the more annoying parts of being the single friend is fielding questions (and concerns) about your love life—or lack thereof. Have you met anyone yet? When are you going to settle down? Are you on the dating apps?
If you’d rather avoid these intrusive queries, Dr. Miller recommends gently pivoting the conversation to other interesting aspects of your life that have nothing to do with who you’re (not) seeing. For instance, you could respond with, “No, I’m not dating right now, but I just applied to this new job and I’m feeling really good about how it went.”
By casually highlighting your achievements and interests, you subtly remind your pals (and yourself) that your worth isn’t tied to who you’re with—and that being single doesn’t automatically mean your life’s mission is to find the One. Constantly redirecting these questions can be draining, though—which brings us to our final pointer…
6. Be honest when you’re feeling left out—but don’t turn it into a “choose them or me” situation.
You don’t have to be a romance Grinch to occasionally feel irritated or out of place with your cuffed buddies. Maybe you’re tired of hearing them gush about their sex lives during every Bachelorette night, or it drives you up a wall seeing your bestie and their SO constantly kiss and snuggle right in front of you.
It’s not fair to expect them to never talk about, see, or touch their partners just because you don’t have one. However, it’s totally okay—encouraged, even—to set respectful boundaries when their behavior makes you uneasy. If their nonstop relationship inside jokes, say, or couples-only group chats are causing you to feel left out, Dr. Taitz suggests bringing up your concerns with something along the lines of, “I’m so happy for you, but I’m burnt out from the dating talk these days. Could we talk about something else?”
Or if your pal’s incessant PDA is getting on your last nerve, privately tell them, “Look, you guys are really cute, but it’s awkward for me to see you all over each other when we’re together. Could we be a bit more mindful about that going forward?”
Having these tough talks can be intimidating, but setting boundaries isn’t about punishing your friends or knocking their relationships. It’s about making sure everyone, you included, feels comfortable and respected. That way, your hangs can be more fun and fulfilling—and not another painful reminder that you’re the odd friend out.
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Originally Appeared on SELF
