Dear Richard Madeley: My boyfriend’s ex-wife is using my ex’s dodgy past in their custody battle
Dear Richard,
I was seeing a lovely guy who is embroiled in a custody dispute with his ex-wife and is trying to increase the amount of ‘staying contact’ he has with their children (aged between five and 11). I have kids of similar ages and we were all getting on nicely. Then his ex did a bit of online sleuthing and found out some insalubrious things about my children’s dad (problems with drugs and some legal issues), which were part of the reason I finished with him four years ago. He is not really part of our lives any more, which is how I like it.
The problem is, I think she leant on my boyfriend with the threat that she’d use my past relationship against him in his negotiations. He then finished things with me, unwillingly, or so I honestly believe (we were both in tears). Obviously our kids must come first and he would be devastated if his attempt to see a bit more of his were to founder, but I can’t see that my ex’s past is a material part of his kids’ life, any more than it is of my kids’, and it shouldn’t be considered as such in court.
I’d like to stay in touch with this guy and keep the possibility of being together on the cards, but this might mean grasping the nettle and engaging with his ex, which I’m loath to do. Must I just stand on the sidelines and see how it pans out?
— S, via email
Dear S,
One thing I quickly discovered in my role as agony uncle was the reflex tendency to side with whoever has taken the trouble to write to me. That can be unhelpful; my job is to offer objective, sometimes unvarnished advice.
When I first read your letter, I saw the problem purely through your eyes, and I felt genuine sympathy for you. I still do. But that won’t get us anywhere. What I am going to do is ask you to tap into your inner reserves of empathy. You may dislike the fact that this woman has gone snooping behind your back; you may even feel that she’s weaponising your ex to gain advantage in this custody battle, or simply to drive a wedge between you and her former husband. But I want you to set those feelings aside: to see this situation through the eyes of this other woman, mother to mother.
Put yourself in her position. You learn that your children may come into contact with a man who has had issues so ‘insalubrious’ (your word, S) that they led you to finish with him. What would your response be? I don’t really need to ask, do I? It would be protective. You’d lay down strict conditions on your ex’s access to his children if you were at all concerned about the company his new partner was keeping.
Now to your (currently ex-) boyfriend. His children are the most important people in his life. Empathy time again: of course he’s going to put his relationship with you on hold – perhaps indefinitely – if that helps secure more ‘staying contact’ with his kids.
So much for the facts, and the powerful emotions they are provoking. Now to some practical ideas on moving forward. I suggest you do reach out to the ex-wife. If, as you say, your former partner is no longer ‘really’ a part of your or your children’s lives, explain what that means – both now and in the future, when your kids will have ideas of their own about what they do or don’t want from their dad. Offer her the kind of assurances you would want to hear if your positions were reversed.
Obviously you should talk all this through with your former, and perhaps future, boyfriend. He needs to be
completely in the loop. But I honestly think this offers the possibility of a way forward – for all of you. Good luck.
