"If You Are Debating Having Children, Please Stop And Listen": This Mom's Brutally Honest Warning Is Making Millions Of Women Reconsider What They Thought They Wanted In Life
Meet 30-year-old Sabrina, a first-time mom to her 9-month-old daughter, Harlie. She is currently generating an important discussion about motherhood on the internet.
It all started last week when Sabrina decided to make this confessional-style video about her experience so far. She starts the video by sharing, "If you are debating having children, please stop and listen. My dream since I was a little girl was to have a baby. I wanted to be a mom," you can then hear her daughter start fussing, so she stops recording to tend to her before continuing, "All I ever wanted was one little girl, and I was going to name her Harlie, and my dream was going to be...that was it. That was the dream."
Sabrina goes on to share how everything she wanted came true. "I actually was given my dream. I married everything I ever put on paper for a guy that I would want. He's that and more. And then I get pregnant, and I have a daughter, I have a girl. Oh, my God, dream come true. I was like, This is great because I've only really ever wanted one child, and I wanted just one girl. And it was like, well, thank you."
"God, I regret making being a mom my dream, and I wish that I did not have that as a dream. I have been severely disappointed with the dream," she admitted, adding, "And my daughter is the cutest, most beautiful, fun, smart little girl, and I love her more than anything on this planet."
"I would give my life for her in two seconds. I would do it all over again for her, a million times over. All of that is facts, but what also is a fact at the same time is I was dreaming of a life that I had no idea — no idea what it was about. It's not just a few moments of like, 'No, don't do that,' a few smelly diapers, and you're just gonna have this happy-go-lucky fucking family. No, that's not reality. That's not real life," she continued.
"You know what is real life? Me, being at home, thinking that being a stay-at-home mom was a dream, and I actually was given the opportunity. Now we're in a position where I don't have a choice but to stay home right now. It's temporary. It's temporary. Thank God. But being a mother is the most draining experience of your life."
"It changes every single person around you, every single person around you, every single friend, every family member, the relationship with your husband, the relationship with yourself. I am so fat I don't recognize myself at all. I was so much more fit before I had her; I was geared the fuck in. None of my clothes fit me. My husband works a lot more than he used to, so spending time with him, it's not like it used to be. We are in bed the latest at nine o'clock every day."
"The world is the most terrifying place that it's ever been for us as a country and the thought that I can't do whatever I have to do to survive because I have her, and I need to make sure that she survives, and I'm terrified of what her future is going to look like. I can't take a shit by myself. I can't eat when I want to. I can't go out and just get a Dunkin' whenever I want to. I can't film a video whenever I want to. I can't scream whenever I want to. I can't go to dinner whenever I want to."
"And let me, let me explain this, because if someone were to tell me that with how bad I wanted children I would have just said I'm willing to make that sacrifice. I love my future baby more than anything in the world. I want to make that sacrifice. You don't know what you don't know," she goes on, explaining how she feels she has been changed for the worst in some ways.
"I wish I got it earlier. I wish I had the click earlier that this isn't a life path that I have to take as a woman. If you are childfree, sometimes all you have to know is that you would be a good mother. Sometimes, you just have to tell yourself, 'If I had kids, I would be the best mom' — and you would have confidence in that — and then choose to not have children. I am trying to save you. Dream bigger. Dream bigger."
"Do not try to make the family that you've always wanted. Don't even do it. Don't do it. Go travel, bitch. Go be hot. Go create your family with friends and experiences and yourself and your spirituality and nature because — hot take — my child is the best thing in the world, and I love her so much, but I hate how much I love her. I hate the things that I know that I'm capable of doing to protect her, especially in the state of the world right now...bitch, don't do it. I am terrified for her future every day."
"It is not worth it. It is not worth it. Do not have children. Do not do it to yourself. There is no return receipt. She is almost 9 months old, and I am still in the trenches, in the fucking mental trenches, okay? The rage I have inside of me, the depression and the wanting to I have inside of me, even with a supportive partner, even with a person that's your help, your village, sometimes it doesn't matter."
"It doesn't matter. It still fucking sucks because a baby for many, many, many, many years — not just in a newborn for many years — bitch, they are a parasite, and that means that they will not only suck every fucking thing of your energy, but they will also suck every ounce of your soul from your body. And I would do it for her, but I wouldn't ever do it again for a nonexistent child. No, no, I know better. Now. I'm smart. Would never do it again."
"So listen, there's other people that are gonna detest me... I'm sure, in the comments. There will be people that agree with me. I'm just saying my viewpoint matters here. I'm a mom of a 9-month-old. I'm 30 years old. I waited, I did everything right, and it's still the hardest thing I've ever done, and it still fucking sucks. It fucking sucks most of the time. It sucks. I'm angry and tired and annoyed and depressed and fat more times than I am happy. I'm happy when she's smiling, when she's laughing. I'm happy in those moments, and then every other moment, I'm miserable. So don't do it, especially with the climate right now in the world, do not do it."
You can watch Sabrina's full video here.
Sabrina's video has garnered nearly 7 million views, and this doesn't include all the other people making reaction videos with millions of views. In general, people respect how vulnerable she was in sharing her thoughts.
And, even though some mothers are reacting with negative opinions, most are defending Sabrina by pointing out that she isn't sugarcoating real life as a mom.
In fact, women who are considering motherhood are thanking her for giving them a perspective to think more deeply about.
Although it is not often addressed, the topic of moms grieving their decision to have children is not new.
The top-liked comment on the above article said, "This is why people need to stop telling people who opt to forgo having children 'you’ll regret it.' Yeah, well, so do people who do, and it's worse to regret something that is than something that could have been. Way worse." —Perry
BuzzFeed spoke to Sabrina who said she was expecting a lot more backlash than she got after posting the TikTok. "I just have had these waves of grief in motherhood so deeply and felt alone. I had no one in my personal life who had ever opened up to that degree. I said to myself that even if one person hears this who needs to — who knows they’re not alone and I’m also having a hard time with them — then maybe we could have this 'virtual village.'"
Sabrina also emphasized how being confident in herself as a mom helped her share what she did. "I know how much I love my daughter and don’t feel the need to prove I’m a good mom to anyone. I also love womanhood and felt if I’m brave enough to be hated then I should be the one to say it."
Since Sabrina's video has gone so viral, she admitted it has been a bit overwhelming. "The amount of women who felt heard from my vulnerability was worth it. Clearly, women are starving for it because the comments make that very clear. I’m just a regular person. I’m not an influencer, I’m a regular girl who just so happens to be a mom now. And I also just so happen to not have shame when saying how I feel," she said.
The true sacrifice of motherhood is the biggest thing Sabrina has realized. "The sacrifice of my body, my lifestyle, my mental health, my career, my relationships with friends and family. There is not one part of my life that wasn’t affected. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that a lot of my life would be different, but my friendships changing, my relationship dynamics with my family changed, even my desire in my healthcare career changed. I worked very hard in my career and was dreaming of advancing further," she shared.
"But when I saw my five-pound baby girl in my hands, it all changed. None of it mattered anymore. I think a lot of women can empathize with that identity crisis. Society, especially other women, just want you to feel nothing but grateful because 'babies are a blessing,' and I was lucky to have a healthy baby — which I am grateful for. But I’m also grieving deeply. I’m grieving my old self, my old freedom; I’m sad for the girl who had such a solid identity because now it’s not so solid. I’m slowly rebuilding it, and it’s definitely a process that has no exact road path. But all of these feelings can be true at once, and I think that is what people fail to understand. Nothing is black and white."
Sabrina also could not have prepared herself for how much she loves Harlie. "It’s scary how much I love her because there is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect her. That side of motherhood feels almost animalistic. I knew I would love her, but I could never understand to what degree." She added, "What exhausts me the most about motherhood is it just doesn’t stop. Even if, for the day, she’s at my mother’s house, I think about her, wondering if she misses me, checking in often. It doesn’t end. There is no such thing as clocking out even when I’m getting an actual physical break, my mental never does. It can be exhausting."
And Sabrina said that even though she feels lucky to be able to be a stay-at-home mom now, she would be lying if she said she didn't miss working. "It’s funny because I always hated going to work and now I view it as a privilege. I envy the little things about it. Watching my husband get dressed nicely, the quiet drive to work, the mundane office conversations he must have. But then I remember that he envies me equally. He sees the bond we have from spending every moment together. How I’m the primary parent, and she wants me most of the time. He adores Harlie so deeply, and she is all about mommy right now. So, I guess the grass is always greener. I wouldn’t change it."
"I hope women of all ages take from my video that you’re not alone. And for the women like me that have dreamed of being a mom since they had their first baby doll, I want them to know that you will be okay with or without that experience of motherhood. You have so much more time than you realize...but there is no rush. I think making a child your dream is a dangerous game. It’s one thing to have it on your list of things you might like to do in your life journey, but to aspire to do just that is setting yourself up for heartbreak and confusion. Take me as an example. I think if society, other women, and even myself didn’t dress up motherhood, I wouldn’t have felt so confused. I felt like I should have had this 'I arrived' moment and instead I thought, 'This is it?' And I’m not saying that my daughter isn’t enough; she is a person who is enough on her own, but I cannot expect my love for her and raising her to fulfill something in my heart. I put motherhood on a pedestal and was very wrong."
Finally — if nothing else — Sabrina hopes all women take away at least one message: Dream bigger. "Dream bigger than what the standard is, because if women can do this, we can truly do anything. Go on a safari as a solo traveler to Botswana or visit Pompeii, go have a croissant in Paris, or hike in Montana. Go get your PhD or start new hobbies that you never thought you would, and go explore your soul. Whatever dream big means to you, I encourage you to embark on that journey."
"...I will also one day go on a safari in Botswana; it’s just going to take a lot longer than I’d wish now. I am doing everything I need for myself and for my family to seek help with navigating these feelings. I have a therapy appointment set up. If you are struggling, or pregnant and scared, I encourage everyone to seek out therapy, a support group, or even just take a look in the comments of the video. You are not alone, and when you’re crying in the night trying to get your baby to sleep, know that millions of other women are also doing the same thing at the same time."
Sabrina is going to continue to use social media as a tool to create community within womanhood. She plans to launch a YouTube channel this year, and you can follow her on TikTok.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
