Household chores don't have to be gendered. How parents can talk to kids about division of labour: Experts

For Canadian TV host Danielle Graham, it was just another day in October. Watching her husband cut one of their daughter’s hair, the only person to ever give her a haircut, she took a video of the heartwarming moment. “[It] was really special and lovely and the kids were so calm and at peace,” Graham tells Yahoo Canada. “I just thought, what a great peek into what could be considered not a normal gender role.”

In the Oct. 27 video of her husband, the host wrote on-screen: “How Randall and I divide routine maintenance of the kids: He’s responsible for the neck up, hair washing and cuts, dentist appointments, optometrist appointments. I’m responsible for the neck down. Pediatrician appointments, vaccinations and flu shots, nail grooming.”

Later in the caption, Graham continued, sharing that both parents “stay in our ‘routine maintenance’ lanes,” meaning “just a little less clutter up in each of our heads which is a welcome break for both of us.”

She posted the video on a whim while sitting at her daughter’s gymnastic’s class before throwing her phone in her purse and forgetting about it. When she pulled her phone out of her bag a short time later, the responses flooded in. Hundreds of the television personalities' more than 42,000 followers shared their enthusiasm for this concept, calling it “brilliant” and complimenting the couple for their openness.

“We're seven-and-a-half years into this parenting thing, so it was a lot of trial and error to figure out how we each communicate the needs of the family [and] the needs of ourselves,” Graham explains. “It took a while and a lot of conversations.”

In late November, Cityline host Tracy Moore also took to Instagram to share her philosophy when it comes to household tasks and her children, sharing a video of her son sweeping in their kitchen and writing: “One rule in our house is there are no rules on the division of labour. If you walk into the kitchen and see dishes and you have the capacity to wash dishes...go wash them...I love this and I love even more that our son is catching on via osmosis.”

The division of labour has historically fallen more on women

Historically, the division of household work between heterosexual couples has been pretty gendered, with women — who largely stayed home until the 1950s — taking on the lion's share of chores, especially when it comes to child care. While there has been slight changes in this divide, according to Toronto-based sex and relationship therapist Kat Kova, unequal division of labour in the household is still a big topic when it comes to couples.

“A lot of women will complain about not having enough energy left over at the end of the day after they've gone to work, most of them taking care of the kids and then taking care of more of the household chores,” Kova tells Yahoo Canada.

It's something that can have negative effects, where “people end up feeling lonely and isolated, like they're carrying the burden for everybody else,” according to Winnipeg-based therapist Olivia Assuncao. It can also be, as Kova notes, a “breeding ground” for resentment between partners, or it can bring feelings of guilt or shame to the partner who may be taking on less work down the road.

“Division of labour is hugely symbolic of how each person feels they're being cared for in [a] relationship,” Assuncao adds. “That's one of the places for the litmus test of how well or how responsive we might feel our partner is.”

For Graham, initially taking on too much as a new mother was influenced by the “motherhood as martyrdom” construct in which she, and many millennials, were raised. After her second daughter came, she says she remembers “feeling like, ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is a lot and I don’t feel great about it either.’”

So, she and her husband had a discussion, breaking up their tasks to best suit their individual strengths.

Set up weekly meetings, experts suggest

Setting up weekly meetings is a tactic both Assuncao and Kova recommend for partners who want to have an honest discussion about the division of work in the household.

“I often suggest something that I call a manager's meeting,” Assuncao says. “Let's get together, everybody brings their important list of things that they have done and then we create a shared calendar and we decide who's taking on that task.”

Kova suggests a weekly check-in for partners about anything that may have come up over the previous week, during a time that’s more relaxed, and using receptive and calm language that won’t lead to an argument.

“Just say: 'How do you feel about our relationship this week? How did this issue that we've had in the past, gendered division of labor, how did that feel for you this week? What are you learning? Is there anything that's come up that you've recognized as a need for further conversations and that you'd like me to be aware of or more mindful of?'” Kova says. “And just start there.”

It's important to include kids in these discussions, too

Include your children in these meetings from an early age, geared towards their level of responsibility.

“If they're a toddler and their task is putting away their toys once they're done playing, that's their part of the meeting,” Assuncao says. “We want to include them and make them feel like they're important and their actions are important as soon as you can, that their behaviour affects other people and they also contribute to the mechanics of a working household.”

For Kova, it’s important to have these conversations to push back against our inherent expectations and biases.

“There's a long, long, long, long history of a gendered, division of labour that we need to bring to the surface so that we're not operating on assumptions and expectations that are, in essence, unfair and more of a burden on some folks than others,” she says.

Like Cityline host Tracy Moore, Graham and her partner have introduced the idea of pitching in to their daughters from an early age, enforcing the idea they can help out at home if they see something that can be done and is within their capacity to do.

“[Something like], you could pick up that thing that you've walked over now six times; I don't have to do that, because we are all working as a team here,” Graham says.

When it comes to the division of tasks within relationships, her daughters are learning by example everyday they can go to both mom and dad for help. By doing so, Graham is pushing back on the idea there is only one — martyr-specific — way to be a mom.

“I reiterate it a lot with my kids that I am a whole person, not just your mom,” Graham says. “I love being your mom the most in the whole wide world, but I'm also a whole person who has needs and we need a break.”

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