I don’t want to be a helicopter parent—but parenting today makes it hard to let go
Every generation has its parenting trends. “The Greatest Generation” had the idealized “perfect family”—a “picture perfect” two-parent, gender-divided home in the suburbs, that was probably more trope than reality.
The Baby Boomers brought us parent-as-life coach/ friend/chauffeur and manager. At best, it’s a nurturing style done out of love and wanting the best for your kids. At worst, it’s called “helicopter parenting,” the idea that parents try to protect their kids from all harm and difficulty, only to make their kids incapable of caring for themselves.
And our Millennial generation has a “free-range” parenting trend, a backlash against the overly-controlled childhood aimed at teaching kids to rise to life’s challenges.
All of this talk about gender roles, helicopter parenting, grit and independence has me wondering—what kind of parent do I want to be?
What is a helicopter parent?
A helicopter parent is a caregiver who is overly involved in their child’s life, often micromanaging their experiences to ensure safety, success, and happiness. This parenting style comes from a place of love and a deep desire to protect, but it can sometimes hinder a child’s ability to develop independence, problem-solving skills, and resilience.
The term “helicopter parenting” was first coined in the 1969 book Parents & Teenagers by Dr. Haim Ginott, where teens described their parents as hovering over them like helicopters. Over time, the phrase has come to represent a highly involved, sometimes overprotective approach to parenting, often characterized by constant supervision, intervention, and decision-making on behalf of the child.
While helicopter parenting can help children feel supported, studies suggest that it may also lead to increased anxiety, difficulty coping with failure, and a lack of confidence in decision-making as they grow older. Many parents—myself included—struggle to find the balance between healthy involvement and overprotection.
The fine line between protecting and hovering
Do I want to give my kids a picture-perfect childhood? Do I want to control them and make sure every good thing is done to them and for them? Do I want to set them free to figure it all out on their own? Defining the parent I want to be—and deciding what values drive my day-to-day parenting decisions—can be complicated.
The truth is, “helicoptering” comes easy to me, even when I know it’s good for my children to work hard, face obstacles, and experience the pride of genuine achievement.
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent—but I want to make sure my kids have the best opportunities in life, especially in things that I may have missed out on in my own childhood. (Though I’m sure I’m pushing my own values on them and they will find their own way to rebel….)
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent—but I want to make sure they always look both ways before they cross the street, have their carseat properly installed, and are aware of dangers in our world. (Though I teach them these things and do my best to keep them in safe situations…)
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent—but having faith that they’ll be safe when they’re out of my sight is really hard for me. (Though I say a prayer and trust in the universe…)
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent—but sometimes doing things for them can be so much easier/ faster/ better than letting them do it for themselves. (Though I try to be patient…)
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent—but I set up play dates, schedule after-school activities, and encourage them socially so that my children can make new friends. (Though I’m sure they will find true friends in their own time…)
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent—but watching my little ones struggle can be hard for my mama heart. (So I hope they know I’m doing this because I love them…)
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent—but protecting my kids comes easy. Giving them space to struggle and grow is essential, but hard, for both of us.
Why helicopter parenting happens (and why it’s so hard to avoid)
Helicopter parenting doesn’t come from a desire to control—it comes from love, fear, and the natural instinct to protect. Many of us hover over our children because we want to keep them safe, set them up for success, or give them what we may have lacked growing up. But even when we know that over-involvement can hold our kids back, stepping away is easier said than done.
Fear is a major driver of helicopter parenting. We live in a world where dangers—both real and perceived—feel overwhelming. From safety concerns to academic pressures, it’s easy to believe that if we don’t intervene, our kids will struggle, fail, or get hurt. We research the best schools, double-check their car seats, and step in when conflicts arise, all in an effort to protect them.
Our own childhood experiences also shape how we parent. If we felt unsupported or faced obstacles alone, we may overcorrect by becoming deeply involved in our child’s life. On the flip side, if our own parents were highly protective, we may instinctively follow their lead without even realizing it.
Social pressure adds another layer to helicopter parenting. Modern parenting comes with an overwhelming amount of information, expert advice, and (let’s be honest) judgment. Whether it’s comparing milestones, feeling the weight of academic competition, or simply wanting to be a “good parent,” it’s easy to feel like we have to be involved in every aspect of our child’s life.
Breaking free from helicopter parenting isn’t about letting go completely—it’s about recognizing when our involvement helps and when it holds our children back.
How I try to balance helicopter parenting with independence
Finding the balance between protecting my kids and giving them space to grow isn’t easy, but here’s what helps:
Teach instead of do – I show them how to tie their shoes, solve problems, and make decisions instead of stepping in.
Allow safe risks – Climbing higher, making their own snacks, or handling small conflicts helps build confidence.
Pause before intervening – I ask myself, Do they truly need my help, or can they figure this out?
Trust their abilities – Giving them responsibilities—like packing their backpack—reinforces independence.
Encourage problem-solving – Instead of fixing everything, I guide them to find their own solutions.
Letting go is hard, but small steps toward independence help them grow—and remind me that they’re more capable than I think.
The bottom line
Helicopter parenting comes from love, but too much hovering can hold kids back. Finding the balance—teaching instead of doing, allowing safe risks, and trusting their abilities—helps them grow into confident, capable individuals. Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.
