Experts Agree That Loving Who You Are Has a Tangible Effect on Your Health and Happiness
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The first step in learning to love yourself is understanding the meaning of self-love. Think of it in the context of the love you have for your partner or a close friend: You are aware of their flaws but appreciate how those imperfections make up the person you care about, trust and support. Now turn all that compassion, forgiveness and understanding inward. “Self-love means accepting your strengths, your weaknesses and everything in between,” says Hannah Elise Rose, LCPC, a therapist in private practice in Baltimore. When you have self-love, she says, you can acknowledge your mistakes and work toward changing them or making amends, but also forgive yourself rather than dwelling on your shortcomings.
Besides, a lack of self-love can adversely affect your well-being. Research has found that low self-esteem is correlated with depression and poorer mental and physical health
overall. “Depression gets you into a rut of thinking very negatively about yourself,” explains Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Mill Valley, CA, and the author of The Stress-Proof Brain. “If you have self-love, you’re challenging that thought pattern. You’re less likely to dwell on it.” And even if you’re not experiencing any depressive symptoms, Greenberg says having self-love will make you more resilient through negative life events you may experience. “Self-love reduces your suffering,” she says. In other words, it can help you comfort yourself in tough moments and come out feeling calmer. Here are five easy ways to boost your feelings of self-love, from Hamilton and other experts.
Pay attention to your posture.
Hamilton studied the latest research in brain chemistry, neuroscience, psychotherapy and personal development techniques, using himself as a guinea pig. He describes the results and offers dozens of techniques to improve your self-love in his 2015 book I Heart Me: The Science of Self-Love. One of Hamilton’s first major steps toward self-love was to tune in to his body language and posture. “There’s a two-way relationship between your mind and your body,” he says. Each morning for about a month, he practiced a “power pose,” a technique like standing tall with your hands on your hips made popular by social psychologist Amy Cuddy. Throughout the day, he would catch himself slouching
and pull his shoulders back. These simple moves gave Hamilton “an inner sense of value, which alerted my facial muscles to soften and allowed me to project compassion,” he says.
Do things you love.
Rose recommends that clients struggling with self-love do what makes them feel good about themselves — whether that’s baking cookies, taking a yoga class or going to therapy.
Learn to say no.
Just as important, says Rose, are the things you don’t do, as in declining to obsess over awkward social interactions and not taking on more responsibility than you can handle at work. “A person who practices self-love will be able to set boundaries, to say no when they want to say no, even when it’s uncomfortable,” she says.
See a therapist.
Sometimes a lack of self-love is caused by a toxic relationship, unresolved issues from childhood or other roadblocks best handled by a professional. “If negative thoughts about yourself are seriously affecting your ability to carry on with your life — you aren’t getting pleasure out of things, you’re constantly ruminating on negative thoughts about yourself, you’re isolated and withdrawn or you have serious trauma — it’s worth getting assessed by a therapist,” says Greenberg. One of the exercises she tries with her clients is to ask, Whose voice are you hearing when you criticize yourself? Did someone in your past treat you that way? “If it comes from childhood, imagine yourself as that child and be compassionate,” says Greenberg. “Self-love is kind of like becoming a good parent to yourself so you can soothe your inner child.”
Don’t expect perfection.
Having self-love doesn’t mean you never have another negative thought about yourself. When you’re faced with a moment when your instinct is to beat yourself up, accept that inclination, but think about how you’d treat a loved one in the same situation. Greenberg says this often makes it easier to show compassion to yourself. Then work on forgiving yourself. “Do something productive that feels good, like volunteering, donating to a charity or taking care of someone,” she says. “When you’ve done that, move on. Forgiveness can be a process. It can take time. You just have to keep working on it.”
After you’ve done the hard work of learning to love yourself, you’ll rise to all kinds of challenges. Imagine you’ve got a big presentation to give at work. With self-love, you’ll walk into the room with confidence. You’ll acknowledge your emotions and be gentle with yourself if you’re feeling nervous. You may take more calculated risks in what you present, because you’ll be less afraid of rejection. You’ll feel secure setting boundaries, like saying “I can’t work on that right now” when a higher-up asks you to finish a different project around the same time your presentation is due. Then, if the presentation doesn’t go well, you’ll feel disappointed, of course, but people who love themselves don’t let that outcome change their view of themselves as valuable.
Rose puts it this way: “Imagine that after the ill-fated presentation, you get a knock on the door from some unwanted guests — shame, doubt, fear and self-hate. Instead of letting them inside to make you feel terrible, self-love allows you to open the door, see the guests, make a decision to say ‘No, thank you’ and close the door,” she says. “If that’s not empowering, I don’t know what is.”
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