How to Force Yourself to Go on a Date When Simply Dying Alone Seems Like a Lot Less Work, Actually
“Can we do drinks soon?” a newly single friend texted me a few weeks ago. “I need advice on how to force myself to go on a date.” Not to brag, but I feel like she came to the right place. As someone who recently got hit with a sudden wave of apathy halfway through my morning skincare routine and canceled a first date I had scheduled that night because the idea of putting on a full face of makeup to spend another evening of my life with a Tinder rando suddenly sounded about as appealing as chewing off my right arm, you could say I’m sympathetic to the plight of the exhausted dater.
But while I’m no stranger to dating fatigue, I also genuinely love dating. Most of the time—i.e., when I’m not in the middle of a Hot Girl Mid-Winter Depressive Episode—dating is my favorite pastime, my raison d’être, my literal job (kinda). Unfortch, even the most enthusiastic dater isn’t immune to the occasional slump, especially in this, the age of dating app burnout.
For the record, no one should ever feel like they have to force themselves to go on a date. If you don’t want to go on a date, don’t go on a date. I promise no one’s going to scoop up your soulmate while you’re on a Hinge sabbatical—and if they do, it’s not like you’ll have any way of knowing, so it doesn’t matter. But sometimes you genuinely want to be dating, it’s just hard to get over the “Do I actually want to waste a few hours of my one and precious life on yet another internet stranger who will probably be kind of boring at best?” hump.
For this, I—someone who would literally be an Emily Dickinson-level recluse if I didn’t force myself to pole-vault over that hump from time to time—actually have some practical advice. To convince yourself to choose Leaving Your House for a Tinder Match over the always viable option of Simply Staying in and Staring at Your Phone Until You Fall Asleep, you have to turn dating into a game—and not one where the main objective is a relationship, or even a “successful” date in the traditional sense. You’re not going on a date to find the next love of your life or even “hit it off” with a promising new match. You’re going on a date for the plot.
What I mean by this is you have to reframe your expectations. Not lower them, mind you—if you’re here, your expectations are clearly already below sea level. You just have to pick different dating objectives, different metrics by which you measure the success of a date—ideally ones over which you have more control than the largely unattainable goal of actually having chemistry with another human being.
Most of these new dating objectives will probably be rooted, to some extent, in novelty-seeking and/or getting a good story out of it (aka, dating for the plot). The point is, if you’re in a dating rut, you need to find a reason to feel excited about a first date that doesn’t hinge on that date’s romantic or sexual potential. If you do happen to fall in love or get laid along the way, great! But either way, you’ll get an ~experience~ out of the deal for your future memoirs, or at least a good story to tell your friends over brunch next weekend. Remember, if there’s one thing your partnered friends love, it’s being thirsty for details from your wild and crazy single life and silently congratulating themselves on being less unhinged than you. A win-win for everybody!
So without further ado, some actionable advice from me, your semi-unhinged permasingle friend, on how to start dating for the plot.
1. Go on a date with someone who isn’t your usual type.
One of the genuinely great things about dating apps is the ability to filter your pool of potential matches down to only those that meet whatever specific criteria you desire in a mate. But chemistry is a beautifully, frustratingly unpredictable thing, and as picky gals like myself know (somewhere, deep down), we might actually be filtering out some people we would genuinely click with.
Besides, dating the exact same Murray Hill-dwelling finance bro who was a D3 athlete at his semi-elite liberal arts college over and over again is going to get boring. It just is. So turn off your filters (or at least one of them) for a week and go rogue. I’m not saying you have to date a complete troll you would otherwise never in a thousand years swipe right on, but intentionally dating outside your type will A) lower the bar, thus taking some pressure off, and B) turn your date into a fun little experiment. You’re an anthropologist now, have fun.
2. Go out with someone who checks one of your most obscure, completely trivial boxes.
Maybe you love a Scottish accent. Maybe you’ve always wondered what it would be like to date someone significantly older or younger than you. Back before Elon Musk fully imploded, a friend of mine had always wanted to date a guy with a Tesla. Whatever it is, we all have little minor turn-ons we’re into or curious about. Hyper-focus on one of those and check it off your bucket list.
3. Date someone who’s sort of famous.
Key word: sort of. If you’re in a position to be dating actually famous people, then dating someone famous probably isn’t going to provide much in the way of novelty. For us regulars who don’t have Raya access, I’m talking, like, G-level fame. Niche fame. Perhaps a stand-up comedian who is big on TikTok but several years away from anything resembling a Netflix special. A writer famous enough to have a Wikipedia page but whose cancellation probably wouldn’t trend on Twitter. An actor who appeared in, like, one episode of a show that was cool five years ago. Someone you can brag to your friends about, but not without providing context. That’s what we’re going for here.
4. Date your absolute worst possible match, according to astrology.
Again, turn it into an experiment. Look up your astrological nemesis and date someone of that sign (most people have it displayed on their dating app profiles now, so it should be pretty easy to find one). Then tell us how it goes.
5. Go on a date with literally anyone who will take you to a specific place you want to go.
Have you been meaning to check out a new bar in your neighborhood? See that live show before it closes? Revisit the spicy rigatoni at your favorite restaurant? Set up a date and suggest you go there. If it sucks, at least you still got to do that thing you wanted to do.
6. Be a plus-one for someone who already has cool plans.
Last week I matched with a guy on Tinder because his bio said he had an extra ticket to the ballet on Thursday and I was like, “Cool, I want to go to the ballet.” So we did. It was great. I got to see Sleeping Beauty and spend an evening with a guy who clearly cares about the arts. Nice, we love a man with interests! Dating apps are filled with people on the prowl for a plus one. Be that plus one. Go to the ballet. Crash a Tinder rando’s brother’s wedding. Go to someone’s high school reunion to make their ex jealous. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters. We’re collecting experiences! We’re dating for the plot.
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