Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? These 10 Questions Can Help You Decide

Jenna Ryu
·8 min read

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Shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother make the breakup-to-bestie trope seem doable (exciting, even). But offscreen, can you be friends with your ex? Most of us know how this story tends to play out IRL: It’s often either a sneaky way to leave the door open for reconciliation or a forced, awkward, and complicated dynamic that falls short of a real, healthy friendship. That said, pivoting to a genuinely platonic relationship is possible, as long as you do some serious self-reflection first.

“Obviously it’s unrealistic to just ‘shut off’ romantic feelings that were involved,” Zoe Shaw, PsyD, Los Angeles–based psychotherapist and host of the Stronger in the Difficult Places podcast, tells SELF. However, there are ways staying friends can work—and even be healthy for you. For instance, maintaining some sort of relationship may make sense if you’ve known each other for years even before dating, say, or your social circles overlap.

But deciding to keep this person in your life isn’t just about whether you can make it work. It’s also about whether it’s healthy and mutually beneficial in the long run. According to Dr. Shaw, making that call requires some serious self-awareness. To get at the real answer, she suggests asking yourself a few tough questions. Digging into the ones below should help you get to the heart of the matter: not only can you be friends with your ex, but should you?

1. Why do I want to be friends with my ex?

There are a few practical, valid reasons to want to have an ex in your life (platonically, of course), Idit Sharoni, LMFT, Miami-based couples therapist and host of the Relationships Uncomplicated podcast, tells SELF. Maybe, as we mentioned above, you started off as friends and realized you work better that way. Or you’re coparenting, so staying on good, cordial terms is easier and less stressful.

Anyone who’s truly committed to being just buds, nothing more, should be able to answer this question with reasons grounded in mutual respect, shared interests, or a connection that isn’t romantic or sexual, Sharoni says. On the flip side, if your response is rooted in some sort of emotional dependency—like missing the convenience of texting someone 24/7 or clinging onto the hope you’ll get back together again—these are signs that leaning into a “friendship” will likely keep you stuck in the past, making it harder to move on.

2. Have you had enough time since the breakup to think clearly?

There’s no set timeline for how many days or months it should take to “get over” someone. But in most cases, both Dr. Shaw and Sharoni agree that jumping right into a coffee catch-up after just one week probably isn’t enough time to fully process all those raw emotions.

“Taking space, however that looks for you, lets you reflect on and accept the end of your romantic relationship,” Sharoni explains. “That way, you can approach a potential friendship with a clear mind and avoid dragging unresolved feelings into your new dynamic.” Of course, you’ll have to follow your gut on this one, but a telltale way to know when you’re ready, per Sharoni, is when you view the breakup in a more neutral way. Speaking of…

3. Do you still feel hurt, resentment, or nostalgia about the breakup?

“The way your past relationship ended can also be a significant factor in whether you can stay friends,” Sharoni says—regardless of how much time has passed. It’s more likely to work, for instance, if the breakup was mutual or driven by external situations (perhaps both of you wanted to focus on your careers and couldn’t commit to a serious relationship).

Suppose one of you cheated, though, or was otherwise blindsided and bitter about never getting closure. In these cases, Sharoni says it’s hard to genuinely be friends when potential emotional baggage (in the form of anger, hurt, bitterness, or heartbreak) is still weighing you down.

4. Is this decision mutual?

Maybe only one of you genuinely wants to remain pals—while the other is agreeing to avoid awkwardness. It doesn’t matter who’s in which situation, Dr. Shaw says: A friendship can’t thrive when there isn’t mutual interest and effort.

“You have to ask yourself not just, ‘What feelings do I have?’ but also, ‘What feelings might they have?’” Dr. Shaw says. Having a straightforward conversation (“I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page about keeping things strictly platonic”) can save you both from mixed signals and unrealistic expectations. “Because even if you’re fine being cordial and have zero attraction left, your former partner may not be in the same place,” she adds.

5. Do we have enough in common to be friends?

While dating, lots of things can make your bond feel special—emotional vulnerability, electrifying chemistry, even great sex. But when those affectionate elements are gone, there may not be much holding this friendship together.

“If you’re struggling to find conversation—or only revolving it around your past, then this dynamic may not be friendship material,” Dr. Shaw says—in which case, going your separate ways could be a better move. But if you have lots of shared interests and hobbies (a mutual love for playing tennis or an appreciation for A24 films), then there’s a foundation for meaningful companionship.

6. Do I have other friends, or will they be my only support?

Even if they used to be your go-to person for everything, your ex can’t keep playing that role. Otherwise, it becomes much easier to blur the lines between friendship and something more, Sharoni says—which is why it’s important to rely on more than one person for validation, emotional security, and advice.

“Making sure you have a broader support system also gives you built-in accountability,” Dr. Shaw adds. These people can call you out if they notice anything off—maybe you’re texting your ex suspiciously late at night or giving them gifts that a partner (as opposed to a pal) would. Ultimately, the more independent you are from them, the better chance your companionship has to thrive without old lovey patterns creeping in.

7. Could I still be friends with them if they started dating someone new?

It’s easy to lightly flirt when you’re both freshly single. Eventually, though, at least one of you might start dating again at some point—and that’s when the true test of your “platonic” nature comes into play.

“Picture yourself supporting your ex-partner in a new relationship,” Dr. Shaw suggests. “If that's something you’re happily willing to do, then maybe you have moved on enough to be in a friendship.” But if this scenario stirs up pangs of jealousy? Sadness? Discomfort? Rage? These strong reactions may signal that perhaps your intentions for keeping an ex in your life are more than just friendly—and could be tied to your lingering feelings.

8. What would my new partner think about this “friendship”?

It’s also important to consider how your new or future beau would feel about your friendship with an ex. As a starting point, Sharoni recommends asking yourself, “Would I be comfortable if a current partner were privy to my conversations with my ex? Equally important, would they be okay with it?” If the vibes are really as platonic as you claim, being transparent about your companionship shouldn’t feel awkward or forced, she says. There shouldn’t be any reason to get defensive or uncomfortable—and definitely nothing for your next partner to be suspicious about.

9. Can I accept the possibility that our connection won’t look the same?

“Healthy friendships, especially with exes, require an acceptance of change,” Sharoni says. In other words, your new version of friendship might mean an occasional game of pickleball or drinks in a large group, rather than late-night FaceTime calls and movie nights.

Whether or not you can embrace this shift, according to Sharoni, can give you insight into whether you’re clinging onto parts of your past or if you’re ready to embrace a new, possibly more distant dynamic that respects both of your boundaries (which brings us to our final question).

10. How will we make sure our new dynamic is different?

No matter how close you were before, this new relationship won’t (and shouldn’t) look the same as your past one if you’re serious about staying buddies. And according to Sharoni, “Setting clear boundaries is essential for preventing any misunderstandings and blurred lines.”

What are some examples? It really depends on what feels right for both of you, but a few topics to consider: Think about whether it’s okay to talk about your current dating lives, for instance, or if those kinds of conversations are ones you’d rather avoid. Will you be meeting one-on-one or sticking to group hangouts to prevent things from getting too intimate? Maybe you’ll even decide to avoid risqué situations that could lead to moments of vulnerability, like late-night meetups or events involving alcohol.

As unrealistic as the exes-to-friends pipeline might sound, it’s definitely doable as long as you take the time to really think it through first. Sure, the transition probably won’t be as smooth as Rachel and Joey’s easygoing dynamic in Friends. But with a little self-reflection, you can navigate the future of your platonic relationship, whether that means staying pals, acquaintances, or something in between.

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Originally Appeared on Self

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