If You’re Wondering 'Am I Bisexual?,' Read This
Labels can be helpful, affirming… and, welp, confusing, especially when you’re trying to identify something as nuanced, personal, and amorphous as your sexuality. Of course, for some people, being bisexual can feel as obvious as being a Pisces or having brown hair. But for others, it’s a little trickier, especially since the way you experience attraction—and who you’re attracted to—can evolve.
“Sexuality can change over our lifetime,” says Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta, Georgia. “A person who [previously] identified as straight can discover they have a sexual attraction to other genders in their 40s.” Similarly, you might identify as gay, lesbian, or pansexual before deciding that the “bisexual” label suits you best.
Meet the Experts:
Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, is a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta, Georgia.
Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, is a sex therapist and the director of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City.
Natasha Camille, LCSW, is a family and couples therapist and founder of Wildest Dreams Therapy, a private practice serving BIPOC and LGBTQ+ clients in New York and New Jersey.
Gabrielle Alexa Noel is a bisexual writer, founder of Bi Girls Club, and author of How to Live With the Internet (And Not Let It Ruin Your Life).
Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong way to be bi—it can, and does, look different for different people. But if you’re wondering “Am I bisexual?,” here are some things to keep in mind as you explore your own sexuality.
What does it mean to be bisexual?
There’s a common misconception that bisexuality indicates an attraction to only men and women. But people who are bisexual are certainly capable of experiencing romantic and/or sexual attraction towards people of all gender identities. In short, Hall defines bisexuality as “the sexual and/or romantic attraction to people who are of the same gender and people who have a different gender than your own.”
The GLAAD Media Reference Guide, a glossary written and edited by leaders from LGBTQ+ organizations across the United States, echoes this: “The ‘bi’ in bisexual refers to genders the same as and different from one’s own gender,” states the most recent edition of the Reference Guide, published in 2022. A bisexual person also might not necessarily experience attraction to different genders “at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree,” per the glossary.
Ultimately, “each person may relate to and define their bisexuality differently,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, a sex therapist based in New York City. What’s most important is understanding what it means to you and why the label is the most accurate representation of you, they add.
What are some signs you may be bisexual?
While it’s true that what it means to be bi varies from person to person, and what matters most is your own self-definition, here are a few common signs the bisexual label might be for you:
1. You’re attracted to more than one gender.
Are you drawn to people of multiple genders? Do you fantasize about engaging sexually with different people, no matter their gender? When you imagine your future partner, do you imagine a specific gender or is that not the case? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you might be bisexual, says Kahn. Feeling romantic or sexual attraction—or both—towards people of your own gender as well as others is a pretty clear indication that you’re not quite straight.
2. You’ve had some “intense friendships” in the past.
It’s not a universal experience, but Kahn explains that many bisexual people experience intimate, confusing friendships while growing up that, in hindsight, may be a sign of blooming queer desire. Have you ever felt the urge to make out with your BFF? Or exhibited jealous feelings when a close friend entered a new relationship?
“Since we live in a heteronormative society, it can be hard to understand those intense feelings you have toward same gender friends when you don’t have the language or the context to understand it,” says Kahn. Due to the intensity of intimacy, it can be hard to define what those friendships are, but it could be a sign that your feelings are more than platonic.
“I always had incredibly intimate, codependent, romantic, and vaguely sexual relationships with my girl best friends growing up,” says Brittany, 33. “Looking back on it, this was definitely because I was in love with them.”
3. You’re confused by your attractions and desires.
Bisexual people can feel a lot of confusion regarding their sexuality because part of their attraction is accepted and encouraged by society, while the other part isn’t as much, explains Kahn. “On the outside, it may seem like nothing is ‘missing,’ but only being able to embody part of your identity can naturally lead to a lot of internal conflict,” they add.
4. You get butterflies when people of all genders flirt with you.
Sure, most people love to be complimented (it feels nice to be affirmed, amirite?), but do you ever find yourself blushing from the kind and flirty words people of all different gender identities share with you? “Enjoying the attraction of others, no matter their gender, may be a sign that you’re bisexual,” says Kahn.
5. You can see yourself in a relationship with someone of the same gender.
Another potential sign that you might be bi—or, at least, not straight—is if when witnessing people around you in same gender relationships or different gender relationships that don’t fit the traditional cis heteronormative image of relationships, you can envision yourself in that same sort of partnership, says family and couples therapist Natasha Camille, LCSW. “This is often one of the first signs for people.”
In the case of many of Camille’s clients, many times they realize this about themselves during their first cis heteronormative relationship. Through these relationships, people learn more about themselves, understand how it feels to have attraction towards their partner, and may start to discover that they feel this same kind of feeling towards people that are a different gender than their partner, whether that’s someone of the same gender, someone who’s non-binary, or someone who identities with no gender at all, says Camille.
6. You empathize with a celebrity’s coming out story.
There’s immense power in seeing someone you look up to, whether that be a celebrity or other public figure, opening up about their sexuality or sharing with their fans that they’re a part of the queer community, says Camille. “What that does, first and foremost, is it demonstrates that it’s okay to feel the way you do and think more deeply about your attraction,” they add. “And for some people, that can look like them realizing they’re not straight, and so now they feel more comfortable exploring that about themselves.”
7. You’ve always felt different.
This may sound cliché, but it’s true!
Having that internal sense that something is different about you is a common experience amongst all kinds of queer and trans folks, says Camille. Why? “For better or for worse, we live in a society where we’re indoctrinated on the ‘right’ way to be a certain gender—how to dress, how to talk, what kind of relationships to be in,” they explain. Growing up, people might witness this dominant narrative—boys pairing off with girls and vice versa—and have a visceral reaction of “This doesn’t seem like the only option for me.” They feel that they're different, but they don't yet have the words to explain their identity, they add.
“I should have realized I was bi when there was one girl at school I could barely talk to because she was just so perfect,” says Hana, 34. “Looking back, I had my first crush.”
8. You don’t feel like your current sexual experiences fully capture your interests.
“For a lot of people, there may be a discrepancy between the way they’re experiencing pleasure in their body versus what they believe is okay for them to explore,” says Camille. That’s because people are taught to pay less attention to what’s happening for them on an individual level and place more emphasis on what society deems appropriate for them to explore, they add.
For this reason, many queer people may feel sexually imbalanced because they’re not having sexual experiences that feel like they capture the fullness of their interests, Camille explains. So if someone identifies as a woman and is coming into herself sexually, they may have this parallel experience when engaging with the opposite gender of exhibiting same-sex attraction or wondering what it might feel like to engage with someone intimately when getting to know other women or non-binary folks, they add.
9. You feel drawn to queer storylines.
Whether it’s movies, TV, books, music videos, or porn, if you find yourself connecting with queer characters or stories…well, it could mean something. “The movies you find yourself gravitating toward are a good indication of the storylines you feel speak to your experience,” says Gabrielle Alexa Noel, a bisexual writer and founder of Bi Girls Club.
“I realized I was bi when I watched Hercules for the first time,” says Sarah, 26, adding that the iconic Megara was “a whole sexual awakening on her own.”
And while the porn you enjoy might not always reflect the kind of sex you like (or would like) to have, it can help you explore your sexuality and desires. “Porn definitely helped me understand my sexuality,” Noel notes.
10. You’re thinking a lot about whether you’re bi.
At a certain point, Noel suggests asking yourself why you might be Googling questions like, “Am I bisexual?” Remember, you don’t have to prove your sexuality to yourself or anyone else through your sexual or romantic interactions. In fact, you can be bisexual even if none of the aforementioned experiences ring true.
“It’s really up to the individual,” Joe Kort, PhD, LMSW, a therapist specializing in sexual identity and the clinical director of The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan, previously told Women’s Health. “You have to ask, ‘What does [bisexuality] mean to you?’
Okay, I think I might be bisexual. What do I do now?
After reading the above signs, you might be thinking to yourself, “Yeah…I’m definitely bisexual.” First, congrats on discovering this new facet of your sexuality! But what now? Ahead, the experts offer some tips on embracing and celebrating your bisexuality:
1. Validate your identity.
“There’s a difference between realizing this might be your identity versus accepting that about yourself,” says Camille. So the first step after realizing you’re bisexual is to allow yourself to sit with all the feelings that come up around that discovery, they say. Is there shame coming up? Excitement? “Make room for the fullness of that emotional experience of newly realizing an identity, whether that looks like exploring it in therapy, journaling about it, or simply allowing yourself to use that word for yourself when talking to trusted people,” Camille says.
2. Connect with others in your community.
“A great way to embrace and celebrate your bisexuality could include connecting with others who are in your community,” says Kahn. Whether in person or online, connecting with other bisexual people can fill your life with positive, affirming messages about queerness and help you unlearn the heterocentric messages that permeate our culture, they explain.
“I’m a strict believer in the fact that folks of all marginalized identities really need to have experiences being in community with those of the same identity because it’s the only way to really concretely demystify any shame around having that identity,” Camille adds.
3. Join queer-friendly spaces.
Speaking of community, one way to find like-minded people is by joining queer-friendly spaces at school, work, or your local neighborhood. If you’re a student, start by researching whether your school has a gay-straight alliance or gender-sexuality alliance, which are student-led clubs that allow for LGBTQ+ students and allies to connect and aim to create a safe, welcoming school environment for all.
If your school doesn’t offer such a club or space, research potential local offerings outside of school catered to serving queer and trans youth, says Camille.
4. Take advantage of online resources.
Especially in more conservative areas, local LGBTQ+ community spaces might not be available or advertised, Camille says, so they suggest tapping into online community resources instead.
One of Camille’s favorite online resources is the Expansive Group, a therapist-run online community started by queer sex therapist Casey Tanner that offers relationship therapy, coaching, support groups, and mentorship. And of course, there’s always free online resources and community spaces on sites like Instagram, Reddit, and Discord.
Being in a (virtual) room full of other bisexual folks “automatically increases people’s levels of confidence and ability to embrace their identity,” says Camille.
5. Consider “coming out” to those closest to you.
“Many of my clients have learned they’re bisexual while in a relationship, and oftentimes what follows is this question of, ‘Yes, I accept myself, but what am I supposed to tell my partner, and what is the relationship supposed to look like as a result?’” says Camille.
As scary as it may be, if you’re in a similar situation, Camille encourages you to have those open, honest conversations with your partner. You never know how people are going to react, but ultimately, it’s likely more detrimental to continue being in a relationship where you’re unable to be your full self and talk about your experience, they say.
Take some time to jot down some notes, and figure out the best approach to have those kinds of conversations with the people in your life that matter most to you.
6. But don’t feel pressured to “come out” if you’re not ready.
Coming out is a very personal experience, and sometimes, people aren’t in a safe space to do so. If you’re not ready to let the world know about your newfound identity or feel like your safety may be compromised by doing so, don’t pressure yourself to “come out.” At the end of the day, the facets of your bisexuality are between you and yourself—and perhaps a few trusted folks.
7. Keep unlearning heteronormative biases.
A large part of learning to fully embrace your bisexuality is unlearning heteronormative and biphobic narratives that society perpetuates in order to punish those with queer identities, explains Camille. One way to unlearn these harmful beliefs is through community, but also through engaging with queer positive media.
Trust, unlearning these narratives is an endless journey, but the more you engage with informative, empathetic media by queer thought leaders, the more confident you’ll become in your identity.
8. Celebrate yourself and your community.
Living with a marginalized identity is difficult, but being able to live out loud as your fullest self is cause for celebration. Enter: Pride Month. While you can celebrate yourself all day, every day—and should—Pride Month, which takes place every June, is an opportune time to throw yourself a party or go out and celebrate with your community. Be sure to look out for the Pride Month events taking place in your area—from local parades to concerts.
What are some common misconceptions about bisexuality?
Unfortunately for you bi babies (myself included), biphobia and misconceptions about bisexuality exist. “The truth is that people are going to assign assumptions to these identities because that is unfortunately the way they’re able to understand the identity for themself,” explains Camille. “It’s unfortunate that this is the direction it has to take, but it’s simply a symptom of what society projects as the ‘norm’ and not the ‘norm.’”
FYI: Someone’s misunderstanding of your identity is not your problem. Nonetheless, being able to navigate and combat common misconceptions about bisexuality may help you feel more empowered in how you live your identity:
1. “Bisexuality is a stepping stone to being gay.”
It’s true that your sexuality can change over time, so someone who initially identified as bisexual may later find that the gay or lesbian label is more honest to their experiences. But saying that bisexuality is a stepping stone to being gay discredits bisexuality as a valid queer identity, which, newsflash: It is.
2. “Bisexual and pansexual are the same thing.”
Bisexuality and pansexuality are pretty similar—in fact, some people like to use both labels—but that doesn’t make them the same thing. Ultimately, “the difference between bisexual and pansexual is that a pansexual individual is sexually and/or romantically attracted to any and all genders while a bisexual person is attracted to multiple genders,” says Hall.
To expand on the difference between these identities even further, Camille explains that someone who is pansexual may experience sexual and/or romantic feelings towards others regardless of the other person’s gender, whereas bisexual folks may be attracted to multiple genders yet still take into account someone’s gender identity.
Nevertheless, “if you’re exploring your identity, you can always try out the ‘pansexual’ label for a bit, and then switch to the ‘bisexual’ label if it doesn’t fit,” says Noel. It’s totally cool to try out different labels and see what feels right.
3. “Bi people are only attracted to cisgender people.”
This misconception directly stems from systemic, oppressive societal biases that want people to buy into the myth of the gender binary, says Camille. ICYDK, gender is expansive and “cis woman” and “cis man” aren’t the only two genders in existence. While the root word “bi-” means two—and some bisexual people’s attraction may only include cis folks—the modern definition of bisexuality defines it as being attracted to two or more genders, which can include non-binary, trans, and agender folks. “As people’s ability to think more expansively around gender has evolved, so has people’s understanding of what bisexuality means,” Camille says.
4. “Bisexual people are just confused.”
You guessed it: This misconception is not true. Bisexual people are not confused about their sexuality, TYVM.
5. “Bisexual people are greedy.”
This misconception is “pathologizing the fact that [bisexual people] are not only attracted to one gender,” says Camille. Bisexual people are not greedy for being attracted to multiple genders and not limiting their capacity for love to only one gender identity.
6. “Bisexuality isn’t real.”
Uh, it is.
7. “Cisgender men aren’t bisexual and if they are, they’re really just gay.”
This misconception is rooted in homophobia and patriarchal thought that places more power and legitimacy on intimate relationships in which men are involved. Bi men do, indeed, exist and to assume that all bisexual cisgender men are actually gay discredits their bisexuality.
8. “Bisexual people are disloyal.”
It’s a common misconception that bisexual people are more likely to break relationship agreements and boundaries simply for being attracted to more than one gender, says Kahn. However, one’s ability to be loyal in a monogamous partnership has nothing to do with their sexuality. If someone broke off a relationship, it would most likely be due to feeling unfulfilled by the partnership, not because they’re bisexual—sorry, not sorry.
9. “Bisexual people are attracted to all people.”
This misconception relates to the previous one that bisexual people are greedy; thus, they’re attracted to anyone and everyone, says Camille. And that, as you probably guessed, is untrue. Many factors inform attraction, and you don’t have to worry about a bisexual person suddenly being interested in you and seeking you as a partner just because you found out they’re attracted to people of your gender, they say. “Being attracted to multiple genders does not equate to having eyes for everyone.”
If you’re bisexual and find yourself being inundated with the narratives above, remember: “No one can name what your experience with your identity is other than yourself,” Camille says. It’s up to you to define what your identity means for you through action and practice.
“These misconceptions are really just noise to make the process harder for you because ultimately our mainstream society doesn’t want queer folks to be grounded in their identities,” due to heteronormative and homophobic thought processes, says Camille.
Remembering that these biases are a systemic issue rather than a personal issue is key to finding confidence, joy, and liberation in your bisexual identity. In the words of queer icon RuPaul, “When you become the image of your own imagination, it’s the most powerful thing you could ever do.”
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